I wanted you to stay, so bad. I wanted you to the point where I let go of anything that reminded me of life before you.
You thrived on the fact that I clung to your every word, looking at you for validation and approval and I never saw a problem with that.
You smiled at me and told me that I belonged to you.
You claimed my body, mind, and soul, leaving nothing of me to protect myself because every part of my being was under your mercy.
It took the first time of you leaving me to fight for myself for me to realize just how much power you had over me. A privilege I gave you so easily.
Right now, I have to tell you that I have reclaimed my power.
The first time my heart broke still lives rent-free in my thoughts.
You watched me beg you to stay by my side, but the next scene I saw was your back while you were leaving.
You left and came back whenever you felt like it, making me believe that I deserved that torture because I wasn’t good enough for you.
You took everything I was with you every single time and I was a wreck until you decided to come back to me.
An emotional roller coaster, that’s what that entire thing was. I can’t even call it a relationship anymore.
You said that I wasn’t worth your trouble after making me believe that you were the only good thing in my life.
So you must imagine how I felt as my posture faltered in front of your hard gaze when I told you I couldn’t do this anymore.
Before then, oh how my heart was breaking and my eyes hurt from crying when you once more appeared in my life, trying to convince me that I needed you.
I knew the protocol by then. I knew how things would go from that moment onward.
You would apologize for the hundredth time, tell me that you missed me, tell me that I didn’t have to cry anymore because you were mine once more.
I should have been happy, like all those times before when you came to my ‘rescue’, as you called it. But I was miserable.
You know what? At that moment, I looked at you and realized that I am worthy of so much more. I didn’t deserve to be treated with blatant disrespect.
I didn’t deserve to be treated like I didn’t have value without you.
You made me forget that I have an entire personality and life of my own.
Imagine the overwhelming feeling when this revelation hit me.
Devoid of all emotion toward you and overwhelmed with the sadness I felt because I let that happen, my heart broke for myself.
I cried and screamed at you. For the first time, it wasn’t you leaving, but me pushing you out of my life for good.
You do not deserve me anyway!
You didn’t and will never deserve my love, my time, or my effort. You will never deserve all that attention I gave you so unconditionally.
I was defined by you. I was an extension of you. Never my own person without you.
If I told you that it took me a short time to reclaim myself, I would be lying. It took a long time, but it was so freaking worth it.
The damsel in distress you once knew is gone. Never to be seen again.
I am too good for anyone who thinks that I am replaceable, for anyone who thinks that I am not worthy of love or respect.
Never again will I betray myself like that.
After begging you to love me, this is my way of saying that I don’t need to be loved by you, ever.
My skin tingles as I write this, goosebumps erupting, whenever I think about how much I love myself.
I can’t believe that there was I time when I loved you more than myself.
I must tell you that I’m impressed by the fact of how easily you manipulated me into believing that you were everything I needed in life.
Pushing all my friends and family away, pushing all my dreams and ambitions away, just to accommodate your wants and needs.
Was I really that easy to turn into a shell of a human being?
Was it really that easy for you to make me believe that there was nothing worthy of my time, except crying over you?
You did so well.
You taught me so much about how people can be evil, even with the most dazzling smile. Even with the softest lips.
Even with the most gentle touch.
When you looked at me, I liked to believe that I was everything you saw and that the world would fall silent for you, as it did for me.
It might sound crazy, but I hope you’re doing well.
This amount of hurt can only be felt by someone who’s so broken inside that they don’t know anything other than to make everyone around them miserable.
You must be breaking on the inside. You must be falling apart yourself if this is how you make someone who genuinely cared about you feel.
That was all nothing more than a lesson to me and I am now able to see that. Look at me now; I am stronger than I ever was before.
You will never be able to hurt me again, I can promise you this much.
Because the people in my life who never gave up on me are the same people who made me realize what true love actually looks like.
I love them for that. I love them for making me love myself. You were never able to do that.
Just a friendly reminder; love should be empowering and unconditional from both sides.
Don’t come looking for me ever again.
You won’t find that little girl anymore.
The little girl who you used to know has grown into a woman who is so in love with herself that she knows that she deserves more than you will ever be able to offer.
After all that heartbreak you caused, after all the tears I shed for you, this is me admitting to something I was always too afraid to let roll over my tongue before:
I am too good for you.
I am worthy of love, affection, and commitment.
Finally, after all this time… I know that you never deserved me anyway!
Leave a comment