I Hope I’ll Be Brave Enough To Let Someone Love Me The Way I Hoped You Would

Class of 2016.

Or as it looks in my head, just you, me, and a bunch of random people sitting around us. You were all that mattered to me. So whenever I look back at those years, I can only see you, and honestly, it never even bothered me.

We made so many memories together, that I didn’t miss a single thing while totally ignoring the rest of the class. But it wasn’t so perfect at the beginning. Do you still remember how we met? Maybe you’ll lie to yourself and say that you don’t, but I know for a fact that you’ll always remember it.

It was our second month in the same class. Mr. Jenkins really wasn’t a fan of you, so you always got the worst grades in chemistry class. But that day, he said he’d talk to your coach if you didn’t study and get an A on the next exam.

The thing is, I knew you, but you didn’t really know me. You never paid any attention to me. If I don’t count those few times you asked me for a piece of paper, or the day you called me to ask me whether I’d done the assignment or not.

However, when Mr. Jenkins said that to you, I knew you’d call me. And I was right. We spent days together, mostly studying, but also getting to know each other better. I finally understood why sports meant so much to you, and I wanted to help you even more.

Honestly, I was a bit afraid that you’d just use me to study and never talk to me again. But after you got that A, you still called me every day. Oh God, as I’m writing this to you, I realize our life was like a teenage drama on Netflix. I always thought they were non-realistic, but now I know that’s not true.

Anyway, the thing you hated the most (chemistry) was what gave you someone who loved you more than anything. And I know there’s no chance you’ve forgotten that. There’s no chance you don’t remember the first time you came over to study, the first task you did correctly, or the day you got that A.

Let me get back to the story. We still hung out every day. We became best friends and there was no one else in the world I loved more than you. Months passed by and we just got closer and closer, and I realized we liked each other. But I just couldn’t get why we still weren’t dating.

Then summer came and we went to the beach together for the first time ever. We were so excited to go on our first small road trip. And you said you were happy because you knew how much I love spending time at the beach. We finally arrived, and it took you 42 minutes to kiss me.

I was the happiest person alive. You told me you waited all this time because you wanted to make me love the beach even more. You waited for summer just because you knew it was my favorite season and you were so sure that everything was gonna be alright, so you weren’t afraid to wait.

My biggest dreams came true the day I met you. I was always scared that I’d never find the right guy, and also scared to let someone come near me. I didn’t want to get hurt. I knew what happened to my sister and was always afraid of that happening to me. Heartbreak seemed so scary.

But with you, I didn’t have to be afraid of that. Or at least that’s what I thought. Months passed by and we were the cutest couple ever. We did everything together but still left some time for our friends and family. So no one ever had anything bad to say about our relationship.

Everything we ever dreamed of, we made it come true. All the road trips, nights at the beach, your football games, my chemistry contests. Everything was perfect. Time flew by so fast and we were soon saying goodbye to our classmates (not that we cared much about them – as I said, I only remember you).

And it was time for us to realize what we wanted to do next. I got accepted at the California Institute of Technology, and you at University of Michigan to play football. Long distance, but we promised each other to make it work.

And we did… for some time. Then I decided to fly to Michigan to surprise you. I was so excited and happy. You thought I was acting different, but I’d just told you I’d got invited to some chemistry course. Of course, you believed it – you knew how crazy I was about those things.

When the plane landed, I felt like a giddy kid on Christmas eve. I knew that with each step I took, I was getting closer and closer to you. Until finally, I was at your door. You’d told me you were studying, but when I got to your door, I heard a bunch of people inside.

I trusted you, so I thought your roommate invited someone. I even got mad at him for not respecting your studying schedule. He knew how much time you needed for football, but he still didn’t care to give you some privacy when you needed it for studying.

I knocked, but there was no answer. Then I figured it would be an even better surprise if I just went in. I knew the doors were always unlocked whenever there were many people coming in and out. So I opened the doors… And at that moment, my heart broke.

What was supposed to be my happiest moment, became my worst nightmare. Bottles on the floor, tons of random people, and you kissing her on the couch in the corner of the room. The same one I saw every time we Facetimed each other.

When I entered the room, everything went silent. I’ll never forget the look on your face. First, because that was the last time I saw you. And second, because you even seemed mad for me seeing you like that. Not sad that you hurt me, but angry that I caught you.

You called me hundreds of times after that night. The hardest thing I ever had to do was not pick up the phone, but I knew I needed to do that. You knew how afraid I was of love. You knew you were the first guy I let so close to me. I did it because I was so sure you were the one for me, but now I know you weren’t.

I’ll never know why you did it. It has bothered me for all these months, and it probably will for a long time. But I think the “why” is not so important. There’s no good enough reason to do that to someone who loved you more than anything and anyone.

In the past, heartbreaks seemed scary. Now I know that they are, in fact, even scarier than I possibly could have imagined. I don’t know when I’ll get enough strength to let someone close to me again. But I hope I’ll be brave enough to let someone love me the way I hoped you would.

There’s someone out there waiting for me. And this letter is my final goodbye to you. A goodbye that will finally let me move on and find someone who’ll truly love me and help me fall in love with love again.

I wish you all the best, but you already lost that, haven’t you?