Back and forth. Up and down. Left and right.
No matter what you do, your mind is always torn between two sides. Your job is to choose which way you’re going to take.
But guess what? Each of them is wrong and makes you feel like you’re doing the wrong thing.
That’s how it feels to have anxiety and depression. You’re not just fighting against them, you’re also fighting against yourself.
And in that dirty little game that keeps playing in front of your eyes each day you wake up, you never feel like a winner. Everything you do feels wrong, and guilt overtakes you no matter what.
Welcome to the mind of a girl who has anxiety and depression. The mind of one who’s always at war with herself.
Whatever she does feels like the wrong move. Her life feels frustrating, and the worst part is that she doesn’t know how to change anything.
Living with anxiety and depression feels like you’re in the boxing ring with yourself. You’re your own opponent. You keep knocking yourself out and you can’t stop.
One moment, you feel like your mind is traveling a hundred miles per hour.
Thoughts, emotions, fears – they all take turns and race through your mind without control.
Then, a period of radio-silence hits you. Out of the blue, you feel nothing.
Nothing matters anymore. There’s no point in getting out of bed.
There’s no point in brushing your hair. It feels like you’re breathing only because your body makes you.
From a speedy race, you come into the vast space of nothingness.
All alone, you turn off your brain and convince yourself that this world makes no sense.
Regularly, these two states cycle. Over and over again, you’re experiencing completely different feelings, and your mind gets exhausted.
The constant buzzing of your thoughts that can’t seem to stop appearing turns into complete silence where you can’t make a move.
And it’s not only your mind that gets tense, it’s your body as well.
It’s hard to cope with these flip-flop states of being. Maybe you don’t think that it’s hard work, but trust me it is.
After a roller coaster of emotions, you’re drained and struggle to find the energy to cope properly.
It’s easier to rather switch your brain off so you don’t have to make effort to support all those vast thoughts that keep infiltrating your mind.
And it’s obvious why you’re tired.
In one moment, you’re overthinking your whole life. You’re seeing problems where there are none.
You’re afraid of being stuck, so you feel the need to do something with your life.
Be better, make a change, fix yourself. If you don’t make a move, you’ll always feel this way.
These thoughts make your anxiety worse.
Then, all of a sudden, you feel that there’s no point in doing anything. There’s no reason to get out of bed.
There’s no point in going on with your day because why should you even bother.
So, your depressed side keeps you in bed and gives you no wish to get up.
At the same time, your anxious side keeps stressing about all the things that need to be done, and the list seems to be growing by the second.
It feels like you have two bosses. If you listen to the first one and don’t do anything with your life, your other boss won’t be happy.
If you listen to the second one and stressfully work through every single scenario that may happen, your first boss won’t be happy.
Whatever you do, you never feel satisfied.
Nothing matters. Keep worrying about everything. There’s no point in life. Fix yourself. Why should I bother? You’re not keeping up.
That’s what the mind of the person who has anxiety and depression looks like.
It’s fighting with itself, going back and forth, and it doesn’t know how to stop.
Your depression makes you tired, but your anxiety won’t let you sleep. You want to feel nothing, but your buzzing thoughts won’t let you.
It’s a never-ending cycle and you wish it all would just stop so you can feel free for one whole minute.
That’s what you need – a minute of nothing, a minute of complete freedom.
A time where you don’t feel anything. No depression and no anxiety. Just so you can breathe in the air calmly, at least for once.
A moment when you’re obsessed about everything that’s happening to you while being completely uninterested in your life at the same time.
One where your thoughts aren’t fighting against each other like sworn enemies.
You feel stuck, and you have no idea how to escape from this torturous state.
If only you could wake up one day and not have to deal with your own feelings – it would be a relief.
Some days, you make yourself get up and surround yourself with people.
You push against your depression, take a step forward, thinking that good company could help.
Then your anxiety hits and you’re petrified of contact with others: What if I say something wrong?
What if they don’t like me? Maybe they don’t want to have me around.
To ease the thoughts, you go back to your solitude, hoping to save the day by spending time all alone. No one can make comments about you then, right?
At that moment, your depression awakens and you feel like the loneliest person in the world.
With no one around, you feel like a failure and convince yourself that no one cares about you.
And that’s how it goes day-in, day-out, battling through. Back and forth. Up and down. Left and right. Once again.
Every move seems wrong. Whatever you do seems pointless as one part of you always feel bad because of it.
So, you give yourself over to the fight. You let the two parts of you fight against each other while you struggle to produce energy for them.
You throw in the towel and let them do what they want.
But if only you could find the courage to raise your voice and be the one in control.
If only you could say no to those two devils playing games inside your head.
Don’t let them have power over you. Stand up for yourself and be the owner of yourself.
Don’t let your anxiety and depression control you. Take the reins. Be the one who’s in control.
There’s hope. Harness that strength you know you have somewhere deep in you and break out of this vicious circle you’re stuck in.