To The Boy Who Never Really Loved Me
I don’t hate what we’ve become or what we had, I hate the way we left it.
I don’t hate you.
I don’t hate what we’ve become or what we had, I hate the way we left it. I hate that someone you had so much history with could become someone you don’t even text anymore. I hate that in the blink of an eye, everything can change.
It can change from the best times to the worst times, from laughing till you cry to just crying, from having someone to tell everything to, to not having that rock anymore.
When you look back on it, it sucks that you gave that person more then they could ever give you. Maybe it’s the eternal optimism or the fact that I thought I could fix you. That’s a thing you know, fixing people syndrome. I thought the more I gave, the more I cared, the more I loved, that you would start to do the same, feel the same, give the same.
And sadly, that’s not always how it works out, you can give someone your entire heart and get nothing in return. Life’s a bitch, huh? It’s tricky, love is tricky. Nothing is easy and you don’t get a book that teaches you how things work, you have to just go with the flow and see where it ends up.
The worst part of ending things is all the feelings attached to it, the way I’ll never be able to look at some things the same. When things end, that person takes a piece of you with them, regardless if they “loved” you or not, and they will always have that piece.
You decided to share a part of your life with them, and they did the same. They opened up to you, told you things they didn’t tell anyone else, and that’s not things you can forget, ignore and let go. You can delete all the pictures you had together, but you can’t delete the feelings you had.
And I need to move on, it’s not fair to hold onto something that is never going to happen.
So I’m not mad at you for never loving me the way I loved you. People are so scared to use that word, the word love. We live this lie its supposed to be saved for only certain people, not given to the world, but I disagree.
I love the memories we made, the times we had, and everything in between. If I can tell puppies, my favorite foods and my friends I love them, I can tell the boy I spent half a year with the same thing. But I understand why not everyone can feel this, everyone is at a different point in the life.
We’ve all had different experiences that lead us to where we are, that taint the way we love and the way we look at life. I’ll forget about you eventually, its a habit I can break.
I just forget to forget you sometimes.
So to the girl you do decide to love eventually, I hope she makes you insanely crazy. I hope you look at her the way you looked at me, and I hope you give her the world. I hope when she smiles you smile and when she laughs you have to look away because you don’t want her to see you blush.
I hope when you lay in bed you see a future with her, and I hope she does the same. I hope she buys you your favorite food and sits on the couch watching hockey even though it makes her miserable. I hope she sends you funny things puppies do that makes her laugh and you laugh with her- but most of all I hope you learn to love yourself before you try to love her.
She deserves that, you deserve that. I hope you learn to love what I loved about you. Love yourself, love everything that makes you… you. From your stupid smile, to your sweet laugh, to your drunk jokes and sober conversations.
Learn to love it all.
Because once you love yourself, you can love her with the love she deserves, the love you deserve.
This is my hope. This is what I want for you. Because you deserve it.
The girl who loved you first.