“It’s all my fault. I messed up my relationship. What can I do to repair it?”
Whatever you’ve done or said, your actions certainly had bad consequences and there’s a good chance that your boyfriend or even ex-boyfriend doesn’t want to see or talk to you ever again.
I understand that you’re in a bad place right now and looking for a way to get him back. After all, that man means the world to you (you might even have been dating since high school!) so you have a hard time letting go of him.
I know how you’re feeling because I’ve been there.
There was a time when I hurt my boyfriend and did everything I could to prove to him I was sorry. Unfortunately, even though I knew I messed up big time and apologized sincerely, he didn’t give our love another chance.
So, I’m going to help you not to make the same mistake and instead make the right moves so that you potentially win back your loved one.
Don’t worry too much about your mistakes – all of us mess up at some point. None of us is perfect and we all have flaws and things we want to change about ourselves.
But it’s crucial that you own up to your mistakes and realize that you need to correct certain things about yourself if you want to continue with your relationship.
But before we dive into how to fix your faults, let’s look at the main reasons people mess up in the first place.
Why do relationships break down?
Relationships can be very tricky. Not only are you creating a new future with someone else, but also dealing with each other’s past and personal issues.
That’s why it’s rather difficult to find someone who is compatible with you and who’ll be patient enough to work alongside you toward finding a solution to your problems.
That’s why many couples fail to find common ground and give up because they can’t fight anymore. In those moments, the spark disappears and they start drifting away from each other.
So, what are the most common reasons people break up? Is it because they make a big mistake? Or is it something else?
1. You’re not on the same page
One of the most common reasons relationships fall apart is that partners aren’t on the same page. You’ve heard people say “love conquers all,” but that’s only partially true.
I mean if you’ve been saying to yourself “I messed up my relationship, but he loves me so that’s why he’ll come back,” then you’ll never be getting another chance with your man ever again.
Relationships require a lot of hard work and dedication, but you need to be on the same page if you want to have a healthy relationship.
At the end of the day, you and your partner need to agree about fundamental decisions like where should you two live, if and when you’re going to have kids, how to handle finances, and stuff like that.
If you don’t see eye to eye on those important life matters, then you’ll be living in a broken relationship that’s forever on the brink of failure.
You know, even a long-distance relationship can survive if you are on the same page. That’s because most of the problems couples face never get resolved, but those big things have to since they can lead to the end of the relationship.
2. Misdirected anger
Another common reason couples break up is misdirected anger. Everyone has bad days and you can’t expect that you or your partner are smiling and feeling happy every single day.
Perhaps you had a bad day at work and you just want to get home and lie in bed for the rest of the day. But as soon as you arrive home, your partner starts annoying you with their stuff, and eventually, all hell breaks loose.
You can’t come home and bring a bunch of negative energy with you. In the end, things will get ugly and it can damage your relationship, not to mention your mental health.
3. Not supporting your partner
Many people leave their significant other because their partner was unsupportive of their dreams and goals.
One of the main benefits of having a life partner is that you have a person who always has your back no matter what, who gives you a slight push when you fail to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
If you aren’t supporting your partner, you’re basically telling them that their wishes and dreams aren’t worth your time and energy. Your significant other feels invalid and will therefore inevitably leave you.
If you can’t be there when your other half needs help, you should leave and take some time to reassess your priorities.
4. You rely on body language to convey your feelings
Many couples tend to be very honest about their feelings and emotions at the beginning of their relationship. They don’t cover up anything and openly say what’s on their mind, hoping that the other person will do the same.
But as things progress, some of them doom their relationships by assuming that their other half can and should be able to tell from their body language what’s on their mind.
Relationship experts agree that humans have a tendency to get too comfortable and lazy in long-term romantic relationships and as such stop having honest conversations with their partners.
5. You refuse to compromise
To be honest, it’s nearly impossible to find someone who thinks the same way as you do. Each of us has our own set of rules and thoughts, and the world wouldn’t be such a beautiful place if all of us were the same.
That’s why when you’re in a relationship, you need to compromise with your partner if you ever wish to have a future with them.
And by compromising, I don’t mean just letting your spouse decide which restaurant you go to. Making compromises with your other half means making a conscious choice to accept them for exactly who they are.
You don’t wish to change their flaws, quirks, and views because you know that those things make the other person unique.
“I messed up my relationship. What can I do to get him back?”
1. Reflect on your actions
“I messed up my relationship. How do I fix it?”
Before you dive in headfirst and start saying that you’re sorry a hundred times and showering him with countless gifts, you need to understand what you did.
Perhaps you said something that hurt him unintentionally or you instigated a fight where it wasn’t his fault at all.
Even if you screw up, you need to make sure to realize what caused the problems in the first place. Only then are you able to look back and work out where things went wrong.
Sadly, we often take our frustrations out on the people who are closest to us. By identifying stressful areas in your life, you’ll be able to change them and find out why you messed up things with your other half.
2. Take responsibility for your mistakes
Once you’ve taken the time to self-reflect, now you can take responsibility for your mistakes.
Your partner will never take you back if you don’t fully understand why the argument or fight happened. He’ll see right through you and won’t accept your apology because it’s not genuine.
So now that you’ve cleared your head from all those awful thoughts, it’s time to talk to your partner and take responsibility.
Don’t just say that you’re sorry only to blame it all on him or to beat around the bush and not talk about what happened. You’ll need to be honest and direct here.
3. Be honest with yourself
I understand that the situation is making you feel uncomfortable and the entire conversation will be awkward, but you need to be honest with yourself and your partner. You need to tell the truth.
After all, you’re showing your vulnerable side to your partner, but that’s a must if you ever want to get him back.
“I messed up my relationship and now my boyfriend doesn’t want to talk to me. What should I do?”
If this is the case, then you need to take matters into your own hands and explain to him why you did what you did, even if you don’t get back together. He needs to be aware that you’re a strong woman who doesn’t shy away from her mistakes.
Without the right amount of understanding on both ends, it’ll be much harder for you both to move on, whether that be as a couple or going your separate ways.
4. Listen to your partner
So, you have opened up to your partner and told him that you made a mistake and that you want a second chance.
Now comes the tricky part where you have to actively listen to him. This means that you’re not listening to reply, but your entire focus is on him and you’re concentrating on the things he has to say to you.
You can always ask him some questions to better understand your partner. Perhaps you can ask him how your actions made him feel. Or how you can improve things between you and him.
Don’t just wander around with your eyes; stay present. Actively listen and don’t interrupt him in any way.
Accept that you’ve hurt him and don’t argue back against his feelings. You need to realize that his thoughts about you may have changed, so keep that in mind too.
Use your body language to let him know you’re listening while looking him straight in the eyes.
5. Don’t be defensive
The worst mistake you can make right now is to be defensive and blame it all on him. Don’t do that because you’ll only push your partner (or ex-partner) further away from you.
When we behave defensively, it’s most times actually our ego coming out to cover up for the fact that we messed up big time. So, if you let your ego get the better of you, you’ll never see him again and he’ll never accept your apology.
Being defensive in the middle of a serious conversation can really damage your connection at this fragile time in your relationship, so it’s better for you if you control it.
Even if your partner starts being dramatic and doesn’t agree with you on certain things, you need to remember that you’re the one who screwed up. You’re the one who needs to say “I admit I made mistakes.”
So drop the defensive barrier and tune in to your partner’s emotions.
6. Show empathy
If you’re able to get to this level, that means you’ve listened to your partner, accepted your mistakes, and made a real effort to understand what he’s going through right now.
Now you’re ready to be fully empathetic to his needs. You can see things from his perspective and imagine how he feels right now.
Sometimes you’re unable to show empathy in those heated moments and you forget that the other person has feelings too, or that they’re confused and unhappy.
You’re probably feeling the same way, so don’t point fingers at anyone. Rather put all of your energy into making him feel understood.
He’s more likely to accept your apology if he sees that you’ve put yourself in his shoes.
7. Apologize honestly
“I messed up my relationship. Is there a way to rebuild it again?”
Now we’ve come to the most important part – saying that you’re sorry from the bottom of your heart.
For some people, it’s tough to own up to their mistakes and say “I’m sorry.” Maybe that’s because a sincere apology requires empathy, regret, as well as a promise to learn from your errors.
I mean, we’ve all apologized for something that we did even though we didn’t fully mean it, but in this case, a casual “sorry” won’t do the trick.
You can’t just go on and on with your apology and beg for his forgiveness because that only works in Hollywood movies. In reality, if you try to use this trick, your words will be perceived as lies.
So, what is the proper way to apologize to your partner?
First, you need to explain how much time you’ve put into understanding how he feels and taking responsibility for your actions. Then in a calm voice, while maintaining eye contact with your partner, tell him why you’re sorry.
He needs to see that you’ve changed and that you’re working on never repeating the same mistake ever again.
Who knows, maybe he gives you a second chance, especially when he sees that you’re making genuine improvements on yourself.
8. Stick to your word
Don’t just promise that you’re going to change and then make the same mistake twice. If you’ve taken your time to reflect where you were wrong, then make an honest effort to change those things about yourself.
When your partner sees that you’re committed to working on yourself, he’ll definitely consider giving your love another shot.
If you’re unable to see your fault in all that mess, then you can try to ask your close friends for an opinion or even go for counseling if you think it will benefit you. Don’t be afraid to seek someone else’s help because it can give you a fresh perspective on things.
Read a book on self-improvement, take that class you found online, and do whatever else it takes to be your better self.
9. Keep your partner informed about your progress
It’s good to have an accountability partner in these types of situations, so you can always keep your partner involved.
Try to come up with a plan and work toward achieving it together. Even though you may face some obstacles along the road, you shouldn’t be scared because you’ll have him to support you – that is if he wants to give you another chance.
That way, he’ll see that you’re truly making an effort to change and you’ll always be reminded who and what you’re fighting for.
This is also a great way to rebuild that bond you once had and take your relationship to another level.
10. Always be open to making compromises
As I mentioned earlier, many couples break up due to their inability to compromise in the relationship. However, those compromises are crucial if you’re trying to have a healthy relationship.
So, now that you’ve apologized to your partner and you’re doing your best to show him that you’re better, he might still not believe you just yet, which is okay. That happens more often than you think, so be prepared to make some compromises and sacrifices for him.
Perhaps if you weren’t supportive of your boyfriend, it would be natural for your partner to expect you to be there for him whenever he needs you. Or if you used to spend all your savings on girls’ nights out, then it’s probably for the best if he controls your finances.
Either way, you shouldn’t fight back, but be willing to compromise in your relationship. Because, let’s face it, your goal is to get him back and not to push him further away from you.
11. Be consistent
Okay, so you messed up your relationship for whatever reason. So what now?
For starters, you need to be consistent in doing what you say you will do. Don’t go back to your old habits and destroy everything you’ve worked on so far.
If you promised your partner that you’ll never lie to him again, then don’t even try to hide something from him, not even a white lie. Be honest at all times and don’t be afraid of the consequences.
Remember, you need to make sure that he trusts you again and the only way you’ll build that is through consistency. When you prove to him that you can back up your words with actions, he’ll be able to forgive you and move on.
12. Give him some space and time
One of the most important things that you need to do while trying to get back your partner is to give him space and time to think about the entire situation.
You can’t blame him for saying that he needs some time alone because you were the one who pushed him away in the first place. If you’ve been through a rollercoaster of emotions, then imagine how he’s feeling.
Calling him dozens of times a day and telling him that you’re genuinely sorry will only make things worse. You need to know when to stop and back off.
Don’t force him into talking to you because the conversation will be pointless.
13. Communicate in a way that suits both of you
When he finally does come around, it’s important that you rebuild your relationship in a way that works for both of you.
When you do finally recognize what your problem is, then you can work on talking to each other in a way that makes sense to both of you. Once you start doing that and keep it up, repairing your relationship will be much easier.
14. Focus on the positives, not only the negatives
Even if you’ve messed up your relationship and you regret it, it doesn’t mean that you didn’t have a great time together. One negative thing can’t erase all those beautiful memories you two share.
So, when your partner is open to talking to you, don’t be scared to bring up the positive sides of your relationship and tell him why you think he’s your soulmate. Try to keep things lighthearted and enjoy your time together.
You can lose yourself by constantly trying to fix your mistake, but that will only make things worse. He has to feel the same emotions as he did when you two started your relationship.
So, go out and have fun and be intimate with each other. Remember the time you were happy together, but keep in mind that you’re also trying to change.
Even though it’s difficult to balance between negatives and positives, it’s not impossible.