You Deserve To Be His First Choice, Or You Have To Let Him Go
You have to let him go.
He’s your nicotine. I know it. I’ve been there. He’s an addiction; something in you is drawn to him and you just can’t explain it. You can stand there and know he’s bad for you, bad to you. But when he’s here? That doesn’t seem to matter. It all seems fine…until it isn’t.
Until it all comes crashing down and you’re left broken again.
You ask yourself why he’s this way. You wonder why your love- why you- just aren’t enough to get him to stay. Enough to keep him around. When you have taken all the best parts of you and offered them up to him in you hands, why he still turns around shaking his head. He says he just isn’t happy here. He just has to go find himself. Or fill this void. Or chase this dream.
He doesn’t know exactly what it is he has to do, but the only thing he is sure of is that you can’t be part of it.
He’ll always leave the door cracked though. Because he knows you will let him in. He keeps the key on his keychain of options, because when he is down on his luck, or tried everything else, he says “Maybe it’s been you all along. Let’s try again.”
So you let him in. And it’s good. Until it isn’t.
I know you have a history. I know that you both were once so in love that it felt unexplainably euphoric. That you were both on top of the world and nothing could bring you back down. You were unstoppable and beautiful and he was everything. You were everything.
I also know that no one knows him better than you, in a lot of ways. I know you’ve seen him at his worst and been with him through the darkest of times. He stood by you when you fought off demons and shared your secrets. Yet darling, let me tell you:
We don’t always spend our lives with people who knew us best.
Because so much has happened when he’s not here. You’re strong, determined, and you move on. You make a life all your own and you’re proud of yourself. You know you’re going to be okay and be happy. You grew thicker skin, held your heart a little closer, and learned from those mistakes. You’re not an idiot by any stretch of the imagination-people know that. You know that too. You’re not the same girl you were.
Yet when he shows up, it’s like you go back in time. When things were simpler, and you loved each other, and you didn’t have to know what it felt like when he hurt you. He somehow is able to smile and convince you that just one more chance is all it takes. One more. And another. And another.
You can’t be his backup plan anymore. You can’t let him run everywhere, let him live chasing dreams, chasing girls, chasing substances to fill his voids, and then let him come home to you when he’s lonely.
Because he is never going to stay.
As long as we live in a world with other options, choices, experiences, and people, there will always be a reason to leave. And he’s going to take it every single time.
You are more than enough, but he’s too busy looking at everyone and everything else to see that.
You have to let him go.
That means when he tries to text you to talk about his problems, you don’t reply. It means when he blows up your phone trying to get your attention, you don’t respond. It means you block him from all social media so that you don’t see if he’s having a “bad time” or if he’s having a “good time” without you. It means you have to burn the bridge. He can’t come back this time,
Because he’s taking a piece of you every time he leaves. And eventually you aren’t going to be able to put yourself back together again. He’s stealing all the hope you’ve had inside of you, and he’s destroying you every day. Please close the door. Heck, move houses. Move states. Move far away. Stop staying in the house where his ghost still haunts you and reminds you of yesterday. Stop letting him steal the light inside of you.
Because I know you. I know how incredible you truly are. I know you’ll never fully be who you were meant to be and who you want to be as long as you keep holding onto him.
And he’s just not worth it.