All my life, I’ve been there for others. I’d do my best to keep them around and more often than not, I’d sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of theirs.
All my life, I’ve been scared witless of losing them. But this time, I want someone to be afraid of losing me.
I want the tables to turn so I’m not the one chasing after them. So I’m not the one begging them to stay in my life as if I couldn’t live without them.
Relationships are hard, I get that. You have to fight for love, I get that too.
But I’m not really sure that it’s fair for one person to put in all the effort while her partner does nothing in return. I can’t stand the fact that I always have to give my best in order for a relationship to work.
I gave all I had, I fought like a warrior for every man who walked into my life. Even when I had no more energy left, I always found a way to prolong their stay because I didn’t want to end up without them.
And what did I get in return? The pain of always being the one who sees them walking away? The ache of doubting my own worth since no one ever showed me that they were scared of losing me?
This time, I want things to play out differently. I no longer want to be the one who gives and waits. I don’t want to be that person who always fights in vain.
For once in my life, I want someone to be afraid of losing me. I’d like to find a man who won’t make me feel like I’m dispensable. A man who won’t walk out on me the moment someone better walks into his life.
Instead, I want him to remind me of my worth. I want him to show me that I too deserve love, even though I’ve forgotten how that feels a long time ago.
I’m well aware that I can’t expect him to fight for our relationship all alone. But I can at least get that look in his eye that speaks louder than words:
“I don’t want you to go. I’m so afraid of ever losing you.”
This may seem desperate, but after all the years of running after every guy I met, I finally want to feel special. I want to feel differently from everything I’ve already been through.
I’ve never experienced a man being scared of losing me. They never showed me that they wouldn’t have it easy without me.
Instead, they all walked away without a second thought. They gave up on me like I meant nothing to them even though they saw my heart shattering.
I’ve had enough of that pain, I truly have. I can’t tolerate having them walk them in and out of my life like that any longer.
This time, I want things to go down a different road. I want someone to be so afraid to lose me, they take the best care of me because they can’t imagine a life without me.
You may think that I’m asking for too much. You may call me selfish and arrogant.
But I can live with those words; I know very well that none of them describe me. After taking care of everyone who’s come into my life, I finally want someone to take care of me.
I want to meet a guy who reminds me that he loves me every day of the week. I want his kisses to speak what his words can’t, to tell me that he’s not going anywhere because I mean too much to him.
When you’ve been deprived of true love for such a long time, you crave the tiniest glimmers of gratitude. You crave the appreciation you’ve never felt, since all your life, you’ve been giving it to others.
That’s why I want things to change. I want to witness a completely different scenario.
I’m tired of words of pity that most of my friends keep giving me on a daily basis. They all feel sorry for me that I still haven’t been able to find true love.
I’m sick of it. It needs to stop. I don’t want that to be a normal part of my life.
Instead of wasting my time fighting for guys who aren’t worthy of my love, I want to find a man who’ll hold onto me like his life depended on it. One who’ll take the best care of me because he can’t imagine a life without me in it.
And if that’s too much to ask, then maybe I’m not destined to be loved. Then maybe I don’t deserve to experience what unconditional love feels like.
All I know is I’ve had enough and I need to see a change. I need to be sure that I won’t be chasing after men anymore, begging them to stay with me.
For once in my life, I want to know how it feels to have someone appreciate me for who I am. I want to finally feel the reassurance that my partner won’t leave me without explanation, since I’m everything he’s looking for.
If these things are considered too much, then I’ll admit that I don’t know anything about love. But if they’re not, then I want to experience them.
After all the years of suffering, I believe I finally deserve to feel loved. I deserve to meet someone who’ll be genuinely scared to ever lose me.
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