To the next person that loves me;

To be honest, I am not even sure you exist anymore. I have been hurt and lied to so many times that sometimes I wonder if there is any love left waiting for me. Is it possible that someone will manage to love the person I’ve become? Is it possible that someone will cure my emotional scars? Is it possible that there exists a guy who would consider accepting broken pieces of my personality?

If you really exist, I want you to know I am everything but perfect. And I know you have your flaws too. But I hope that we can be perfect for each other. I hope we can love each other not despite our imperfections, but because of them.

Whoever you are, arm yourself with loads of patience. I will be sincere with you, because I want to make sure you love the real me—not some version I pretend to be so you like me more. Before you think of loving me, it’s important for you to know that I am emotionally broken. I am someone who was let down so many times that it will take you a lot of energy and patience to convince me you love me. I will think that you only want to use me or emotionally manipulate me. I will constantly search for reasons why you chose to love me, next to all other more attractive, emotionally stable girls. I won’t believe that you love me because of me, and I will try to chase you away—just so I could be sure in your love, and so I can see if you would run after me. Don’t think I’m narcissistic, I don’t have the need to be chased—I just need to be sure that you are honest. I need to be sure that you will stick by my side for good, because I can’t allow myself to get used to someone who will leave me the second things get rough or when he gets tired of me.

I assure you that you will not be getting any second chances. The moment you try to hurt my feelings or emotionally abuse me, I will walk out of your life, no matter how much it hurts me. I am very serious about commitment and I expect you to, at least, match my effort. I will not give myself to someone who doesn’t know how to appreciate it.

I know I may sound harsh to you, but I was not always like this. I used to be a person with the biggest heart ever, who let everyone in. I was that innocent girl who believed everything she was told to and accepted every empty and false apology.  I was the kind of person who looked for the best in people around me and who believed everyone has the capacity to change. I was the girl who always put everyone else’s needs before her own. I strongly believed in the power of love and that everybody deserves their happy ending. I was the girl who was never ashamed to express her feelings verbally and show them whenever someone needed reassurance. Everyone in my life had my support and could rely on me, no matter the cost. Simply put, I was the girl who knew how to trust and love unconditionally.

And I didn’t ask for anything in return. But there were times when I also needed support, respect, and love. I also needed to feel that I am loved, wanted, and important. And no man in my life gave me that. They lied and pretended to be something they were not, just to have me around. I was let down, cheated on, lied to, used, and betrayed more times than I could count. I don’t know if I was just good for their ego or they enjoyed being taken care of. Disappointment after disappointment followed. I was broken into pieces more than once, and there was nobody holding my back to help me put myself together. So I’ve lost myself along the way.

I’ve become everything that I’ve always despised. I’ve started building walls around me, because I was terrified of getting hurt once again. I’ve become a guarded, closed person and that was the last thing I ever wanted.

I know all of this is not your fault and it has nothing to do with you, so you shouldn’t be the one facing it. But I just want to be sincere and I want you to know what you are letting yourself into. Because honesty is one of the first things I expect from you. It’s okay if you think I am too much to handle. I know I am difficult to love and I would like you to say it right from the start—before I let you in completely.

In the beginning, you may perceive me as an arrogant, too picky, and self-absorbed girl. I may look like a stubborn pain in the ass. I am not going to trust you and I’m going to doubt your intentions towards me. I will just assume that you are near me because you want to emotionally use me.

But, don’t blame me. Numerous men in my life taught me not to give myself to anyone and not to let my guard down. The truth is that the real me is nothing like that—that is just a part of my defense mechanism. Deep down, there is still that innocent girl waiting for someone to wake her up.

So please be different and put an effort to get to know the real me. I promise you it will be worth it.

I will do my best to be the best girlfriend you’ve ever had. I will always be there for you, I will be your best friend and romantic partner at the same time. I will push you forward and always have your back. Don’t worry, I’m not needy or too jealous, but I demand respect and honesty. I can teach you what a true, unconditional, once-in-a-lifetime love is all about. I am not someone who plays mind games and I will never lie to you. And the more comfortable I get with you, the bigger my love for you will get.

So please make me happy and try not to break my heart.

 

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