I thought the timing was wrong, but to tell you the perfect truth, he didn’t want to try.
When I look back at it right now, I can say that it was so much easier to blame a higher power for my missteps and the failure of our relationship than it was to blame us.
To take accountability over a failed relationship is hard. That’s why so many people like to say that the timing must have been wrong because the person seemed so right.
I don’t know how he sees everything right now, but it was all moving too slowly for my liking. He said that he had to figure himself out and the things he wants. So I gave him all the time he needed.
When I say that we were moving too slowly, I don’t mean that I wanted to get married in the first year of just casually seeing each other. I mean the little things. We didn’t get to know each other at all – for that matter, I still feel like I don’t know a thing about him.
The timing in which we met each other was very unstable. One moment you’re in college, trying to find your own path in the world, and the next, you’re graduated and on that path you were creating.
It felt like days passed instead of years, that’s how slow things seemed with him. He didn’t mind taking his sweet time with everything, whereas I had already worked on myself to the point where I was genuinely proud of the person I’d become.
But I never knew him. He never had anything planned or felt the need to try hard. He took things one day at a time.
I made the sacrifice of stopping everything, just to wait for him.
He wasn’t fit to call us a thing and say that we were in a relationship, so I just stood aside and waited for him to be ready.
I was waiting to love him and give him everything. He seemed so scared and broken, that I was all set to welcome the right timing when we’d actually be together.
There was a long list of things that I had to ignore in order to stay by his side. And worst of all, I thought that I was doing something absolutely beautiful for both of us!
I thought that at one point he’d see it and then he’d try a little harder so that we could create something together.
The timing seemed right, but he didn’t seem to care enough.
Everything else was going well and we’d been seeing each other for such a long time that I assumed it would fall into place somehow. But I was so wrong.
He would constantly avoid the topic of our future and any talk of making things official was taboo. He would say that the timing wasn’t right for him, that he had a lot to figure out, and that he needed to get his life together.
That seemed like a valid reason, but at the same time, years passed and he didn’t make a move in the direction he was constantly talking about. He didn’t try to make anything better, he just continued to hurt me by staying stagnant.
In this game of life he was playing, I was just one of the options he had to get to the finish line. He didn’t want me there, he just thought that if everything went wrong, I’d still be there.
I saw that when it was too late.
He didn’t give me the time of day. Not once did I feel like his priority, so when I told him that I needed that, he claimed I was asking for too much.
I would love to say that I didn’t persist. But I did. I didn’t see or want anyone else but him because I saw his potential.
So I made him my biggest priority once I figured my life out. I knew what I wanted and he was definitely one of those things.
But he didn’t seem to want me. He never made me his priority.
The times I’d tell him I didn’t want to see him anymore if he wasn’t going to try harder, he’d throw a tantrum. He’d tell me that I was the issue because I didn’t understand him.
He said that there was absolutely nothing wrong with him. That he wants me to wait for him and I’d do that if I truly cared about him.
Back then I didn’t know what manipulation really was. I didn’t understand that his words held a much deeper meaning.
I liked to believe that someone who genuinely cared about me wouldn’t let me go through so much trouble. Maybe I’m being too selfish, but I don’t think that women should tolerate just the bare minimum.
I don’t think that I expect too much of anyone either, though.
I wanted him to commit, I asked him to be with me. There was no reason for me to stick around if he was just going to play his little games with me.
I trusted the timing and I believed that everything was going to get better. I thought that God had a plan for us because there were so many beautiful moments that we shared.
The timing was more than right, but he didn’t try to make things work.
He wouldn’t listen to me. He didn’t try to understand what I meant when I said that I needed him to talk to me. I asked for the bare minimum and he couldn’t even deliver that.
Sometimes, I would even beg him to go out with me. I wanted to spend time with him outside of his apartment, but he didn’t get why.
At one point you just realize that you’re not the problem. You realize that the timing is also not the problem. The problem was right there, in the eyes of the man that I wanted so badly.
I wanted him to tell me he’d do whatever it took to be with me, that he’d try as hard as I did. But he didn’t.
He said that he couldn’t.
When I finally realized things weren’t going to get better, I had to choose myself.
He’s my special someone, but he’s also not worthy of my love. He’s the person who doesn’t deserve to have me on speed dial whenever he pleases. He never tried to earn my trust or show me that I was worth the effort.
I just waited and waited for him, because I was so blinded by the love he could’ve given me if he tried just a tiny bit harder.
I guess it was my mistake for waiting for him to reach his potential while believing that timing was the only issue.
Now I see that the timing was just right, but he didn’t want to try.