You ruined me in more ways than you could ever imagine. Even now, I can’t decide whether you damaged me more during our relationship or when you left.
All I know is that you have put me through unthinkable and unexplainable devastating emotional pain. While we were together, I prayed that you change. I prayed that you’d finally see what you were doing to me and that we would have a healthy relationship. I hoped that your cheating and lying would finally stop and that you would finally see that you were emotionally abusing me. But, that never happened.
When you left me for someone else and for the last time, I kept hoping you’d come back. I was comparing myself to this other woman, wondering why you chose her over me, which was devastating for my self-esteem. I kept hoping you would change your mind after some time and I spent years waiting for you. Every time my phone rang, I secretly hoped it was you. Every time I smelt your perfume on the street, I prayed to see you behind me. But, that never happened either.
With time, deep down, I was afraid I was going crazy. I started living in a parallel reality, in my own imagination, completely detached from everyday world. There were times when I would do anything to have you back and then again, there were times when I hated your guts and spent my days planning to get even to you. I talked about you so much to everyone that even I knew I was exaggerating and I saw that people were judging me for not being able to move on. But, instead of working on my obsession, I’ve started shutting myself down.
I don’t know how and when it happened, but after a while, I’ve finally faced the harsh truth and I’ve stopped hoping that you would come back. But, our relationship and the way you left me for another woman and everything I was going through after our break-up left deep emotional wounds on me- physically and mentally. To put it simply- I wasn’t the person I used to be.
But, when I got rid of hope, I was finally free to start healing and fixing myself.
The first step of my recovery was to gather the courage to face the magnitude and the intensity of everything you put me through. I couldn’t find the middle way- at first, I kept thinking of you and about your return, and after a while, I just wanted to erase you from my past and from my memories. I wished you had never existed and there were times when I wished I didn’t exist as well- that is how much harm you’ve caused me. But, I knew I had to face the things you did to me if I wanted to be better. Whether I liked it or not, I had to force myself to reflect on myself and to see the aftermath of being in a relationship with you. And when I finally did, it was catastrophic. You got the best of me, you used me and then you left me broken and dead from the inside to deal with all of these consequences on my own. The entire burden of our toxic relationship fell on my shoulders while you moved on with your life like nothing happened. I was terrified, thinking I would never recover from everything you did to me.
But, I knew that I couldn’t change the past and the way you treated me. I needed to look ahead to the future. I didn’t have any special plans for that future- my only goal was never to allow another human being to hurt me the way you have hurt me.
I was so terrified to allow the pain to get me. My biggest pain was caused by the person I loved the most, so subconsciously, I’ve started connecting pain with love. I was petrified by feeling the pain I have already felt but I also became petrified of all other emotions. Therefore, I chose to be numb- after all, not feeling anything was way better than feeling pain.
I swore to myself that I would never love someone else again. Actually, I was sure I couldn’t love anyone as deeply as I loved you, even if I wanted to. I kept myself self-guarded and I refused to let anyone approach me or get near me, let along something more. I built thick and high walls around me, which served as my protection. I promised myself I would never allow anyone else to hurt me.
In order to do that, I had to build a defence mechanism. If you don’t open up to anyone and if you don’t give new people enough space to enter your life, they won’t have the chance to get to know you and to hurt you. After you, I’ve lost trust in people. And what was worst, I didn’t believe in love anymore. Even if I had feelings for someone, I kept them bottled deep inside of me.
By doing this, I thought I had defeated all the pain you have caused me and I thought I had defeated you. But, then a person close to me opened my eyes- actually, you were the one who won. You accomplished everything you always wanted. Your emotional violence was so successful that it completely killed the person I used to be.
What I didn’t know while I was shutting myself down is how much I was missing on. Yes, I was careful enough not to expose myself to the possibility of emotional pain. But, by doing that, I also deprived myself from every possible opportunity to be happy and loved once again.
Luckily, time was working as my alliance. I just woke up one morning, determined I wouldn’t allow for everything you did to me change me for good. Everything you did to me impacted me more than it should have and it was about time for it to be over. I just woke up one morning and decided I would love again.
I still haven’t found anyone completely worthy of my love, but now I know I am ready. For me, a huge success was when I allowed myself to feel anything at all.
So, I promised myself I would love again, despite all the fears and trust issues. I promised myself I would love again despite the holes in my heart that haven’t completely healed yet. I promised myself I would love again, no matter how hard and challenging that might be. I promised myself I would love again, despite all the emotional scars I still have. I promised myself I would love again, despite everything you did to me.
I promised myself I would love again not despite all the pain I’ve been through, but because o that pain- because love is the only force that can heal all my wounds and scars completely.
I promised myself I would love again, not to correct the mistakes I made with you, not to forget you and not for redemption- I will love again because I have to and because I deserve it. And that will be my best revenge.