When I first laid my eyes on you, I thought you were the one. I thought you were my soulmate. What else could it be? You have awakened such intense emotions inside of me that I simply couldn’t control myself. And that was the first time I’ve ever felt something like that. And looking at things from this point of view, I think it will remain the last time I did.
For me, it has always been hard, almost impossible, to summarize our relationship. But I try hard not to let bitterness over take me and I am trying to hold on to the beautiful moments only. Our relationship was full of ups and downs. The ups were more than great and magnificent—I had the feeling I was on the top of the world. But sadly, the downs were even more intense. For me, they were devastating—I felt like I was being swallowed by all the darkness in the world. And I know you had been feeling the same way.
When someone asks me why we had stuck together for so long, I never know the correct answer. When I think about our relationship, sometimes I can’t recognize myself from that period. It was like another woman was living my life. The moments when I was able to think straight were rare. I didn’t have the slightest control of anything that was going on. I assume I was led by primary instincts, passion being one of them.
But nobody can say that I didn’t love you. You don’t give the people you don’t love the power to destroy you. And that was exactly what I gave you. I was entirely yours. And I wasn’t interested in anything else in my life. If we were on good terms, the world could have been falling apart and I couldn’t care less. At the same time, if things weren’t good between us, there was nothing and nobody around me that could lift me up. I allowed myself to be fully dependent on our relationship. And dependent on you.
At first, I blamed you for every problem we were having. I thought you were too hot-tempered, too stubborn, and too selfish and that you were never ready for compromise. I even thought you didn’t love me, despite the fact that you were convincing me that that was far from truth. But, with time, I’ve grown to realize that you did love me. And you loved me hard. Maybe you still do. And I’ve realized that our fights and breakups were just as painful for you as they were for me. You were also suffering and feeling everything I was feeling. Your mind and heart were also struggling, the same way mine did.
So, why did we kept doing all of this to each other? Why couldn’t we just be happy, as any other couple?
When I come to think about it, we didn’t have any crucial problems. But we didn’t have anything else besides love and passion. It is funny—we were the same, had the same characteristics and personality traits, but at the same time, we couldn’t handle each other. They say fire needs water and vice versa. I guess we were both fire and that is the main reason we never worked out.
And I know we both wish we had.
We just weren’t compatible. We were both jealous, stubborn, egoistic, and narcissistic. I bet you could never believe me admitting all of this about myself. But here I am doing exactly that. Our minds were telling us we weren’t right for each other, and everyone around us was telling us just that. But I guess that made everything even more interesting.
For a long time, I thought this was what true love should look like. It should be passionate and full of fire. I thought that fights were normal and that they spice things up. It took me a long time, but I’ve realized we never truly understood each other. I know we both tried to look at things from the other one’s perspective, but neither of us managed to do that. We didn’t know what compromise means. We tried to meet each other halfway, but our egos never allowed us to back out. It was impossible for both of us to admit that we weren’t right. And we were both wrong so many times. Eventually, it turned out that we were wrong for each other.
Everyone will tell you that you shouldn’t try to change yourself nor your partner if you want to have a successful and a healthy relationship. But, I think we took it too literally. Neither one of us tried to change themselves in order to meet the other person halfway. In the beginning, we were led with passion and by the intensity of our emotions, so we didn’t think about any deal breakers. We didn’t stop for a moment to really look at the other person with all of the things we wouldn’t be able to handle.
We never thought about the future. Yes, we talked about it and planned it, but never really thought it through. I guess it was because deep down, we knew we wouldn’t last. But we ran away from that idea. The idea that there will come a time when we won’t be able to put up with each other was too terrifying for us to consider. So, we enjoyed each other and the moments we spent together. And we lived each day like it was our last.
I may say that we even functioned well in our microcosmos, while there existed just the two of us. But we were so unstable that the smallest possible thing could have gotten us out of balance.
And I became tired. Or did you feel it first? Does it even matter now? All I know is that we figured out we just can’t be together, despite the love we are both feeling. I don’t know who verbalized it first, but I know we both knew it. And there was nothing to be done about it.
So, we split. And it was painful. I won’t talk to you about everything I’ve been through and how much I fought to overpass you. I know you felt it the same way I did. You may have played a tough guy who doesn’t care about anything in the world, but I know you better than that. We both suffered and there is nothing else that needs to be said regarding that.
But, our relationship was also a lesson for us both. We learned a lot. If nothing, we learned that love shouldn’t be an emotional rollercoaster. We learned what we don’t want from our future partners.
You’ve learned that you should try and find a girl that calms you and that doesn’t get on your nerves. You should find someone who is not as stubborn as I was, but someone who will love you unconditionally at the same time. You should find someone who will respect you for the man you are.
And me? I should find a guy who is ready to compromise, a guy who can put up with my mental strength and who will perceive me as an independent woman. A guy who is everything you weren’t and everything I wished you were.
Maybe we won’t love these people with the same intensity we loved each other. Actually, I am pretty sure we won’t. But, I bet we’ll be happier. And that is all I really want for both of us. We both deserve it.