I spent a lot of time spinning around and thinking whether it is good to change myself and to let you go. It was definitely the hardest decision that I had to make lately. We had something I can’t say we didn’t, so I even though I knew that I am making the right decision, somehow I felt guilty. However, you hurt me and that is why my decision is made anyway. I felt that I am worth more than you treated me, so I wanted to change who I was and start to respect myself. People should respect themselves no matter who they are with. Somehow I forgot that rule. The idea was to put myself in first place.
As with any change, it was not easy in the beginning, I need to admit. Your presence is what I get used to during all this time. It was very difficult to explain to people in my narrow circle that you are no longer in my life. It was not easy for me either, because I used to call you and see you every day. I felt something deeply and I don’t know why that feeling disappeared.
Now, after the things have subsided, I can’t explain how I feel. I feel strong, I feel powerful, I feel like I am truly happy by being alone, or at least not with you. I can breathe and live my life just as I always wanted. There is nothing that could upset me or make me feel bad and hurt. There is no anxiety that I felt during the time spent with you. Simply, every single thing that I do is much easier for me to do without you by my side. I feel like I am an entirely new person without you.
You made me feel insecure, you manipulated me in a way no one could. I was vulnerable and with no self-respect. You don’t even have any idea how hard it is to gain back self-esteem after someone killed it inside of you. Now, there are no stressful situations in my life. Even if they show up to me, I am able to handle them alone. I don’t introspect anymore, I am sure in what I decide and I really know how to make the right decisions for myself.
My life is not dramatic anymore and now I cry only when I have a real reason. When I was with you, I used to cry every night no matter what you did to me, because I generally felt bad and empty. Happiness was far away from me. Trust me, I don’t even like to remember those times. My emotions were mixed so much that I didn’t know who I was and what I wanted. It was anger, it was love, it was sadness, and it was all in me that I felt for you.
Imagine how much time I have now without all of these troubles we were in. Once it was only important to look at you waiting for your reactions. I feared that you could get mad every second of our relationship so I was always prepared for the worst to come. That condition, you have to admit, is very unhealthy. Partners in a relationship are supposed to make each other fulfilled and happy, not to make them get ill and afraid of any move. I fought with my thoughts back then; I wanted to save our relationship because I loved you. What I didn’t know is that it was not worth saving. Luckily for me, I realized that on time.
Now, I can focus on things I always wanted to do. I can be whoever I want to, without you judging me. I am happy, mentally healthy, I have good friends, I have a job which I love. That’s the huge amount of freedom and I made the right decision that day when I chose to walk away from you.
Things have come together, and the most important thing I learned is that you can’t force anything that is not meant to be for you. Everything is fine and I am making progress in every sense.
I could not decide for a long time if going away from you would solve my life. Yet, I tried and I could freely tell you that there is no one happier than me. I definitely know that I made the right decision.