I never knew how to play your little games. I had pride in the fact that I was so soft-spoken and forgiving.
Now, I see just how wrong I was for letting that happen.
To be honest, people have always told me that I don’t have a backbone. They blamed me for being weak, when in actuality, they wouldn’t know empathy if it hit them in the face.
I was the gentle, sweet girl everyone wanted but they couldn’t deal with the emotions that came with that.
However, once you got to know me, you didn’t mind. You didn’t mind because I was the perfect playground for your sick little fantasies.
You showered me with love at the beginning. It seemed like all my dreams were coming true right in front of my eyes.
The very moment you told me you loved me, I saw you get flowers from behind your back, in all the colors I loved the most. I knew that it was special because no one ever listened to how much I loved these colors or how happy they made me.
That’s why I was so mesmerized by the fact that you remembered. You remembered and that in itself was enough for me to love you even more.
From that moment onward, I imagined loving you for the rest of my life.
As the days went by, the love you showed me started to become just a crumb of what you had gotten me used to. I never asked you to bring me the stars down from the sky but I asked you to love me tenderly.
I asked you to love me softly, slowly, and show me that I was your entire world because my unconditional love for you was everything you were getting.
The first time you yelled at me, I cried myself to sleep. You called me too emotional to function properly and told me that I had to become stronger if I wanted to be a part of your life.
You didn’t want a crybaby because that was too much work for you.
That should have been the moment that I left and never looked back. But by that point, you had already captured my heart with sweet words and so much of your attention.
At that time, I didn’t see your cruelty but instead, I tried to find the fault in myself. I saw someone too weak to continue being in a relationship, I saw your words as law, and I completely wanted to change myself.
That change wouldn’t be made overnight but if I wanted to keep you, I would have to do whatever it took to keep you by my side, even if it meant changing myself completely.
However much I changed, however, it was never enough for you. Time after time, you’d find something wrong with me.
Your games escalated when love was nowhere in sight. You would tell me that I needed to deserve it and you’d ask unspeakable things of me.
I obeyed to the point where I felt my heart crack into two and who knows where those little shards from the aftermath had scattered.
You saw a little girl who didn’t know who she was without you because by that point, you were everything, and my world revolved around you. You were my sun, my moon, and all my stars – my entire galaxy, if you will.
Those games of yours would always leave me bruised. I vividly remember the time you pretended not to see me waiting for you in a cafe so that you could flirt with the waitress.
She was mesmerized by you and I could imagine what you were telling her. She seemed to fall for your words just like I once had.
I remember the way you would pretend to not hear me when I would cry and scream at you for not holding on to your promises.
There was that day when I waited for you for hours to pick me up. I had gotten ready, put a little bit more effort into my looks just to make you love me a little bit more.
I didn’t know that you didn’t even know what love was back then.
You would ghost me for days, pretend as if I didn’t exist, and then come back the very moment you were too lonely. When you had no one else to play with, you’d knock on my door and tell me that you hadn’t meant it.
I thought that you just needed to learn how to love.
The fact that you broke me in the making of yourself is so frustrating. Now I’m the broken one.
Now I’m the one sitting at home and going through those memories. My heart can’t catch a break, can it?
“Too emotional.” I was too emotional for you when you were the one always waiting for me to break under your stare.
I’ll pick myself back up. That’s the only thing I know.
I will pick myself back up but you will forever be miserable. You will remain this miserable little piece of nothing who doesn’t know anything other than hurting people.
I’ve made the decision to let you be miserable with yourself. I don’t have to stand aside and watch you ruin your chances at happiness.
You could have been happy with me and I would have done anything to be your happiness. But you didn’t care.
You didn’t care just how much you hurt me.
My heart is still breaking but I will pick those pieces up. I will build myself up again but in order to do so, I need to leave you and never see you again.
I can’t just let myself rot right there in front of you. You don’t deserve to see me break.
You deserve to be alone and figure your own self out. I don’t have to stand by and take the blows you throw my way.
Instead, I’m going now, so you’re left to fend for yourself. I’m not your plaything anymore.
You can go and play those games all you want, like the little boy you are. I’m a strong woman who chooses to not be a part of that any longer.
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