I Can’t Let Go If You’re Still Holding On

I don’t know how many more times I have to tell you this, but I am over you.

The fights, the lies, the toxicity are too much for me to handle and I am really trying to move on. So why aren’t you too?

Why aren’t you letting me live my life to the fullest? Why don’t you listen when I tell you to stop holding on to something that doesn’t exist anymore?

My respect for you is long gone. I am just trying to find a way to show you that so that you can leave me alone.

When I fell for you, it was so silly. Falling in love. Falling. Like I should have known that things would have taken a turn for the worse.

I can’t move on if you’re still going to keep reminding me of the past that we shared together.

Back then, I thought that I would love you forever.

I actually thought that the love you felt for me was real and not a manipulation tactic your wicked brain thought out.

You would show up at my door, with the brightest smile, asking to come in.

I didn’t know at the time, but the first time I let you into my apartment was the first time I let you into my heart.

I let you see all the unpleasant details of myself that I try to keep hidden. You saw me completely exposed and I didn’t mind it.

There was a moment when I thought that was how it was supposed to be. Me in your arms, our hands intertwined as we went through life together.

However, you decided that you didn’t want a happy ending for us. You decided that love wasn’t worth the effort. Or was I not worth the effort?

Then, you seemed like the perfect man. Loving, caring, and always on his toes, ready to please.

At least that’s what I thought when I looked at our relationship through my rose-colored glasses.

I didn’t think that you could do anything wrong.

Until you went out of your way to hold my heart in the palm of your hand and you squished it slowly.

You were breaking my heart so slowly that I thought that I imagined a sting under my ribs.

When you decided that you wanted to be single more than you wanted to commit to me, my heart finally stopped beating for a moment.

In your absence, I thoroughly thought about all those times you called me annoying when I wanted to talk to you.

I wanted to talk to you so badly sometimes, but everything was more important than I was.

You wanted to turn me into a nice little puppet, ready to be there whenever you needed me but to never expect anything in return.

I never knew the impact you had on me until you left.

You said that a relationship wasn’t something you wanted right there and then. You didn’t want to be tied down.

I believed that I could change you. I actually thought that if you fell in love with me, things would change and you would consider being with me.

It was just an almost. An almost love, an almost relationship.

You didn’t think twice about leaving when things got too real for you. The words you used when you were leaving are still stuck in my head.

Dear, I am not high-maintenance. I am not hard to understand and I do not ask for too much.

So now that I am moving on, why did you come back?

Why did you decide that changing your number and calling me multiple times a day was a good idea?

You came back in the form of missed calls and unanswered text messages. You came back begging for a second chance when you clearly didn’t deserve one.

It’s now that I see, with eyes unclouded by love, that you only wanted to keep your options open. You wanted my affection until someone better came along.

Don’t even try to deny it as I have seen first-hand that it certainly is the truth. At what point did you think that I would take you back?

Even if I want to talk to you, I will try to keep my heart at bay.

I will block your number again and I will block every new profile you create. Your friends can stop asking me if I’m considering forgiving you.

You can stop going to my favorite places, even though you have effectively ruined them for me already.

Stop pretending like this is all normal. Like you are some kind of a necessity that I need to go back to whenever I am called. You do not own me.

I deserve to move on, so please let me go.

Please stop calling me from unknown numbers. Please stop going up to my friends and asking them about me.

You are scaring me and I am crying myself to sleep every night out of fear.

You’re better than that. You wouldn’t hurt me physically but my emotions can’t bear any more of this torture.

I need you to let go of me like you let go of me before.

Stop asking if I will talk to you. Stop asking if I will take you back. The answer will always be NO.

I deserve someone so much better than you are. Stop believing that you are the best thing that happened to mankind.

I can do so much better than you. I can be loved by a man who will know my worth and will not be afraid to commit to me forever.

He won’t leave me when things get ‘too real’, he won’t run away when I tell him that I love him.

He will worship me and be there for me. Unlike you, he won’t play games with my poor wounded heart.

So stop. Please stop.

I can’t let go, I can’t move on, as long as you’re still holding on to the idea that one day I will take you back.

Because I won’t. I know my own worth. I deserve so much better than you’re able to give me.

You didn’t change, and you’re just scaring me. Please, respect my boundaries. Respect my privacy and let me go.

If you cared about me, you wouldn’t hold on.