How to start over in a relationship when you feel like everything is slipping through your fingertips?
Every relationship goes through its ups and downs. There’s a lot that you can do to get things back on track, but when you’re going through so much turmoil, your brain tends to shut down.
The anxiety you’re experiencing is not allowing you to breathe. You’re scared of losing him, but you’re also not sure if you can carry on like this for much longer.
For the first time in a while, you’re afraid of the future. You don’t want to let go of the things you’ve built together but you also don’t know if you can rekindle this flame.
You’re no relationship expert, so you turn to your friends, but they make things sound a little too easy. They aren’t in your position so they can’t know what’s good for you.
Now it’s time to turn to professionals to handle your broken relationship. Good thing for you that we’re here to find a good solution to your problem.
But before we even begin talking about this, you have to remember that you’re doing your best to make things work. Stop blaming yourself. After all, you’re here to find a solution because you don’t want to walk away from him.
Your love is beautiful, so take a deep breath and let’s dive in. If there’s a way to save your relationship, we’ll find it.
How to start over in a relationship
1. Identify the importance of this relationship in your life
You’re thinking about how to start over in a relationship because you place value on your partnership. You see his importance in your life and you feel like no one else can compare.
What you need to do in the first place is to identify the importance of this relationship. This is a crucial first step because you need to know if this is something worth saving.
Sometimes, we’re blinded by love, affection, and sometimes even obsession. This is very dangerous because you could easily fall into a trap that you won’t easily get out of unscathed.
This process could go in two different directions. One confirms that your relationship is worth the effort, but the other reminds you that you could do so much better on your own.
So, start by writing everything down. Write down what it means for you to stay with him, but also be rational.
Don’t let your emotions get in the way here. It’s too easy to completely ignore all the red flags and the toxicity in your relationship just because you want to make it work.
Realize that the bad things won’t just magically disappear if you decide to ignore them.
2. Take a break if needed
Personally, I’m a firm believer that if a relationship needs a break, then it should be over for good. However, I also understand that many couples have found ways to work through everything and come out successful on the other side.
You can take a break if needed when you’re just stagnating in your relationship. If you’re still fighting, not resolving any issues, and/or giving each other the silent treatment.
None of these things will help you get what you need from this man. You’re only going to run around in circles until you’re completely drained.
So, if you want your relationship to work, then it may be good to take some time apart.
You can set a deadline for your time apart. Don’t let things stretch out into oblivion, but also don’t part for just a few days because that won’t be long enough to accomplish anything.
If you want to make your relationship work then you should allow yourselves enough time to figure everything out and find the perfect balance that will help you both.
3. Find a professional to work with you
One of the best ways to start over in a relationship when you don’t know where to begin is couples counseling.
The other day, I heard someone say that if you’ve gotten to the point where counseling is your only option, then you’re already too late. That’s because a healthy relationship has to have a good foundation that the two people can work on.
This is exactly why you should see a counselor at the beginning of your relationship so you can work through old patterns that made your past relationships miserable. There could be some issues that you haven’t even thought of before.
Working with a professional is not only very beneficial for the future of your relationship, but it could also open your eyes. Your significant other could see that it’s not too hard to start afresh and work on the little things in the relationship.
When you get the chance to talk to someone ready to fight for the two of you, you’ll also feel motivated enough to go for it with everything you’ve got. You need to spend a lot of time working on this, so you don’t lose each other.
That’s why couples therapy is such an excellent tool.
4. Don’t play the blame game
It’s so easy to blame each other for everything instead of seeing where you could’ve gone wrong. There are so many things that you may be putting on him when it’s in fact your fault.
There are so many different ways that you blame your partner without even being aware of it. Just by telling him that his trauma doesn’t explain his behavior means that you’re blaming him for something that he can’t even control.
His previous relationships and past experiences definitely will shape him as a person. He can’t simply push the reset button and just start with a clean slate once he starts a new relationship.
The past hurts. You should know that based on your own life. Old relationships leave many scars that we tend to ignore until it’s a bit too late.
His mental health does explain his behavior, even though it shouldn’t excuse it. In a good relationship, we should all strive to become better versions of ourselves.
That’s why you shouldn’t blame each other for literally everything because you can work through these things. A fresh start is indeed possible, you just have to exercise patience and understand where the other person is coming from.
5. Don’t hold grudges
There are so many things that you can hold against each other in a long-term relationship. That’s probably why both of you are so reluctant to give your relationship a second chance.
But the one thing that’ll help you start over in a relationship is how you deal with grudges.
If you hold on to them and never forgive your partner for the things he did in the past, then it’s impossible to be in a happy relationship. You’ll always remember those things and bring them up whenever you’re fighting with him.
You won’t get far once you start to fight about things that happened a long time ago. You’ll get stuck on one thing and there’s no way for you to forgive him.
I know it sounds cliche, but you need to understand that everyone makes mistakes. You can’t expect your partner to always be perfect – heck, you’re not perfect yourself.
Remember that he’s also forgiven you many things from the past because you put a lot of effort into managing your behavior. He’s also able to change his behavior if you gave him a chance.
There’s no way for your relationship to be successful if you’re not moving on from those things. If you want to be with this man then you have to accept everything that he is.
If you can’t forgive him and let go of the past, then you’re not meant for each other.
6. Pick your battles
Sometimes, it’s not worth it. There are so many arguments that you could avoid if you weren’t always in the mood to pick a fight with your boyfriend.
If you want to know how to start over in a relationship, my best advice for you is to pick your battles. Sometimes, there’s simply no need for drama and you can easily live without it.
For example, you used to fight over the fact that he goes out with his friends every Friday night. You’d throw a temper tantrum like a little toddler because he keeps this tradition going.
Let the poor guy have his fun. Find something else to do and stop trying to make it all about yourself.
Also, if he keeps making a huge problem about the fact that you take a little too long to get ready, then put him in his place. That’s not something that you should fight over when you have a right to take all the time you please to feel good about yourself.
If he has an issue with that, then he can pack his freaking bags and walk out the door. It’s not that hard to understand that your partner has certain needs that can’t be debated!
There’s a good chance that you know other examples where you continue to argue over stupid and insignificant things.
If he crosses your boundaries or you feel like he doesn’t respect you, then you completely have the right to get upset and express your feelings. Those are important things that keep you happy!
But when you’re exhibiting controlling behavior toward the other out of no other reason but insecurities, then you should probably rethink your entire relationship.
7. Don’t talk bad about your partner
We’re all guilty of this. Whenever my partner did something wrong, I’d automatically run to my friends to talk bad about him because I simply needed to vent.
That’s when your friends start to tell you how awful he is and that you should leave him. These comments make you believe that your relationship is unsalvageable and that you should just dump him for good.
What those people don’t understand is that there’s always a second side to every story. Maybe you’re angry at that moment and you didn’t feel like divulging your mistakes in the situation.
Once you start to talk about your boyfriend as if he was the worst human being alive, then day by day, it’ll only get worse. You’ll eventually forget about the good things because the bad things will completely cloud your mind.
You’ll also start to think badly about him when you’re all alone. Your mind will be filled with the thoughts and voices of your friends telling you that you’re making a mistake by forgiving him.
(Disclaimer: Your friends can help you out when you’re in an abusive relationship and you don’t even realize it. It’s amazing to have someone who’s got your back and trying to help you.)
The thing is, many of us just go around and say awful things about our partners. You can’t do that without expecting it to take some kind of toll on your relationship.
8. Create mutual life goals
How can you be with someone when your goals in life don’t align at any point in time? When two people want completely different things then there’s nothing you can do to salvage what’s left of it.
You need to remember that relationships require a lot of work. If you think that everything will align by itself, then you’re wrong.
You have to set mutual goals. Those goals have to make you both happy and they have to create a life that you both can enjoy and where no one has to suffer.
If you keep saying that you want to move away and start a life in a place where no one knows you, while he wants to stay in his hometown, then you have nothing to search for in that relationship. You can’t be happy with someone who’s not on the same wavelength as you are.
When you start to define your mutual goals, you can also see how committed he is to you. You’ll realize if you both want to have kids and start a family one day.
What if he doesn’t want to be in a monogamous relationship? If you don’t know about it beforehand, you’ll totally lose your head when he brings it up to you later down the road.
It’s better to clear these things up right away.
9. Find a way to communicate things properly
People have different ways of communicating things. Some people have trouble expressing their feelings, while others always sound aggressive and angry.
When you’re not able to communicate healthily, then all the work you’re putting into the relationship is for nothing.
How can you start over in a relationship when you don’t even know how to listen to what your partner is saying? So many people tend to just talk and then wait for a gap so that they can talk again.
It’s frustrating when you have to explain things millions of times simply because your partner didn’t listen to you the first time. The same goes for those days when you don’t listen to him.
10. Schedule date nights
When you want to start over in a relationship, you need to act the same way you did when you just started getting to know each other. You need to remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
So, how about you two schedule date nights? Go out with each other at least once a week where you plan something that you can both enjoy.
There are so many ways to enjoy the time you spend together. You can go on a classy dinner date, or even on a bowling date. Whatever it is that you like to do, it could save your relationship.
Also, it would be amazing if you had a no-phone policy during your dates. Completely focus on each other and talk about anything and everything.
11. Learn about each other’s love language
When you start to think about how to start over in a relationship, things can seem confusing. You both think that you’re doing everything right when in actuality, you don’t understand each other’s love language.
You can always test this theory out by educating yourself on this topic.
If your love language is deeds of service and you expect your partner to help you out around the house, when he doesn’t do that, you feel betrayed. In actuality, his love language is words of affirmation and as long as he keeps telling you that he loves you, he feels like he’s doing everything in his power.
If you don’t understand the love language of your partner, it can cause huge problems. To make you feel loved and cared for, he has to put in a lot more effort, but you also have to reassure him that he’s the love of your life with your words.
12. Take steps towards bettering yourselves
What are some things that you can do to become a better version of yourself? There’s probably a lot that you can do to become a better partner to him and an even better human being.
You can start by reading helpful books, going to therapy, taking care of your physical, and mental health. If you don’t try your best then there’s no point in asking for more from him.
He can’t be expected to work on himself if you believe that you don’t have a single flaw. You’re not perfect – you can always find something you can improve upon.
Once you start to work on yourself, you can also expect him to see things from a whole new perspective. You’ll motivate him enough to continue his journey to becoming a better boyfriend to you.
13. Make clear promises to yourself
This time around, we’re not letting a man walk all over us, understood?
If you want to know how to start over in a relationship, you also have to understand that you can’t accept the same treatment you did before. That’s why it’s so important to make clear promises to yourself.
A lot of people ignore these situations and you shouldn’t be one of them. Because it’s not worth the fuss if you’re only going to go back into the arms of someone who doesn’t want to change.
That’s why it’s so important you promise yourself that you’ll leave if he doesn’t show any type of improvement in his life. If he continues to treat you the same way he did before, then you’re better off without him.
Make a detailed list of all the boundaries that he can’t cross again. If he does, then you’re out of there without a second thought.
14. Balance out the power
There’s a good chance that you’re not on the same wavelength when it comes to the power dynamics in your relationship. You can’t start over in a relationship if your partner is trying to control your entire life.
If that’s the case, you need to balance out the power. You shouldn’t try to go back to someone who doesn’t respect you enough to let you make decisions for your own life.
Once you understand that life isn’t all about being dominant or submissive, then you’ll also know that you have the right to have an equal amount of power in your relationship as your boyfriend does.
If you believe in some male-led relationship stuff, then… good luck to you.
15. If nothing works, ask yourself if it’s really worth it
How to start over in a relationship where nothing even seems to work anymore?
Well, that’s when you ask yourself if it’s even worth it. Your love for him isn’t enough to keep you in a relationship if there’s nothing else that’s holding you together anymore.
You can pretend to be happy for a while, but you’ll soon realize that it’s only making you more miserable by the hour. You’ll do so much better if you’re single and happy than in an awful relationship.
So, if nothing seems to make things better for either of you, then break up. There are worse things in this world than breaking up a relationship.
You’ll be just fine. I can promise you that.