I’m choosing to forgive you. Not because you deserve it, but because I need to free myself.
For years now I’ve been holding on to the misery. I would wake up in the middle of the night soaked in my own sweat with this anger in my chest as I’ve never felt before.
It felt like I was going crazy. I kept holding on to the memories and the things you did to me, so I would never go back to you.
I kept them hidden from the world, locked inside my mind, just to remember what you did to me and never forget it.
I’ve learned since then that it’s not the best idea. My heart can’t handle holding on to this pain anymore. It’s like you’re still haunting me even though I don’t want you anymore.
When I look back at the things that happened, it all seems like a nightmare.
A nightmare where I was underwater, slowly losing consciousness. I was drowning in my love for you while also losing myself along with it.
You made love seem like a curse. Loving you was a downfall from the high I felt whenever you’d show me a crumble of love.
When I did fall in love with you, it felt wonderful. You made me believe that I was the one and only woman you’d ever love.
You were the person I’d been looking for. When I was a girl, I dreamed of meeting the perfect man who I’d love forever. I dreamed of someone who’d treat me right and show me that fairy tales do come true.
You promised me a happy ever after, but all I got was another heartbreak that led me to actually believe that love isn’t real.
You taught me to always be cautious. That a man, no matter how sweet he might seem, could and would use me if he got the chance. You showed me that I needed to be on the lookout because people wear masks.
I realized this the very moment you told me that I couldn’t do anything you didn’t approve of because I belonged to you.
No one has ever said this to me before you. I thought that I only belonged to myself and no one else.
So when you decided that you had the right to tell me what to wear, how to speak, and what to do, I only thought you were doing the best for me.
You convinced me that I wanted this. You convinced me that this was exactly what love should feel like, because if I loved you then I would agree to these things.
It wasn’t until you expected me to break all my boundaries that I figured out it was time to stop you.
When you’d go through my phone without my permission or ask me not to hang out with people anymore. You wanted me for yourself and then blamed me for being boring.
I had nothing to tell you when I wasn’t allowed to experience anything without you. My brain only thought of you and I was completely consumed by you.
I was lost in you. So when my family started telling me how much I was changing, it felt like a dream they were trying to wake me up from.
I was so in love with you that I didn’t see it. I didn’t see how much you were manipulating me. The woman I no longer knew because I’d become your own personal puppet.
But I was stronger than that. It took me an entire year to gather the strength to leave you, to walk away from the man who turned me into his own little plaything.
The aftermath was so obvious that I thought I’d lost myself completely. I would sweat when I had to make a decision for myself. Whenever I’d take ownership of my body or do the things you didn’t let me, I’d feel awful about it afterward.
It took me so long to heal from the damage you inflicted on me. You changed me emotionally and mentally to the point where no one around me could recognize me either.
Now I’m choosing to forgive you, to set myself free from your grip.
So that I don’t have to cry myself to sleep anymore. I forgive you for the things you did to me, for the puppet you’ve created.
But I will never forget your cruelty.
I will never forget the fact that you used my love against me. You thought that it was funny how clingy I was or how much I wanted you to love me in return. So you took advantage of it and showed me how weak I was.
But look at me now! I’m this strong and independent woman. Yes, there’s so much more work to do. I have so much more to work on to wash you out of my system, but I’m already doing so well.
It might take a while longer, but I’ve already conquered the first step. I’ve chosen to forgive you and find my own peace.
I’ve forgiven you for what you did, but I will forever hold you accountable for everything that happened to me.
You’re still the worst person I’ve ever known, but for my own peace of mind, I’m choosing to forgive you completely.