How to heal a relationship after a fight?
All couples have arguments from time to time, and it isn’t a big deal as long as you know how to get your relationship back on track.
Conflict is an inevitable part of every relationship. So, it comes as no surprise that couples are looking for the best way to heal a relationship after a fight.
How do you get things back on track and stop the boat from rocking after a fallout? What’s the right way to reconnect with your partner after you’ve had an argument?
Liked them or not, fights are a actually sign of a healthy relationship. They suggest that the two of you want to solve the issues that have been hanging in the air and take your relationship to the next level.
But you can’t say that you’re in a healthy, stable relationship because you and your partner fight from time to time. You can only say that if both of you know how to overcome the issues and find a way to solve your disagreements.
Overcoming problems and healing a relationship after a fight is what suggests that you and your partner know what you’re doing.
And that’s the difference between a good relationship and one that looks good yet underneath all that pretense lies a ton of unsolved arguments.
It may sound unbelievable, but conflict can make couples feel closer to each other.
Once you know how to heal a relationship after a fight, you’ll experience a better connection with your partner.
You had an issue, ended up fighting, and now that you’d solved it there are no negative emotions flying around.
You were able to rebuild trust and fix all those pieces that needed fixing.
And that’s what suggests that you’re in a healthy relationship – when the feelings of each partner are considered and appreciated.
What to do to heal a relationship after a fight?
Maybe you’re reading this because you want to be able to leave the war-zone without getting your or your partner’s feelings hurt.
Maybe you’ve just had a terrible fight and you’re looking for ways to deal with it.
You want to know what you’re supposed to do the next time you find yourself in the same situation.
What’s the right way to heal a relationship after a fight and to re-establish the previous connection you had with your partner?
It’s clear that you care about your relationship because you’re willing to look for a way to help you minimize the damage that a fight can cause.
After all, many relationships end just because of silly fights. But if you know the right way to get things back on track, no issue will seem unsolvable.
Here are the best ways that can help you heal a relationship after a fight with your partner.
Plus, stick around for a list of things you should never do for the sake of relationship wellness.
1. Take a break
Attempting to resolve things while both of you are emotionally charged can cause even more damage.
If you’re still heated after an argument and trying to solve an issue right away, it can be disastrous.
That’s why both of you need some room to breathe and some time to cool off. You need to return to an emotionally neutral state as soon as you can.
There are a number of things you could do to achieve this – go for a walk, focus on a hobby that makes you happy, do some yoga or any other exercise that you enjoy.
If this feels like too much effort, you could at least step away in a different room, grab a glass of water and take a couple of deep breaths.
This way, both you and your partner will have space for yourselves and some time to clear your minds.
Sometimes, it’s better to let a time do its work and reduce the tension than try to solve an argument immediately after a fight.
Believe it or not, there are some couples who have an already-made plan on how to deal with arguments.
They have an agreement that allows them to leave a situation when things get heated.
Do you feel like things have gotten way out of your control? Leave and come back when you feel ready to talk about it more.
Another way to solve an argument is to set up an exact time when the two of you will meet up for a conversation.
It may be a few hours after a fight when you know that you’ll be able to think clearly and have a serious talk.
This way, you avoid starting a conversation with your head on fire, angry because of all of the things that were said during the argument.
This intentional timeout (taken during or immediately after a fight) can be an excellent way to heal a relationship after a fight.
You hit the pause button, give yourself enough time to process everything that just happened, and then you have a conversation cool-headed.
This way, both of you will be ready to go over the issues objectively, without pointing fingers at each other.
2. Offer an apology after a fight
Fighting and the anger that you feel in that moment can make you do things you’re not proud of.
Name-calling, slamming doors, giving your partner the cold shoulder, and completely ignoring his words are some of the many things the heat of the moment makes us do.
So, a good way to heal a relationship after a fight is to start with a simple apology.
A relationship is a two-way street. This means that both you and your partner are involved in it.
In the same way, both of you are responsible for not only all of the good things that come with the relationship, but the disagreements too.
So, if you’re thinking that there’s nothing you should be apologizing for, then you’re wrong.
There must be something that you did during the fight that you aren’t proud of.
Maybe you said something hurtful or used words that you shouldn’t have.
Whatever it was, an apology won’t hurt anyone. And just because you’ll be the first to apologize, it doesn’t mean that you’ve taken sole responsibility for the problem.
“I’m sorry that I overreacted and said words I shouldn’t have. My intention wasn’t to hurt you.”
Begin with something like this and be the one to initiate the makeup part.
Apologizing is merely acknowledging that both of you have gotten hurt, but you still love each other and want to heal the relationship.
Apologies come in all shapes and sizes.
If you aren’t that good with words, you can always approach your partner and offer him a hug or give him his favorite candy.
The point is to let him see that you’re willing to cooperate.
And remember, this time you’ll be the one to apologize first, so the next time he might follow your lead and be the first one to approach after an argument.
So, it’s not about who takes the first step. It’s more about who’s willing to heal the relationship after a fight.
Because you can’t stand the silence between you and your partner.
3. Listen to your partner’s side of the story
When it comes to healing a relationship after a fight, it’s unacceptable for one person to lead the whole process of making up.
You know how the fight made you feel. You’re aware of your emotions and your own thoughts.
But it’s time to find out how your partner feels and listen to the things he has to say. If you don’t do that, you’ll never get to the bottom of the problem.
And don’t just pretend that you’re listening, waiting for him to finish so you can start talking.
Instead, be an active listener, understand the words coming out of his mouth.
Show that you’re paying attention by using reflective listening and repeat what your partner says by using validating statements:
“It sounds like I hurt you when I interrupted you,” or “I’m sorry it made you feel that way.”
Let him feel that his words are understood. Let him see that you acknowledge what he’s saying and understand where he’s coming from.
I know that it can be hard to hear about your role in the fight, but don’t get defensive.
It’s normal that your instinctive reaction is to protect yourself, but sometimes you need to be more open and focus on listening.
Hear your partner out. Understand what you did wrong, and admit that you’ve made a mistake.
This way, you know what you can change about yourself and your behavior, and what pains your partner the most and how to avoid that.
If you want to know how to heal a relationship after a fight, you also need to know what to avoid in future arguments.
Trust me, you’ll end up with issues many more times. But if you know what to do, it’ll be easier to solve future disagreements.
4. Express your feelings without pointing fingers
Once you’ve listened to what your partner has to say, it’s time for him to listen to you.
Now, he’ll be the active listener, and you’ll be the one to explain how a certain issue made you feel.
But while you’re doing this, don’t get yourself in fight mode.
Instead, learn how to express your feelings without pointing fingers and playing the blame game.
Let me give you a case scenario to explain what I mean.
Let’s say that you had a stressful week at work and once you arrived home, your house was a mess.
Even though your partner was home the whole day, he did none of the chores.
At that moment, it all hits you, and all those suppressed emotions come to the surface and you start a fight.
But when you’re trying to heal a relationship after fights like these, don’t resort to explaining yourself and your feelings by blaming the other person.
Don’t start your sentences with “you always” because that has nothing to do with how you’re feeling.
“You never bother to do anything around the house” doesn’t tell your partner how you’re feeling.
Instead, it puts a blame on him, which then makes him feel attacked.
But if you start a sentence with “I”, he’ll get an idea of why you reacted the way you did.
“I was under so much stress at work and then I came home and saw all that mess so I snapped.
I was wondering if you could help clean up around the house when you’re off work?”
This sounds less aggressive and gives your partner an idea of how you felt.
Instead of saying, “You spend too much money,” you can say, “I hope we can save some money.”
The latter doesn’t imply blame like the first statement, but it still gets the message across.
5. Identify the underlying issue
Another good step to heal a relationship after a fight is to get a clear idea of what the cause of the problem was. What got you so heated?
Even though many people don’t see it this way, relationship problems are usually a result of suppressed feelings and bottled-up emotions.
If you see that your house is a mess, is that really the problem that made you flip your lid, or is there something else going on?
Are you truly mad that he didn’t wash the dishes that were in the sink or is it more that you get the feeling that you’re expected to do all of the housework?
Or maybe it goes even deeper – back to your childhood and the relationship your parents used to have.
Maybe your partner’s behavior reminds you of the relationship dynamic that your parents had.
And maybe you made a promise to yourself that you would never be in a relationship like that.
So, now that you feel like you’re in the same boat, you get angry at yourself and want to make a change.
That’s why solving the underlying issue is crucial as it prevents the same fight from happening again and again.
Believe it or not, your mental health depends on how you feel in a relationship.
It depends on the way you and your partner are able to solve all of the issues that life throws at you.
So, make sure to get to the bottom of each and every one. It’s as good for your relationship as it is for your well-being.
6. Work together on finding a solution
Once both of you have expressed your concerns and had enough time to think about the situation, it’s time to start working together to find a solution that works.
When you get a better idea of the underlying issue of your fights, you’ll be able to work on it. Step by step, you can move toward a solution.
It’s obvious that nothing can be solved overnight because everything takes time.
But once you know that you have your partner’s support, you’ll be able to do it all together.
Maybe you’ve noticed that your jealousy is the main reason you keep fighting.
You feel scared that your partner might leave you for someone else and then you project those feelings through controlling behavior.
It’s obvious that you won’t be able to solve that all of a sudden.
It’ll take you a lot of time and work to get to a better place, where your body and mind won’t be controlled by jealousy anymore.
But if you and your partner work together on it, the journey will be that much faster and smoother.
You’ll try to work on your controlling behavior while your partner will make sure to do things for you that make you feel more secure in your relationship.
Working together as a team, you’ll be able to tackle every single obstacle that comes your way.
You’ll always be able to heal your relationship after a fight and get it back on track.
7. Consider couples therapy
If you have made every possible effort out there and still can’t find a solution, then a couples therapist might be the exact thing you need right now.
Sometimes it’s hard to get both of you on the same page.
You keep on repeating the same mistakes, arguing about the same problems, or even fighting more about new issues.
Couples counseling will help you understand each other better and equip you with methods to solve problems.
Don’t forget that it’s perfectly normal for couples to fight from time to time.
But it’s crucial to recognize unhealthy and damaging patterns and seek professional help when needed.
If you truly want to know how to heal a relationship after a fight, then sometimes you have to admit that you can’t do that on your own and that you need professional help.
That way, you show a strong will to admit your mistakes for the sake of your relationship.
What NOT to do if you’re trying to heal a relationship after a fight
Now that you know what you’re supposed to do if you want to heal your relationship after having fought with your partner, let’s see what you should avoid at any cost.
Doing any of the following things will get you off track and will make your arguments more complicated than need be.
That’s why it’s important to avoid the following things if you want to be sure you’re not making a situation worse than it is already.
1. Don’t tiptoe around your partner after the fight
When you want to heal a relationship after a fight, the worst thing you can do is keep tiptoeing around your partner after the fight is over.
It’s one thing to think of your partner’s feelings. But it’s completely useless if you keep acting like a person he knows you’re not.
Pretending to be super nice when he knows your real face can only make him angry.
He knows you and he fell for your whole personality – both your good and bad sides.
And when you try to make the bad sides go away by acting like someone you aren’t, it only makes him nervous.
He knows that it’s not your real face and that you’re only pretending because of the fight you just had.
Also, hiding your feelings only makes the matter worse. And that’s exactly what you’re doing when you’re acting all nice and like everything is fine.
Sooner or later, that behavior will backfire you and you’ll realize you’ve made a huge mistake.
2. Don’t involve a third party to help you solve the issue
If you ever feel the urge to involve someone in your fight thinking that a third party will help you solve an issue, I need to tell you that you’re deeply wrong.
Every time you look for help outside your relationship, your partner will feel attacked.
No matter what you say, the third person will never be completely objective in solving the issue.
They will always pin the blame on your partner, especially if you enlist the help of one of your friends or family members.
Those people will always have your back. So, even when you ask them to tell their honest opinion, they’ll instinctively choose to protect you.
And the same goes for if your partner asks someone to help you solve the disagreement.
That person will pick his side because that’s the way things go.
We all stand up for the people we love.
So, next time you think of calling your best friend to help you solve one of your relationship issues, think twice.
Do you really want to make your partner feel attacked? Do you want him to feel that the trust between the two of you is broken?
With exception of a couples’ therapist, only the two of you should work on your personal issues.
Every other way of healing a relationship after a fight is wrong and brings you more damage than help.
3. Don’t overreact
Fights often come with a lot of angry emotions and negative energy. That’s why it’s easy to overreact and say things you didn’t intend on saying.
“I’m done with us,” “We’re over,” or “There’s nothing to talk about” should never be said in the middle of the fight if you truly don’t mean them.
When your partner hears those words, he’ll lose his temper even more. He’ll see you as an overreacting queen who says things only to get attention.
And usually, we say things like that only when we want to feel more powerful.
It feels like you have more control when you’re the one who allegedly has any intention of breaking up.
But most of the time, we say those words out of anger, and not because we truly believe that the relationship is over. And that’s what your partner hates most.
So, if you want to know how to heal a relationship successfully and minimize time spent fighting, steer clear of words that bring nothing good to the table.
They only make the situation tenser, and are clear proof that you simply want the upper hand.
If you were truly done with your partner, you wouldn’t bother fighting with him. Instead, you’d simply walk out.
Making threats can only make him wish to actually end his relationship with you. If anything, it pushes him away.
4. Don’t mention the fight after you’ve solved the issue
Once the fight is over and you’ve forgiven each other, there’s no going back.
If you want to heal a relationship after a fight, you should never mention it again.
Don’t use the first opportunity that comes up to remind him of the mistakes that he made in the past.
If you’ve forgiven him, there’s no point in reliving the argument once again.
Bringing old problems into the present only makes you fight about irrelevant things.
For example, something silly comes up and you know that it isn’t a reason good enough to fight about it, so you make a connection with an incident from the past.
By doing this, you’ll keep arguing about things that aren’t worth fighting over, and you’ll keep repeating those issues that were so-to-say solved.
Often, that causes your partner to retreat into himself because he’ll get the feeling that, whatever he says, you find a way to fight about it.
And that’s not what you want.
So, stop yourself the next time you think of mentioning an old issue in the present.
Have you been over it before and marked it as argument solved?
Do you think that it’s worth fighting again over something that happened months or even years ago?
And lastly, do you really want to keep fighting about every little thing?
If you keep doing this, your relationship will end up nothing more than a battlefield with always something to fight about.
And no one wants to live like that!
What are the main reasons couples fight in a relationship?
Behind every fight, there’s an underlying issue that needs to be solved.
If you don’t find a way to get through it, you’ll be working on healing your relationship after a fight over and over again.
For the sake of your and your partner’s happiness, you should get to the bottom of why you as a couple keep fighting.
There must be something that’s preventing you from achieving happiness and living a peaceful life.
Here are the main reasons why couples usually fight.
Maybe you’ll get a better picture of why you and your boyfriend spend most days arguing with each other.
And once you know what the reason is, it’ll be easier to look for the right solution.
1. You spend too little time together
When one or both of you are too busy, it can be hard to find time for the two of you only.
And we all know that spending time together is a crucial part of every relationship.
If you want to make it work, you need to find a way to make it easier for you to plan date nights or random daily activities that include both of you.
In this case, administrative planning can be the way to go. Take a calendar and book your dates in advance.
This way, you’ll be able to find time for your partner, which is highly needed when your fights usually revolve around the one issue: We spend too little time together.
Having regular dates will give you a chance to reconnect with your partner and make the bond between the two of you stronger.
After that, you won’t need to think of ways to heal a relationship after a fight because once you start working on the issues, your disagreements will slowly start reducing.
2. You spend too much time together
Spending too much time together can also be an underlying issue behind all the fights – there’s just no room for individual growth.
When you’re constantly around each other, you feel a lack of your own space.
You feel the need to spend more time alone, which can then make you fight with your partner even more.
You get upset that you haven’t done anything for yourself in a long time. Then you release all those frustrations onto your partner.
So, if you want to find a way to heal this feeling and limit the number of fights in your relationship, be sure to set some time aside for soul-searching and suggest to your partner that he does the same
Try meditating, walking in the park, and hanging out with friends. Visit some cool places or maybe a gallery or theater – whatever you enjoy.
Take yourself out on a date and do it every week. Those two or three hours are yours only so that you can do whatever makes you feel happy.
3. You don’t like his parents
Believe it or not, the two of you could be fighting because you don’t like his parents (or vice versa).
Maybe you had a bad feeling about them from the first time you met them, and now you simply can’t get those thoughts out of your head.
And when the negativity overtakes your mind, you end up in a fight with your partner.
It can be that his parents don’t feel like you’re a perfect match for their son. But it can also be that it’s all in your head.
So, the first thing you need to ask yourself is if his folks are really as bad as you make them out to be.
Is there a point to keep fighting with your partner only because you hold grudges against his parents?
If you keep doing this, chances are that there isn’t anything that could help you heal a relationship after a fight.
Maybe his mother isn’t the perfect cook or a great conversation starter, but those are just details.
You need to look past them and focus on the fact that she raised your partner.
As long as they aren’t treating you with disrespect, there’s no need for you to hate on his parents and make them the cause of your arguments.
However, if his parents openly told you that they don’t like you, then know that you don’t have to take that.
Your partner needs to know about it and stand up for you when his family isn’t kind to you.
4. You’re insecure about your future together
It may be that you and your partner are constantly fighting because you’re afraid of what the future holds.
Maybe you feel insecure because you have different plans for the future.
But you need to know one thing. Just because you want different things in life doesn’t mean that you have no future together.
As long as you’re willing to make the effort, both of you can get your wishes fulfilled.
Neither one of you has to sacrifice your dreams – you can navigate them together.
There are surely ways that you can make changes so that both of you are happy.
But if you keep fighting about it the whole time, at one point, it’ll become impossible to heal your relationship.
You’ll get to the point where your partner no longer wants you around because things are too complicated.
The toxicity of constant fighting pushes those we care about away from us. So, stop thinking too much ahead of time and focus on the now.
Maybe somewhere down the line, your or your partner’s dreams will change and they’ll match up perfectly.
Replace overthinking with enjoying, and half of your problems will be gone.
5. You find it hard to understand where he’s coming from
When it comes to this problem, there’s no simple solution.
You just need to patiently sit down with your partner until he opens up.
It can be difficult and time-consuming, but don’t lose patience because you need to work through this together.
Even if you can’t give him great advice, you can still be his shoulder to lean on. You can be his support and try to understand him, step by step.
It won’t be easy, but it’ll be worth it. Once you wake up and realize that you finally get your partner, you’ll feel proud of both of you for how far you’ve come.
“Talk to me” and “I’m here for you” means a lot when you’re trying to understand your partner’s feelings.
And it goes a long way in stopping the fights and healing your relationship.
6. You feel like you aren’t getting enough attention from him
Do you have trouble communicating about what’s important when it comes to giving and receiving?
You know what you want, but you simply don’t know how to express your wishes to your partner.
This may be one of the reasons why your relationship keeps going through a constant fighting-healing cycle.
It’s so important to learn to communicate your feelings properly. Your boyfriend can’t read your mind or always know what you expect of him.
But once you say those words out loud, he’ll be able to come to the table and make you happier in a relationship.
If you think that you can’t achieve that on your own, then it’s a good thing to look for a couple’s counselor.
That way, both of you will get a better picture of what you want from each other.
And one more thing. Don’t hesitate to use sentences like, “I need you” and “I love the way you look at me.”
Let him understand you and know what you need from him in the given moment.
If you keep quiet forever, you’ll never feel truly happy in a relationship.
7. You argue over money
Finances are one of the main causes of fights in relationships.
Maybe your partner is earning more or less money than you and it’s bothering you. Maybe he’s spending more than you want him to.
Once reality becomes different than our expectations, we get angry.
And when you’re in a relationship, that anger usually is projected onto your partner.
You start fighting and money becomes an underlying issue for every single argument that you have.
Over time, it all gets exhausting to the point where you feel emotionally drained.
Your partner might even feel resentment toward you, as he starts each day already knowing that the two of you will probably end up fighting.
This won’t change until you sit down together and have an honest talk about the issue.
Let him know what your expectations are and hear him out too.
Look for ways to achieve mutual agreement and where both sides are happy.
If you don’t, you’ll keep fighting and your relationship will inevitably fall apart. And it’s hard to heal something that’s cracked on so many levels.
8. You can’t tolerate his vices
It’s obvious that your partner is a grown man who has control over his own life.
But sometimes, we get annoyed because our partners enjoy things that drive us up the wall.
You know it isn’t your responsibility to change the person you’re with. He’s the kind of man he is, and you fell for him because of it.
But you simply can’t tolerate his vices anymore. It’s driving you crazy and you don’t know what to do about it.
All the constant fighting is caused by this one thing, and you can’t heal your mind from all the negative thoughts.
But you can do one thing: talk to him and tell him how you’re feeling.
Let him know that you don’t want him to change, you simply want both of you to live a better life.
For example, if your partner is a smoker, the agreement could be that he only smokes on the balcony.
That way, you get a room that isn’t smelly and he gets to do what he wants.
Or if he’s ruining his health with the fast-food he’s been eating on a daily basis, explain to him how you’re concerned for his health and offer to go to the gym together.
Maybe he needs your support. When he sees that you care about him, he’ll make an internal decision to change.
It all comes from within. If he feels a need to change, he’ll do so. Until then, it’ll be hard to motivate him.
Also, if it’s something more severe such as drugs, make sure to think about it clearly. Can you really help him or will he end up pulling you down with him?
9. You feel that you always give and he always takes
If you feel that your partner isn’t putting enough effort into your relationship, then it’s clear why you’ve been constantly fighting.
It seems like you’re doing all of the work that should’ve been split between the two of you.
It’s understandably frustrating. After all, relationships are supposed to be about two people solving issues together.
The first thing you should do is talk to your partner about the amount of effort you put in and the amount you expect from him in order for your relationship to work.
Let him know that you feel things aren’t going the way they’re supposed to.
If after that you see that nothing’s changing and his behavior has come to the point where he emotionally neglects you, it’s best to walk away.
You can’t keep fighting for both of you. His effort needs to reflects yours. Once you lose that balance, your relationship has little chance of success.
10. You don’t like his friends / His friends don’t like you
Do you believe his friends are a bad influence? Or maybe you feel like a third wheel whenever they’re around or that they have something against you?
Whatever the case, partners’ choice of friends can have a great influence on the relationship. It can be a source of constant arguments and fighting.
If you harbor any of these feelings, explain them to your partner.
Let him know what’s on your mind, because it may be that you’re seeing things the wrong way.
It’s unfair to expect him to stop seeing his friends, but simply let him know how you’re feeling.
If they’re being disrespectful toward you, let him know that as well.
If that’s the case, he should stand up for you and let them know that they aren’t allowed to treat you badly.
You’re his partner and they should treat you with respect because you don’t deserve anything less.
When it comes to seeing his friends, your partner can hang out with them without you while you can do something else.
You can always agree to spend time with friends separately. So, while he’s with his pals, you hang out with yours.
11. Your life together brings you more pain than happiness
This one is for all those couples who are living together. Do you feel like your life looks nothing like you expected it to?
You imagined moving in with your boyfriend for a long time. Now that your wish has come true, you don’t like it.
Maybe you aren’t used to sharing things with others.
Perhaps you like your privacy, and now that you have another person in your space, it feels like someone’s intruding all the time.
He leaves things around, never washes the dishes after he’s done eating, or talks too loudly in the early morning.
There could be many reasons why life with your boyfriend feels stressful and different than what you expected it to be.
You feel suffocated but have no idea what to do about it. You can’t just move out and pretend that there are no problems.
Instead, tell him what’s bothering you.
If you don’t want all of your fights to revolve around the same underlying issue, you need to express your feelings.
Maybe you’ll realize that you moved in together too quickly, or you’ll look for a solution that works for both of you.
Moving in together is one of those very serious decisions that should have the right motive.
Don’t just live with him because the rent is cheaper that way.
Good luck with healing your relationship after a fight!
I hope that you understand what you can do to make those awful disagreements go away and get back to being a loving, peaceful couple.
Never forget that relationships require work.
It’s not only about finding your perfect match – it’s also about knowing how to keep that person around when life gets in between the two of you.