Sometimes, things don’t work out the way you expect them to.
A beautiful love story turns into a toxic relationship and no matter how hard you try, it seems impossible to let go.
I know that it’s true because I’ve been there.
I’ve found myself in a relationship that wasn’t longer making me happy, but I had no idea how to break out of it.
“I still love him” – I repeated those words and turned them into excuses. It’s like they were supposed to save me from all of the pain that I was going through.
Love is amazing, but once it turns into toxic behavior that keeps tearing you apart, it becomes the most painful thing in the world.
Love turned me into a blind person who acted ignorant of everything that was happening right in front of her eyes.
I felt the pain deep inside my body, but I couldn’t take a step back and run away from it. It felt like I was glued to the one spot and I couldn’t move away from there, no matter how hard I tried.
Your love turned into emotional abuse. Over and over, you made me feel like I wasn’t good enough and I listened to your words, thinking you were right.
Some days, there were times when I felt that you were wrong and that was when I begged you to change.
I asked you to be the person from the beginning of our relationship when everything felt right.
Over and over again, I prayed that you would finally realize how you were making me feel and do something about it.
But the next day, I would wake up and feel that you were right and everything I was saying was wrong.
You had so much control over me. To this day I still have no idea how you managed to do that.
It’s like you were holding me in a cage, occasionally opening the doors so I could get the feeling that I was free.
But I was never free. Actually, I was stuck without even being aware of it.
At one point, I realized that things had become too toxic. I wanted to let go but had no idea how.
How do you even let go of someone you love? That was my biggest excuse.
I blamed myself for wanting to leave you while my heart was still in love with you. I punished myself for even thinking about it.
That’s why I decided to stay while hoping that one day you would change and things would again be the way they were at the beginning.
But at that point, God looked at me and decided that He wasn’t going to let me suffer anymore.
I’ve been through enough and it was time to feel free again.
They say that sometimes good things fall apart so better things can come together. But the thing is that our relationship was never good.
I just made it look good in my head so I would have an excuse for staying with you.
God realized how much I was suffering and decided that it was enough. It was time to put an end to this relationship and turn me into a happy person again.
So, one day I woke up and you were gone. You left me a message that you weren’t coming back and I never heard from you since.
At first, I was devastated and blamed myself for losing you. I thought that it was my fault.
It took me some time to realize that you walking away from me was actually a blessing in disguise – it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
But of course, nothing comes overnight and my realization was no exception. I went through a period of grief in order to finally achieve peace in my heart.
It might’ve taken a while, but when I realized that God saved me by pushing you away, I was more than grateful.
Day by day, I felt better about myself, and finally, the truth unraveled in front of my eyes.
Reality seemed different from how I used to see it.
When God sent you away from me, I realized you were a bad choice from the start. You seduced me with your sweet words and I fell for them.
After that, you stopped trying. But I was already in love with you so I couldn’t let go.
My heart got used to all the pain and all of your words and actions that slowly tore it to pieces.
But no matter what, I didn’t feel ready to leave so I decided to stay.
Over and over again, I tried to tie the string of love that connected our hearts, but you kept cutting it off.
Over and over again, I gave my best to save us while you only wanted to destroy me.
I’m aware of that now, but it took me some time to get here.
If God didn’t decide to intertwine between us, I’d still be stuck in a toxic relationship and you’d still be able to play with me like I was made out of clay.
And even though I felt sad at the beginning, I now realize that it was the right thing.
You walking away from me was the only option that could ever save me.
And God knew that.
God knew that my strength was waning and I was losing my energy to fight. God knows that love isn’t about constant struggle and pain.
Instead, it’s about respect and acceptance, and we never had any of those.
The only thing we had was my idea that one day you would change and your idea that you could keep shaping me as long as you wanted.
You were too toxic for me but I was afraid to admit that. I kept convincing myself that love should be about overcoming struggles.
But the problem was that we weren’t overcoming it.
We were living a life full of struggles, and we knew that things would never change.
God knew that I couldn’t walk away from the relationship, so He made the relationship walk away from me. And honestly, I’m forever grateful for that.