Depression sucks! When you’re suffering from it, every day feels like a battle – a fight against yourself.
A part of you keeps repeating how you don’t deserve to be happy. It keeps telling you that everyone already hates you and that they wouldn’t even notice if you went missing.
The other part, which is significantly smaller, keeps reminding you that you’re good enough and that you deserve to experience happiness. You deserve to be loved and cherished.
Unfortunately, that first part that hates you more than you can imagine usually takes over and wins.
So how does it feel to be in a relationship with someone when you’re suffering from depression? Is love stronger than the mental illness that’s only goal is to beat you down?
First of all, it’s hard to accept that someone chose to love you. A guy met you and realized that you were everything he was looking for.
When you’re dealing with depression, this isn’t something you’re used to feeling. Honestly, you can’t imagine yourself as good enough for anyone and often, you start to think that he’s only playing with your feelings.
But then you see the way he cares about you. You realize that he’s always there when you need him to comfort you, to be your shoulder to cry on.
He picks you up whenever you’re feeling down and gives you the strength to move on.
Not once has he done something that hurt you. Not once has he taken you for granted or played with your already tortured heart.
As you look at your partner, you realize that he probably loves you more than you can even imagine but the next moment, your depression decides to be the boss of you.
It decides to take control of you and change your mind about all of the things you should believe in.
That’s when you start questioning your partner’s intentions. You start doubting his love as you can’t accept the fact that someone cares about you.
Actually, your depression can’t accept that fact because it doesn’t want to see you happy. The moment it sees you wearing a smile on your face, it immediately becomes all grumpy and gloomy.
It turns your brightest days into ones filled with sadness and pain. It makes you reconsider your choices because it doesn’t want to see you walking through life feeling satisfied.
That’s when you go back to that one familiar corner of your room. You let the sadness overtake you and you stop answering calls from the person who loves you the most.
You ignore his messages and you simply wait for the moment when he’ll break up with you.
Even when he proves to you over and over again that he’s not going anywhere, your depression keeps repeating how everyone will leave you eventually.
Your depression always makes a scene out of nothing because it doesn’t want to allow you to lead a happy life.
Every atom of your body loves this man who always comes to hold you in his arms when you need him the most. You can’t imagine a better person for yourself and you’re grateful for the day when he walked into your life.
But on the bad days, when all of the world’s pain crushes down onto your chest, you keep still and wait for him to leave. You wait for him to abandon you because your depression convinces you that he won’t stay forever.
Then, he brings you your favorite chocolate because he knows that instantly makes you happier. He plays your favorite movie and you watch it together who knows how many times in a row.
He shows you that he’s there for you now and he always will be, no matter what, and you trust him. That one part of you that’s fighting against your depression believes in him because he’s actually a nice guy.
Unfortunately, these moments of happiness usually don’t last long. They pass through like a tornado and what comes after them is never easy to fix.
Up and down, back and forth. That’s how it feels to be in love when you’re suffering from depression.
At some point, you’re thrilled that you finally found a person who makes you happy. The next, you’re crying your eyes out because you’re convinced that he’ll eventually leave you.
One second, you’re grateful for everything he’s been doing for you and you feel an incredible amount of love for him because you know how much it takes to stay with someone who’s suffering from depression.
The next, you feel numb and you don’t even want to talk to him.
You’re sorry for everything you put him through but at the same time, you know that without him, your life would be ten times harder. You need him by your side but your depression keeps pushing him away.
It all starts to resemble a roller coaster that keeps tossing and turning you unexpectedly. And the worst part is that you don’t know how long it’ll be before the ride finally ends.
Before he realizes that he can’t take this torture anymore. Before you realize that you can’t keep fighting against yourself forever.
Being in love when you’re suffering from depression is hard, I can tell you that for certain. And it’ll keep being like that until you finally realize that you’re worthy of love.
You deserve someone who’ll show you the world you never thought you would see. You deserve to feel butterflies in your stomach and the feeling of excitement every time you look into his eyes.
Love doesn’t choose whose heart it will settle in. Love happens and after that, you just have to keep nurturing it and appreciating every moment with it.
Forget about your depression and let it live life on its own. Instead, focus on the person who makes you happy and who has proved to you a million times that he’s not going anywhere.
Everything will be okay. Take it one step at a time and you’ll finally be able to enjoy the love your partner wants to give you.
I promise you…
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