Fear is the biggest obstacle in our lives. Since our childhood, we are faced with all kinds of fears. Starting from evil monsters under our bed, bad grades in our school, or that boring rain on our prom day. But as we get older, our barriers change, and frustrations become stronger and bigger. We are afraid of losing our job, our home, we are afraid of death, or at some deeper level, afraid of commitment. That terrible fear of commitment, physical and emotional, in it’s the most simple understanding can be seen as avoiding the possibility of losing our freedom or getting hurt. For us who are afraid of commitment, it has never been a matter of love, but of simple control.
The border between love and control is very thin. For people like us, reaching the point where you love someone, truly love, is difficult because our mind is set the way that it rejects the idea of loving to your fullest because we are afraid that we won’t get the same amount of love in return. Furthermore, we are afraid that the behavior of the other person will be totally dominant over ours, because in that moment of loving, we are giving our best and our worst to someone, and we might get nothing in return. Fear of any commitment, in fact, is a fear of the consequences of that action. Soon, we find ourselves sunken in the ocean of questions such as “What if I fall in love with him, and eventually he leaves?”
This was the first thing I thought once I realised that he was getting too close to me. At first, It was just the texting and going out once in a while, and I really enjoyed it. There was no jealousy involved, no check calls, no love letters, no ex-boyfriend questions and competitions etc. It was just us and the moment. And kisses, there were lots of kisses! And that was really all I needed at the time, my very own freedom, someone who is there but without the label and commitment, without the exact place and space in my life, just there. And of course, besides all of that, hugs, kisses, soft and kind words, and the chemistry between us that was driving me crazy. He was driving me crazy, and the way my body gets warm every time he gets close enough, even without the touch, just the presence, closeness and warmth. That was the excitement and the life I needed.
But as the time went by, he needed more, and eventually, our so-called “ relationship” became more intense and more intimate. He started asking me out on movies with him, buying me little cute presents, and remembering our “ date”, making some long-term plans such as visiting some places and going to the concerts that were a year from now.
That is where it all went down the hill…. I felt like someone locked me up in a cage or like I’m stuck in some old elevator and nobody can hear me. There he is, a handsome man with a decent lifestyle, with the same interests as mine, with beautiful voice and smile, and in love with me!What else could a girl possibly wish for ?! And all I could think about is how to get away from this situation. It’s weird. It’s weird because I didn’t want to get away from him, nor did I want him to go away from me, and I would surely freak out If I saw him with someone else, but thinking that I will officially be forbidden and limited to certain things, that was scary. It was becoming too much for me, I felt trapped and the air around me was getting thick, I had to end it. All or nothing. And I chose. I ended everything.
There I was, letting the best chance in my life to slip away, the chance for love, for something that I had never had so far, and I just lost It like that. My body was begging for him, my heart too, but the brain was the one who made the call. And now I know, it was the wrong one. Anyway, what’s done is done, and the past is past, but what would be the purpose of past if we can’t learn anything from it?
Well, I sure did learn something. I learned that even though we want to keep everything under control, things just don’t always turn out the way we planned, and that is fine. Besides, where’s the fun in knowing everything that’s about to happen and not taking any risks?!
People are made to love, and love is the very thing that gives our lives a meaning. The very core of our existence.When you think about it, we are committing to something every day in some sense of it, and our personality, our spirit, and our mind are connected to a certain number of things each day. And we cant escape it, its just the way life and the world work together and we have to participate in the process. Get rid of that inner critic that sits somewhere inside you and keeps you scared of such beautiful thing such as belonging to someone, and allow yourself to love and be loved. You deserve it.