The story of us is a long one and it’s one of the reasons why I can’t believe that we didn’t end up together.
Since childhood, I knew that I wanted you to stay by my side for the rest of my life. I wanted to watch you grow into a man and see us turn that little friendship into something more.
You were always so shy that you needed me to stick up for you. Until we grew up and you became my protector.
You’d never let anyone hurt me. You’d bring the world to its knees just to make me feel safe and sound.
When you had your first crush, I felt my poor little heart give. It felt as if it was ripped out from my chest and I wanted to cry.
You were the first person to ever break my heart. How could I have let go of those memories when they shaped me in so many different ways?
When you grow up with a broken heart, the world seems a little bit crueler than others might think of it. My heart never truly healed, so whenever I met another man, I compared him to you.
Some were skinnier, others were taller. But no one was as smart or caring as you were.
What was I to believe other than that the ghost of your words was following me into adulthood?
Because you truly were always there with me, even when you didn’t know it.
Your words followed me and your praise was more important to me than comforting words from anyone else.
When someone told me how pretty or how smart I was, it only made me roll my eyes.
Their words seemed too empty, while yours were always lined with warmth. Even though they’d always leave me feeling hot, goosebumps would always cover my entire skin.
You don’t even know the impact you had on my life.
Everything I have done since meeting you and everything I have become has so much to do with you – undeniably so.
I think that I created a persona just to make you fall in love with me but you never knew that.
Every time you’d walk down our street holding a girl’s hand, my stomach would turn in ways I never thought possible.
So when I gathered myself enough to tell you the truth about my emotions, you pretended not to hear me, just to come back and confess your own feelings days later.
Don’t tell me that you doubted your feelings.
You, just like me, were conflicted because you didn’t know whether that childhood crush was worth ruining what we had created.
You know that nothing happened. Nothing happened between us even though those emotions were more than obvious.
So what’s going on now that we’ve moved on? Now that we both have someone else in our lives?
Our eyes still linger on each other when we cross paths.
We still search each other’s faces for the remains of those same emotions we had when we were teenagers.
Whoever says that we were too young to understand love obviously never loved someone that intensely.
They never experienced love like I did in the years when you were creating your entire personality.
Because back then, love felt like the best type of pain there was out there.
The little hidden messages that we sent, those little glances we made across the high school hallways – they were sacred once upon a time.
Whenever I saw you approaching, I had to convince my deceiving heart that you were not the one I should pursue.
You were my friend and that’s where my thoughts would always end.
It doesn’t matter how much I wanted to make you happy, you probably still never saw me as much more than the weird girl you grew up with.
I guess moving on from that love was the best thing we could have done.
So the other day when we met, holding the hands of our new partners, it made the reality of things crash down on me: We didn’t end up together.
We’re never going to be together because you proposed to her and you want to build a future with her. You want to love her for the rest of your days.
While I’m here, wondering whether there’s anything you’re hiding from me.
Whether something remains from our little time together, whether there are any lingering feelings.
Because his hand in mine feels heavy all of a sudden and I have to will myself not to let go of him.
I have to convince myself that this is the right path for both of us.
I hold his hand a little bit tighter now. Just to ground myself and realize that we’re never going to happen. We didn’t end up together.
I’m with someone else and he makes me happy. He makes me realize just how much someone can truly love me without ever having to doubt myself.
It might hurt and I might cry myself to sleep from time to time, but it’s easier this way.
It’s breaking me to know that we didn’t end up together, but what can be done about that now?
We have to move on. I have to move on and realize that this is for the best.
You have to live your life and I have to live mine; far away from you because my heart can’t endure seeing you.
Even if it was a childhood crush, a teenage type of infatuation, it was strong enough to leave me breathless even while writing this today.
Please enjoy every day that’s to come, have fun without me and I hope that we’ll meet each other in another life again.
I hope that our souls will be able to find each other in that life and that they’ll be able to do what we weren’t able to in this one.
For now, goodbye.