I Miss Him But I Deserve To Move On From Us

Day 3

Dear Diary, it’s been 3 days since I lost the love of my life. I barely ate 3 full meals during these days, I haven’t showered as much as I should’ve, I didn’t answer any calls or texts, and my room is a mess. Maybe I should think about responding to a few messages so my friends know I’m still alive; if I can call this life.

As you can see, I haven’t done anything much in the past three days. However, I did spend at least 24 hours doing one single thing. Looking at the ceiling and thinking about him, us, and everything we had together. Oh, it hurt so much to write “had” when I thought it would always be “have”.

My mom keeps asking me questions I don’t even know how to answer. I don’t blame her; it all happened suddenly. Of course, she wants to know more. I’m her kid and she needs to know how I’m holding on, but I just can’t talk. I don’t have the strength to talk about it now. And I hope she understands.

I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this. And I’m also pretty sure that laying in my bed and doing nothing won’t help much, but that’s the most I can do right now. Maybe I’ll get some strength today to at least shower and clean my room. I miss him so much. Bye Diary, and bye me.

Day 11

My Dear Diary, I’m sorry I haven’t written for 8 days, but hey, now I’m back. Honestly, I didn’t write because I didn’t have much to say. I did shower that day and I did clean my room, and I have to admit that it even helped me feel a bit better.

After that, I told myself that I’m not allowed to have such a messy room ever again. It’ll be a life-long task, that I don’t really like, but I know that it has so many benefits, so I’ll try to stick to it. Also, I started eating a bit more. Now I’m on two full meals a day. I do feel sick after both of them, but I still eat! Good job me!

However, there’s still something that hasn’t changed yet. I still miss him. Today I watched our old videos and I cried. Not only because I’m heartbroken at the moment, but because I don’t think I’ll ever see myself that happy again. Honestly, I don’t think he’ll ever laugh like that either.

I really thought we were meant to be. With him, I always felt so loved, special, powerful, and beautiful. He made me feel all the best feelings in the world, and I’ll never forget them. But the sad thing is that I’ll have to miss them for the rest of my life.

How could I ever move on from us? Everything reminds me of him and it comes in waves. His laughter, our karaoke nights, dance lessons we took together, endless hours spent on movies, and our favorite places around the town.

You know what, I’ve been trying so hard to avoid those places, but what if I need to do something completely opposite? Yes, I’ll try that. Today I’ll go to our favorite pastry shop and get some ice cream. Maybe confronting our memories will help me get over him. But God, I think I’ll miss him forever.

Day 12

Dear Diary, I don’t feel like writing that much today. This is just my quick entry to say that I went to our place and it felt so heartbreaking. I went there alone a few times before, but never this alone. I always had him waiting at home, but now the only one waiting for me is that lunch I made today.

Visiting our pastry shop was a good idea, but I’m not so sure that it really helped. Maybe it will in the future, let’s hope for that. Until then, I’ll have to find something else to help me ease my pain. I should maybe think about putting his things in a box because looking at them makes me feel even sadder.

You know what, I’ll put on some music and I’ll try to put them all in a big box and hide them somewhere. I really don’t want to throw them away. Those are our memories and I don’t feel comfortable mixing them with other trash. I miss him and those memories so much. Is this ever going to stop?

Day 29

Dear Diary, I know I betrayed you by not writing for so many days. But, honestly, I didn’t have anything special to write. Our memories are now locked in a box under my bed. They are still pretty much unlocked in my head, though.

I visited a few of our other favorite places, just in case, it helps in the future. And I don’t know how’s it possible that we haven’t bumped into each other at least once in these 29 days. I mean, we’ve been going to the same places for 5 years, so I really thought I might see him somewhere.

I wonder how’s he doing. Maybe he also feels as broken as I do, so he tries to avoid places he knows I go to. It’s probably that. I know that he misses us and I sure miss him and us too. I started thinking that it’s a feeling that will never go away, and I’ll just need to learn how to have it as my roommate.

Day 47

Dear Diary, I haven’t written for ages. I couldn’t make myself write these things, but I know I need to. You know I always tell you everything. The last time I wrote here I said I wanted to know how he feels, does he miss me, and does he avoid our places because it hurts so much to go there alone.

I was so sure that he misses me too, but only a few days after I wrote that I saw him. I saw him in that same pastry shop. But the difference between me and him was that I was alone, and he wasn’t. He was holding her hand and laughing just the way he used to when he was still my boy.

I don’t know if he saw me or not, but I saw something that broke the rest of my heart. However, it was also something that helped me realize one thing. He’s moved on, and I deserve to move on from us too. Yes, I do miss him, and I feel like I always will. But I can’t live like that.

I can’t spend days locked in my room crying over our memories. If he deserves to be happy again, I deserve that too. If he can laugh with her, the way he laughed with me, I can find someone who’ll make me feel the same way.

I know that it’s going to be a tough journey, but now I know that it’s possible. And I know that I deserve to find happiness again. My dear Diary, I can’t wait to write to you again when things get better. I promise I won’t keep you waiting for a long time.