I’ve been hurt many times, and I’ve been abandoned even more.
People came into my life, made an impact, and left as if I meant nothing to them. Once, twice, and then I stopped counting.
I couldn’t deal with the fact that the number kept getting bigger, year after year.
Every time I thought about the things they did to me, my heart sank a little more.
“Am I really a bad person? Do I deserve to be treated like I have no worth by every single man that comes into my life?”
These questions became my state of mind. I wondered a lot about the way guys treated me like I have no heart, no emotions.
They took what they wanted, fed their ego, and then moved on, leaving me in the past – not even turning their head on the way out.
And then, when others tell me that I’d changed, I’d just stare at them blankly.
I could tell them the whole story behind it, but I simply have no fight left in me anymore.
I’m drained from all of the past experiences and I’ve started building a wall around myself. Something that can protect me from the evil faces who keep wearing their masks of angels.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m still full of love.
I still romanticize small gestures of kindness every time a guy treats me nicely. I still let out a deep sigh when I see a happy couple in love.
The way I see the love and feel about it will never change. I’ll always be that silly girl who believes in her perfect match, in her Prince Charming.
But I’ve become more cautious, that’s a fact.
Each time a guy let me down, I pulled in a little more. Step by step, I came to the point where I barely trust men.
I know what they did to me in the past, and I’m scared of going through the same experiences ever again.
From the toxic men who played with my feelings and manipulated me, to the ones who emotionally abused me and never cared for how I felt.
The feelings they arouse in me are still deeply carved into my heart.
Their fingerprints will never leave this body; their actions will never leave my mind.
Because of them, I started being more careful when it comes to love. Every guy I meet now seems to be wearing a mask, like all of the ones before him.
I’m having trouble with seeing the good in people when I know how destructive they can get.
I know how much it hurts when you can’t fall asleep because you keep repeating images in your head. When you keep asking yourself, “Was it my fault that they hurt me? Did I do something wrong?”
Because when you see that the pattern keeps repeating and every guy treats you the same way, you start thinking that the problem is in you.
You feel like you must be doing something wrong because no matter what you do and how tough you act, they all find a way to wreck you.
That’s what’s made me cautious.
That’s what’s made me over-question every single man that’s come into my life after those painful experiences from the past.
So, please, don’t blame me for taking so long. Don’t blame me for asking you a million questions before letting you in.
The girl in me is still afraid of what you might do to me, even after I allow you in.
But I know that I must continue with my life and that I can’t isolate myself from the rest of the world just because a few bad people in the past knew how to hurt me.
I realize that it’s a ruthless world where I have to be my biggest protector. I have to be my own guardian angel because no one else ever will.
And that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m not being too reserved or pretending that I’m better than others.
This isn’t me acting like a queen and ignoring every guy who approaches me.
This is me – a girl who’s been hurt multiple times, trying to save her heart from breaking again. A girl who’s still picking up the pieces after guys who decided to crush her like she’s a castle of sand and not a human being with feelings.
So, next time someone tells me that I’ve changed, I might tell them the whole story.
I might tell them all of the reasons why I’m acting the way I am because I wasn’t born like this.
Instead, the cruel world made me pull into my own shell and hide from those who love to toy with others’ feelings.
I’m still full of love – that part of me won’t ever change. It’s rooted deep in my bones, and I won’t ever be able to get it out of my system.
But what has changed is the way I act around people.
The amount of time I need to let them in is that much longer because I can’t afford another heartbreak.
I’ve been naive in the past, trusting people more than I should. I never questioned their intentions because I believed that we’re all innately good.
But this has changed and you can’t blame me for that. If you had to go through the same things as I did, you’d never say a word.
I know what it feels like to love and lose. To give and not get anything in return except tears and pain. Those feelings are well-known to me.
So, please don’t ask me why I’ve built a wall around myself. Why I keep pushing others out of my world.
I’m just more cautious, that’s all. And I’ll probably keep being this way until I come across the one who’ll show me why I still believe in love.