I tried, I really did, with the number of times I gave you more chances and you never delivered.
You’d been giving me the same story ever since the two of us met.
It was like I was listening to the same tune over and over again and nothing seemed to help it change.
I went to bed every night, thinking that things would be different in the morning. But then when I woke up, I felt more tired than the day before.
You gave me a lot of promises and even more excuses. But you never gave me proof that you’d change and that we’d finally get to live our love story.
I guess that means that it wasn’t really a love story and that it never would have been. It was only a game and we were the main players in it.
I was just a fool who kept trusting you, but by doing that, I just hurt myself. And honestly, I got tired.
I didn’t want to listen to your excuses anymore, as they never seem to end.
Every time I asked you to have a serious conversation about our relationship, you gave me the same old story.
Over and over again, your excuses became clichés and I felt sick every time I heard them.
One day, you said it was because the timing wasn’t right for you and I asked you to tell me when it would be.
Should I have left and returned in five years’ time? One year’s time? A month’s time?
Well, I couldn’t really do that then, because if I had, I would have left forever.
Even if your timing had magically become right, trust me, I wouldn’t have gone back.
I’d been listening to your excuses for too long and I didn’t think that I could keep doing that anymore.
You made it clear that YOU weren’t ready for me and that was the only truth.
If you weren’t ready then, I knew you wouldn’t be ready the next day or even in five years’ time.
Your ‘bad timing’ only made it clear that you didn’t like me the way I liked you but that was your loss. I grew tired of fighting against that.
A thousand times, I fell for your words. I gave them a chance the same way I gave you a chance.
No matter what, you kept doing the same thing.
You never wanted a serious relationship but you made it less hurtful by saying that your decision was only temporary.
“Right now, I don’t want anything serious.“
You didn’t even know how hopeful I felt when I heard those words ‘right now‘.
I gave you time so that you could work your life out and I waited. And waited… And waited…
Your ‘right now‘ seemed to last forever.
It got to the point where I felt too physically tired to grab my phone and read your message, because I knew that you would be giving me yet another excuse.
And I was right, because you always made an effort to tell me something new and fresh that had the goal of renewing my hope.
That was when you became busy with work, family, or friends.
There was always something…
And I think if I had given you another chance, the next thing you would have told me would have been that you were stuck on a remote island and you couldn’t really think about our relationship at that time.
I was tired of it and I realized that you would never change, no matter how long I stuck with you.
So, that night, I told you that I couldn’t take it anymore and that I was leaving you, and you decided to play your dirty little game once again.
You fell apart in front of me, telling me that you didn’t want to lose what we had. You begged me to stay and give you one more chance and foolish me accepted.
And what was the next thing I got from you? Two sentences that make me angry even today.
“If we could keep it a secret for some time. I’m not good with labeling.”
Do you know how that made me feel? Well, it was like I had been thrown off a cliff.
Somewhere in the middle of falling, you caught me and gave me hope that I was safe. After that, you threw me over again.
Then, there was that time when you yourself cut off all ties with me.
I was tired of even being in the same room with you because you were dangerous. You played with people like they were toys.
You turned me into a desperate, sad version of myself and I couldn’t take it anymore.
That’s when I realized that I was tired of listening to your excuses. I knew I couldn’t build my life around them any longer.
I couldn’t be with someone who only pretended to like me so that he didn’t end up alone.
Instead, I wanted something real.
I wanted someone who would love me for who I was, without pretending.
He’d tell me when something was wrong and he’d always try to make things work.
I wanted to feel safe in a relationship, to know that it was really what I wanted and that I wasn’t settling for anyone.
I wanted a committed, serious relationship, where we’d work together to create our future. To create our love story…
Most importantly, I didn’t want to hear excuses anymore. I was so tired of them.
My stomach turned every time I heard any form of them and I instantly felt the urge to walk away from anyone saying them.
I knew I wouldn’t be able to survive any more manipulation with words because that was what our relationship was like (if I can even call it a relationship, as you didn’t like labeling things, right?).
You manipulated me with your words and I seemed to always fall for them.
Over and over again, I gave you the green light to play with me the way you wanted.
I admit that was my mistake. On the flip side, you also needed to admit that you never wanted me forever, I was just a temporary solution and that was the most I could ever be to you.
Your excuses kept me in your life for as long as you wanted, until I decided that it was enough.
I was exhausted and I couldn’t take it anymore, I wanted something real, something that wouldn’t make me feel like I wasn’t enough.
I wanted someone who would make me feel happy each time I thought of his name.
And you were never that guy…