This story is for the man who I loved more than myself. This is my last goodbye to the man who was my first love. My first everything. These words are for the man who shattered my soul and left me without a goodbye. That man killed me, but I was still alive. He took my life, but I was living. That man knocks down my dreams, my hopes, my everything. He destroyed me, then left. And I was there alone, half-live, half-dead.
Actually, I was with him for so long, I allowed him to hurt me. I loved him. Damn, I loved a man who was with me, but he never fully chose me. One day he was the perfect boyfriend. And those days were full of kissing, cuddling, full of gifts. He made me feel safe with me. I was his, all of me, he was my home.
But other days, he was showing me the other side of him. And on that days, he was breaking my heart.
That man made me believe that I am not enough, that my love is not enough. But I still loved him. And I was trying, and trying to be enough for him. Just because I loved him so bad. I loved him so much it hurts.
For him was totally normal to ghost me, to turn off his phone, to left me alone when I needed him so bad. He didn’t care about how many tears I cried. All his harsh words were like poison.
He was ready to left me to stay up all night wondering where is he, what he is doing. All that time while we were together real pain was running through my entire body. Actually, I was forced to taste my pain over and over again. But I loved him, no matter what he was doing to me.
I loved him even when he broke all promises he gave to me. And that broken promises left scars on my soul, on my heart. All that scars are still here, somewhere deep inside me.
On the days when he decided to be a good boyfriend he wouldn’t stop calling me and texting me. He spoke sweet words because he knew that the would make my heart melt. Also, he was pushing me away but he knew the perfect way to pull me back.
He knew that I loved all his flaws and wrongness, all those part which normal person would hate, I loved. I was trying to make him a better man. But he won. He didn’t allow me to change him. And he used my heart and my love to change me.
Maybe he had a feeling for me, or maybe not. I don’t know. To be honest, I don’t want to know did he loved me or not. I don’t care what was his reason to be with me.
What I know is when you love someone, you don’t do things that will hurt them. And he was doing the terrible things. He knew that they will hurt, but he still chose to do them. I guess that is not a love.
Once he told me that our love is once in a lifetime. What love? His abusing was love? The pain he put me through was love? I don’t think so.
He hurt me, I was the one who suffered. Maybe he hurt me because he knew that I loved him with every fiber of my being, so he chose to use my love against me. Maybe.
It took me so long to realize that he doesn’t deserve me. But now I am ok, I am happy. And all these words are my last goodbye. Last goodbye to the man who put me through hell and back. To the man who I loved more than anything, but he still chose to take my life.