It is always painful when love falls apart. Although many may think that the person who is being left behind is the only one suffering, I am a living proof they can’t be more wrong.
For the first time in my life, I am the one who is walking away from the relationship. And it hurts even more than when I was the one walked away from.
You and I had beautiful moments. And we had some less beautiful moments. When those less beautiful moments were happening, I thought of it as the end of the world. But, now I know those were all normal parts of a relationship and parts of life.
So, I won’t be talking to you about our relationship. When I think about it, our relationship was a relationship like any other. When we are madly in love, we all like to think that our romance is something special, extraordinary and not from this world. I was the same. I thought our love was something that has never happened to anyone before us.
But, now I see it was something completely ordinary. Two people met. Two people have fallen in love with each other. Everything was going smoothly. Until, one day, one of them fell out of love.
If you ask me how it happened- I don’t know. But, I know when it happened- actually, I know when I realized it. While falling in love is something that happens in an instance, in a blink of an eye, falling out of love is a process which happens for a while. I tried to ignore it, thinking that maybe we’ve just grown apart and that soon, everything will fall on its place. But, that wasn’t happening.
I know you felt that my feelings were changing, as well. But, you probably lied to yourself the same way I did.
I remember the night when I finally faced the devastating truth- I wasn’t in love with you anymore. And I am not sure even if I love you. Remember how I couldn’t sleep without you? No matter how high the temperature was in the room, you had to hold me in your arms for me to peacefully fall asleep. But, now, your touch was bothering me. So, I waited for you to fall asleep first so I could crawl on my side of the bed. It was like you were suffocating me. You may think this is foolish and that it doesn’t have to mean anything, but for me, it was a huge realization. I didn’t have the need for you as I used to have. It was that night when the reality hit me- I was falling out of love with you.
And it is breaking my heart.
I think it would be easier for me if things happened the other way around- if you were the first one to stop loving me.
When I put everything on a balance, you were the best possible boyfriend I could ever wish for. You were king, caring, generous and loving. You always respected me, you always listened to me and you never did anything to intentionally hurt me. You never forgot my birthday or our anniversary, you never forgot to pick me up and I never felt you didn’t love me.
I loved you too. I loved you very much. And I don’t know how it happened that I stopped loving you.
I want to avoid the empty phrase in which I will tell you that it’s not you- it’s me. But, it really wasn’t anything you did. It wasn’t anything you said. It is all my fault.
You shouldn’t think I’ve found someone else. I respect you and our years together more than that. The same way you can’t explain why you have fallen in love with someone, you also can’t explain why you stopped loving someone.
I don’t expect it for you to understand. I don’t understand it either. All I know is that I don’t love you the way I loved you. And I don’t think I ever will.
And I think I will be eaten alive by guilt. I can’t forgive myself that I will be the one to throw away all of our years together. I can’t forgive myself that I will be the one who will shatter all the hopes and dreams we had about our future together. I can’t forgive myself that we won’t grow old together because of me.
But, if I stayed by your side and pretended I still loved you, that would be something even more unforgivable. I can’t look you in the eyes waiting for you to realize there is no sparkle in them. I can’t kiss you without any passion. I can’t lie to you that I’ve missed you when I haven’t.
It’s not that I can’t do all of this because of me. I can’t do because of you. Because you deserve better and more. You deserve for me to be honest and to tell you how things really are.
So, this is me being brave and telling you that I am falling out of love with you. This is me breaking your heart and hoping you’ll be able to forgive me someday.