I’ve spent so much time listening to you and now it’s time for you to finally listen to me. And no, this is not me begging you to come back. This is me realizing my worth and the fact that the day you left was the day I started getting my old self back.
People used to tell me that I looked like the happiest person alive. Wherever I went, I could hear comments like that. And honestly, I thought so too. They would ask me questions like “How’s it possible that you look so happy as soon as you open your eyes in the morning?“
And I would just tell them that the day is only beginning and if we act grumpy from the moment we open our eyes, how should we expect anything good from the day in front of us? I lived by that rule and most of my days were truly amazing.
And sometimes when I was feeling blue, or something bad happened, I would still try to stay grateful for the little things that made me happy when I woke up. Like my mom’s text “Honey, have you eaten today? “, or my best friend’s “I’ll pick you up at 8:30 PM, dress code: casual.“
Honestly, my cheat code for happiness was enjoying the things I like, surrounding myself with people I love, and staying busy if the rough times arrive. And my cheat code worked very well, I actually shared it with a few of my friends and it worked totally fine for them too.
My favorite activity was reading books before going to sleep. People assume I was reading like 10-15 pages every night, but honestly, I used to read hundreds of them. I loved my reality, but sometimes it was still nice to disappear into a fictional world.
Hmm…what else? I loved my Sunday dinners with family! And Thursday’s pancakes with my best friend. God, I miss those pancakes. Oh yes, I also used to take long walks and listen to music for hours.
I used to be bubbly, at least that’s the adjective most people used to describe me. I used to look forward to every single day that was in front of me. There wasn’t a day that I haven’t seen my friends and family. And I was always ready to solve every issue that appears.
Then I met you.
At first, I was still the same person as before. I was still waking up happy, spending Sundays and Thursdays with my favorite people, taking long walks around the city, and reading my books before falling asleep.
You told me that you fell in love with me because of these things. Then why did you try so hard to change me? I noticed it soon after we started dating, but I always thought I was overreacting. And you always told me that you’re only giving me advice because you want me to be safe.
It felt a bit off, but I still believed you. I guess you knew that I only see the best in people, so you decided to use that against me. You introduced yourself as my savior when you were in fact the one who made me lose myself.
You told me that I’m overly optimistic about life and that, one day, I’ll get hurt because of that. So your piece of advice for me was to be a bit more realistic. I didn’t want to lose my happy mornings but you promised me that I’ll be even happier when I start thinking more realistically.
So I did and it felt nice at the beginning. I was rarely disappointed and the good things that happened felt like a beautiful gift I wasn’t expecting. But as more time passed, I became sadder and sadder.
I lost my ability to find happiness in the small things and didn’t know how to get that back. I even started thinking about the bad things that can happen in one day. And that’s how I lost the first bit of my spark.
Then those Sundays and Thursdays with the ones I love the most became every second or third Sunday and Tuesday. My heart was broken every time I had to delay that, but I was just so anxious about going out. Another bit of spark was gone.
Well, at least I still had my long walks and my music… Until I didn’t. You told me it was too dangerous for a beautiful girl like me to walk alone. And you suggested taking a walk with me every night. We did that, but it’s not what I wanted.
I wanted my music, I wanted my family and friends back, and I wanted my happiness back. And that’s how I realized that the final bit of my spark was gone. I was like an empty shell and you were the one to blame.
You somehow managed to destroy everything I ever loved about myself. But what you failed to realize is the fact that I’m much stronger than you think. You thought I would never realize that you were the one to blame. But I did, and I never want to see you again.
And I might be sad, broken, anxious, and confused. But there’s still something I know for sure. I was born with my spark, and you didn’t destroy it; you just made it hide. I’m going to tell it that it’s safe to come out now and I’ll be as happy as I was before I met you.
I miss who I was before I fell in love with you, but I’m strong enough to save myself. I’m strong enough to leave you and start my journey of rescuing the happy kid inside me.
And I’ll start tomorrow. The day when I’ll wake up happy again and my happy little thing will be the fact that you’re not around anymore.