I know writing this letter won’t ease my pain, but at least I’ll get it off my chest. I’ve been thinking about you lately. Pretty often, I have to admit. You know, every once in a while when our song starts playing on the radio, the one we danced to the first time…
Those songs you used to sing while playing guitar when you felt extreme happiness, which was very often in those days when we were together, nowadays make me cry. And the last one you sent me when we said goodbye… They all hurt in a different way, but does it sound crazy if I say I like it?
Who knows what would’ve happened if we decided to stay together? Would you still be by my side? What would’ve happened if life didn’t take us in different directions? Who the hell knows…
If I say that I didn’t think of you daily, I’d be lying. You’ve been constantly on my mind for this whole year since we broke up. Was it a breakup though, if we weren’t officially in a relationship? Or were we?
Everything we shared is all I ever asked for, if I’m being honest. A memorable first kiss, undivided attention, and a warm embrace every time I needed it.
We went on a lot of road trips together and created beautiful memories. I don’t know how can I even picture my life without you in it.
There were many what-ifs and buts that we decided to disregard, but I guess luck wasn’t on our side. The funny thing is how we both agreed that timing is a tricky thing. We met each other during strange periods in our lives and we chose to be each other’s almost.
But it never bothered me. I enjoyed being in this almost relationship with you. Almost lovers, almost partners in crime, and almost friends. We balanced admirably on that tightrope between these three. It was chaotic, fierce, and calming. A massive paradox!
Choosing to be your almost was the best and the worst decision of my life. I still can’t shake off the thought of how good we would’ve been if I chose to stay. You put me through a rollercoaster of emotions and I didn’t want to get off. Not even months later.
I don’t really know how to forget you and I’m not even sure I want to. Being with someone who has an almost identical personality as I do, was a magical experience. Maybe we’re soulmates. But the ones that don’t end up together.
Have you ever thought about what if we ended up together? I have and I absolutely love what I saw. We were genuinely happy. Perhaps it all happened before, or in another parallel universe, because what I pictured was so clear.
Maybe we’ll find our way back to our shared future, where we’ll raise our children together and eventually sit on the porch with our grandchildren on our laps.
I’d love your gray hair and every wrinkle life put on your face. I’d take care of you and I’d prepare you your favorite meal. We’d play cards until we get bored. Or backgammon, perhaps. We both know I’d always be the loudest cheerleader you had, and I wouldn’t let you feel lonely.
Early mornings by your side, and sleepless nights we’d spend laughing kept me thinking for hours. All the adventures we’d eagerly take, our fingers entwined and that warm smile of yours wiping away every little fear I had.
I still think of you every day…
And I don’t regret it at all. What we had was a fairytale or some kind of magnetic attraction. As a little girl, I always believed that an ordinary girl like me can’t have such a beautiful love experience. Thank you for making me believe that those charming stories can happen in real life.
It’s important to experience some magic in this lifetime and I’m delighted that it was with you. If I could, I’d repeat every second we spent together, all over again. I mean, I kind of do it in my mind. It feels like I’m rewatching one of my favorite movies.
Life without you is a bit odd, but I’m slowly getting used to it. I stored away all the things that remind me of you, but I can’t delete the memories. And they sometimes hurt like hell…
You already moved on and getting to know that was horrible. I was already bruised since my love was not returned to the same degree, but that… It put me away.
I’m feeling better now, in case you want to know. I’ve decided to focus on myself more and find my own way. It’s going to be tough, but I’m finally ready.
In rare moments, my heart and soul ache, but I’ve learned how to help them. The problem is my mind; I can’t keep it silent. It’s always humming your name and our story. I know I’ll have to learn to forget you, for the sake of whoever is coming next.
It didn’t work out, but I still think of you every day. And, I guess, you’ll forever be the one that got away…