To my ex;
I guess you already know that you have broken my heart. You always knew I was more into you than you were into me. You said it was for the best when we stopped dating, but best for who? You just thought about yourself as usual. My heart should’ve expected to be hurt by you, but I suppose it’s just a part of life. Maybe that’s why when I broke in two, I didn’t even feel surprised.
People warned me this is what would happen, but I spent my life trying to convince them that they were wrong – you’d never hurt me. Now I can let them know they were right. You probably didn’t ever care that much, even at the start of our relationship. After all, if you did care, you wouldn’t have left me.
I guess I sound a little bit bitter, but wouldn’t anybody? I’m going through a break up, and it hurts. It hurts because I know I was never good enough for you. It hurts because I knew all along you’d be the one to break my heart. I didn’t acknowledge it, thinking I was paranoid. But now it hurts because I should have seen it coming. I should’ve run when I had the chance, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to see how things might play out, and try to change our destiny together. You were my everything, and you left me like I meant nothing to you. I’m just another girl on a list of many.
We had so much time together that it’s hard to imagine what I’ll fill my time with now. Every memory I have, it’s like you were there in the corner, being a part of it even when we were on opposite sides of the room. People said we were joined at the hip. Maybe that’s why I feel so detached, as though I’ve lost a part of me. Now I have to try and make a new body for myself, as well as a new life. There’s nothing left that isn’t broke.
I had all my firsts with you – first kisses, first love, first dates. My friends always told me that firsts don’t count for anything, because they never last. No one I know has ever stayed with their first partner, but I thought I would be the one to prove them wrong. Now, I know better. Thank you, I guess. For embarrassing me. For showing up my naivety. Thanks for hurting me and letting me think it was something I’d done to deserve it.
You have broken my heart, but you haven’t broken me. Not now, not ever. I’m taking the power back for myself. I’ll never allow myself to get to this point again. I’ll find someone who wants me the way that I want them. It might take a long time to be able to love again. I always imagined my future was with you, and it’s hard to consider that might not be the case anymore. But I’ll find a path to take to move on from you. Not out of spite, though it would be good to show you what you’re missing. But not out of spite. Out of respect for myself. Because I know, deep down, that I was always good enough for you. You just couldn’t see that. And with that, comes the knowledge that I can do better.
You know, I was thinking about us the other day. I dug out an old video we decided to make at the start of our relationship. It was stupid, really. We were just laughing, messing around like kids. The girl in the video looks happy. That girl is gone, but I will try to get her back. Or maybe I’ll make myself into someone new. A person you don’t feel like you know. The girl you broke won’t exist anymore. The new me won’t let anyone ruin her fresh start. And if you see me in the street, you’d best let me walk on by. I don’t want to see you again, or watch you smile with someone new. I don’t want good things for you. Sorry if that’s selfish. The new me is working on doing things in my own interest. Seeing you unhappy just happens to be a part of that.
Things can only go up from here. You have broken my heart, but you haven’t broken me. That’s the one thing I need you to know. I hope someday, someone shows you what it’s like to hurt the way you’ve made me hurt. And when they do, I hope you think of me and remember what you did. Maybe you’ll regret it. Maybe not. But at least then, you’ll understand.