You were in love with this man and you thought that your love would last forever. Then one day, you woke up and realized, “I hate my husband.”
The thought kept persisting even though you tried to fight it, and now all you can think about is “why?”
I’m going to cover the most common reasons why women say they hate their husbands and how to cope with the problem.
Surely there is something that’s causing this change of heart. And if you still want to fight for your marriage, you need to get to the bottom of it.
The truth is, even the strongest marriage has its fair share of crises. Yes, even the happiest relationships are occasionally unhappy. Whether your marriage will survive or not depends on whether you are both willing to fight for it.
Why do I hate my husband?
“Oh my God, I hate my husband. Do I really?”
If you’re feeling like the love is fading from your marriage and this question is keeping you awake at night, don’t panic. You’re about to learn why the thought that you hate your husband crept into your marriage in the first place and what you can do about it.
1. Our marriage fell into a rut
The most common reason a wife would think “I hate my husband” is if she started associating the dullness of life with her man.
Married life can become monotonous, and after a couple of years, you might start feeling like you’re never going to experience new things again.
Yes, things tend to turn into a routine in marriage. If your man seems content with a married life that you consider boring, you might even start resenting him for it.
When you first fell in love with him, he wasn’t the ordinary, boring man you’re with now. You’re missing the excitement of uncertainty and anticipation because nothing new happens.
What you can do is talk to your husband about it. Be honest with him and let him know that you haven’t been happy with how things have been lately.
If he’s fine with the everyday life you got bored of, he might not understand what you are bothered by.
No one’s stopping you from trying new things and introducing that excitement back into your life. Go on a vacation, pick up a hobby, go out. You can do some of the things alone and some with your husband.
Maybe you’ll discover something new that you can both do and enjoy together.
2. I’m not treated as an equal in the relationship
Your marriage has stopped seeming like an equal arrangement.
Maybe it was always that way, but you were too in love to see it. Or perhaps your husband started taking you for granted. Either way, he doesn’t see or treat you as an equal anymore.
He thinks that he’s always right, that only his opinions are right, and that he can make all the decisions. Your thoughts and opinions are considered mere suggestions that he can choose to ignore.
He’s the one in charge of the life decisions and family decisions that need to be made. You may get a say in the small things, such as which restaurant to go to, but that’s it.
You need to let him know that you’re not okay with playing the role of a quiet housewife he pictured for you. You’re the same independent, intelligent, strong woman he married. And you need to be able to be yourself with him.
Take charge when a decision needs to be made and don’t let him ignore your input. Let him know that he needs to bounce off with you before making big decisions that affect you and your marriage.
3. We don’t make compromises anymore
When you first started dating, you were considerate of each other’s feelings. You cared about your husband’s needs and wants and he cared about yours.
Now, he doesn’t even bother about what you want and need, and you feel just as apathetic toward him.
No wonder you’re thinking that you hate your husband when you end up fighting whenever you don’t want the same things.
Start with something small like doing little things for each other and compromising on things that aren’t that important.
If you’ve had a problem with compromising for a long time now, it’ll take some time to get accustomed to it again.
Keep in mind that you should both strive to make each other happy to have a healthy relationship. And in order to make each other happy, there needs to be some give-and-take and consideration of each other’s needs and wants.
4. We are too different
A common reason why a woman would say something like “I hate my husband” is if she feels that they are too different. The problem is that their big differences were never addressed.
We all have certain values that make us who we are. Whether they are moral, spiritual, or cultural values, they are a part of us.
Compromising on them makes us feel like we are betraying ourselves. We feel like we aren’t showing ourselves the love and respect we deserve.
If your husband and you are simply too different and don’t share the same core values, it might be why your feelings for him have changed.
Maybe he wants kids and you don’t, or the other way around. Perhaps you’d like to share finances while he wants each of you to manage your own.
Another big point of contention is differing religious beliefs, so you can’t agree on which one to teach your kids.
Whatever the reason might be, you and your husband have big issues that can’t be ignored for much longer. You both invested several years into your marriage despite the different values, but you now can’t stand it anymore.
Most of your fights might actually be caused by these core differences, even if you haven’t discussed them. They are an underlying issue that’s bound to come out at some point if it hasn’t already.
If you and your husband aren’t willing to adjust to each other and won’t even budge, there’s not much you can do. You will have to ask yourselves what you are willing to compromise on – your beliefs, or your marriage.
5. I’ve been stressed out over everything lately
Sometimes problems between spouses start because of other problems. Everyday life can become unbearable when there is too much stress. It can even turn spouses against each other.
Your work, other relationships, and all the piled-up responsibilities have left you annoyed by your husband.
Sometimes, when a woman says something alarming like “I hate my husband,” it’s just because she’s not coping with the pressures of life anymore.
If this is what you’ve been struggling with, you’ll have to learn to manage stress better. Your spouse is not the one to blame for everything and you shouldn’t take it out on him.
You can’t keep carrying all that weight and letting it disturb the peace you need at home. Become more aware of how problems at work or any other stressors affect your communication with your husband.
When you feel overwhelmed, let your husband know and let him help you relax. Maybe he can even help you with something or you can come up with a solution together.
For instance, if you’ve been stressed out because of kids’ duties, maybe you could take some time off and let him take over once in a while.
Keep in mind that your husband and you are supposed to be on the same side and work as a team. He can show you more compassion and understanding while you can find ways to ease the burden and de-stress.
6. I have a dysfunctional view of marriage
Maybe you were exposed to bad relationships as a child. You were constantly surrounded by stories of abuse and infidelity, which impacted the way you see marriage.
Perhaps you didn’t have examples of healthy, normal relationships growing up. The poor examples you had affected the way you understand relationships.
You can’t understand your husband’s wants and needs. And this is because they don’t fit into your dysfunctional idea of marriage.
Maybe you feel like you can’t understand what he wants from you and your relationship, even though you’re trying to.
Unfortunately, you can’t change your childhood and the examples set for you growing up. But you can work on recreating your expectations when it comes to marriage.
Talk to your husband about it and let him help you see marriage differently. Maybe he can offer a more objective perspective if his idea of marriage isn’t as dysfunctional as yours is.
Together, you could find a way to move past your experiences from childhood and create a healthier future. Make sure that you both feel safe to open up and contribute opinions regarding your marriage.
7. He hurt me
Maybe your husband is simply a toxic guy who mistreats you, so is perfectly understandable that you hate your husband.
You don’t fight all the time, but the aversion towards your husband is clearly there. He is either entirely unaware of it or doesn’t care enough to put effort into changing.
You’re supposed to feel safe with your partner and he should support you no matter what. So when he causes you distress instead, it’s natural to feel alienated.
His behavior even makes you question yourself and knocks your self-confidence. You have to let him know how you feel and see if he’s willing to work on things.
There’s a slight chance that he doesn’t understand how his words impact you. You have to talk to him about it and determine whether your marriage is worth fighting for.
8. He struggles with addiction
Maybe you hate that your husband has a drinking or gambling problem, or struggles with some other addiction.
You don’t even recognize the man you fell in love with when you look at him. His priorities have changed and you struggle to preserve the peace in your marriage.
Maybe he doesn’t drink alcohol, but spends a lot of money to cope with the stress of everyday life.
Regardless of which addiction he’s been struggling with, it’s taking its toll on your marriage. Your husband can’t control himself anymore and you feel like your marriage is falling apart because of it.
You have to talk to him and let him know that this is not what you signed up for. You’re his wife and you need a partner, not an addict.
There are professionals who can help people who struggle with addiction. Suggest that he speaks to someone and it might be good to try counseling as well.
9. I don’t feel like myself in marriage
Perhaps you catch yourself thinking that your life would have been better if you hadn’t got married. You can’t help it because you don’t feel like yourself anymore.
You’re not the person you were before. And you feel like your husband is holding you back from achieving your full potential. Maybe you even feel like married life has taken your identity from you.
You don’t even have any alone time because of all the chores. Perhaps you even feel that your husband discourages you from pursuing what you’re passionate about.
You’re frustrated because you’re not the person you were before you met him and you blame your husband for it.
What you can do is talk to him about it and see if you could have more alone time. If your husband truly cares about you, he’ll respect your request.
He’ll try to be more understanding and considerate regarding your needs. Your well-being should be important to him, and if it’s not, there’s a bigger issue in your marriage.
10. He doesn’t take care of himself anymore
It’s not rare for married people to let themselves go and maybe your husband has too. It’s not shallow thinking – it’s bothering you because looking good is important for physical attraction.
Without attraction, you can grow to dislike your husband. He doesn’t care about being attractive anymore and it’s a problem.
If you have some other problems as well, this only adds to the weight you have to hold on your shoulders.
Do you have a lazy spouse? He should take care of himself enough to look attractive to you. If he doesn’t respect himself enough to take care of his appearance, it will be hard for you to respect him.
Without respect, there can’t be love, so this problem could become a lot bigger than it seems right now.
It’s best to be honest with him and let him know how you feel. Suggest that you both start caring for your bodies more and maybe even join a gym.
Go shopping for new clothes together and pick a perfume you like.
It’s not that hard to look better, but your husband has to be willing to put effort into it. Regular exercise is not important just for his looks but for his health as well.
This is a sensitive issue though, so try to be gentle with your man and help him in ways that won’t offend him.
11. He’s a narcissist and makes himself priority
You can end up with a narcissistic person and not even realize it until you’re already too involved or even married. Maybe your man was always a bit self-absorbed and vain, but it wasn’t that bad before.
Back then, you didn’t mind compromising your needs and wants for him.
You just wanted to avoid unnecessary disagreements over trivial things. Having a calm, happy relationship was more important, but now you see you’ve made a mistake.
Things aren’t the way they were and you’ve realized that you aren’t okay with your husband being the only priority all the time. Now you notice his narcissistic traits more than ever and are afraid that he won’t ever change.
Unfortunately, this is one of the problems that might be unsolvable. If your husband is a narcissist, you’re married to a person who’s spent his whole life manipulating others to get what he wants.
Ask yourself whether he is really suffering from narcissistic personality disorder. You know this man best, so you must have noticed something in his behavior even when you first started dating.
Is he willing to change? This is also the question only you know the answer to.
If he’s not willing to work on himself, you might not have any other choice than to give up on him. Maybe you’re even a victim of emotional abuse. If that’s the case, you should definitely not tolerate it anymore.
Don’t stay with a man who is only going to manipulate you and think of himself the entire time. If he can’t make you a priority for a change, there’s someone else out there who will.
12. We don’t respect each other
You don’t respect your husband anymore and your fights have turned into a game of who gives up first. You’ve seen all of his bad sides and you can’t get yourself to see him the same way you did before you married him.
Maybe your husband doesn’t respect you either and you both show this disrespect in small ways every day. You don’t believe in each other’s dreams and you belittle each other in front of others.
You’ve been disrespecting each other for years now and it seems impossible to get out of this toxic habit. It even made you think that you hate each other, which isn’t impossible since you need respect in order to truly love someone.
You both need to ask yourselves whether you really want to stay together. If you do, you must forgive each other for being far from perfect and for all the little transgressions as well.
Keep in mind that you’re both human and both imperfect in your own ways. Your husband has insecurities, anxieties, and fears just like everyone else does – including you.
Just like you, he’s also changed with time, and you need to learn to respect and love the new version of your man. Maybe he has to deal with problems he didn’t have to worry about before, so try to understand him.
When he sees your effort to save your marriage, he’ll put effort into it too. If you’re going to make it work, you’ll have to learn to respect each other again.
13. He did something I can’t forgive him for
Maybe your husband did something in the past and you can’t forgive him for it. You were sure that things would be okay after some time, but you still feel like you hate him.
Time didn’t heal your wounds or repair your relationship, and you just can’t get yourself to forgive your man. By now, you figured you’d have somehow gotten over it, but it’s only snowballed.
You can’t seem to wipe his slate clean, although you definitely should try to. Some wounds need more time to heal and sometimes they can’t heal when you expect them to.
If you can’t forgive your husband, it’s very likely that he didn’t give you the apology you needed.
You should try opening up to him and telling him that you’re still finding it hard to forgive him.
If he wants to save your marriage, he will do all it takes to get you back on track. Let him know if you don’t think that you got the apology you deserve.
If talking about it doesn’t help, you might want to give yourself more time to heal. Don’t be afraid to seek help and try couples therapy if you think that it could help your marriage.
Maybe you even feel like your hubby hates you… But there are ways to fix your marriage and go back to the way things were.