It goes without saying that it’s hard when you lose someone who was a big part of your life. It takes a lot of courage to move on. Your world has just crumbled down but you know you must pick up the broken pieces. It’s important to let go of the guilty feeling you have when thinking about the first relationship after being widowed.
I know that the worst battle you have to fight is the inner one because you’re always the loser. You just can’t win against the feeling of remorse that’s constantly dragging you down. Your partner would have probably loved for you to continue with your life, even though it seems impossible at first.
Still, there’s this thought as if you’re trying to forget your spouse by doing so when it isn’t the case and you know that. You shouldn’t beat yourself up for wanting to be happy because we all deserve happiness.
It can take you a lot of time to persuade yourself to carry on with searching for love because you’ve only started to resurface from your grief. However, you must know that you’re allowed to go on with your life without feeling guilty.
When are you ready for the first relationship after being widowed?
It seems as if you’ll never be ready to step into the dating world again. This can bring down your spirits and you may want to just cower away in your home.
As understandable as that is, you can’t become one of those ladies with 13 cats! There’s nothing wrong with loving cats, but you need human companionship.
Don’t bother jumping into a relationship just because someone tells you to. You have to make sure you’re truly ready for that next step, and here’s how you’ll know it’s the right time to make that decision.
1. You don’t feel guilty anymore
You can’t blame yourself for wanting a relationship after being widowed, so the first step is to forgive yourself.
I know that guilt is one of the worst feelings you can experience, especially when you did nothing wrong. It’s just how we perceive a situation when our hands are tied and we can’t do anything to make things better.
However, accepting the fact that it’s not your fault is crucial for you to make improvements. Your life can’t come to a stop because something happened that was out of your power to control.
I understand the pain is pulling you down like an anchor and you’re too weak to wiggle out of it. It can be a long and hard process of getting rid of all that guilt when you’re thinking about the first relationship after being widowed.
But once you realize that you need to move on, the regret and concern will be replaced with the feeling of acceptance. Finally, you’ll acknowledge that there are things that need to be done, such as letting go and understanding that you’re just a human being like everyone else.
2. You made peace with yourself
Saying goodbye to your loved one is never easy and is a life-changing circumstance. It affects every part of you and completely changes your course. When something like this happens, we think that we’ll never be the same.
That’s true, but the sooner you make peace with yourself, the sooner you will understand that this life was meant to be for you. Everything happens for a reason, so it’s important for you to find a coping mechanism.
It’s okay to feel grief and anger, but it’s never okay to blame yourself for it. Instead of blocking out the rest of the world, you should go out there because it has a lot of things to offer you.
3. You confessed to yourself you have to move on
When you realize that repentance won’t bring you any good and you decide to let go of it, you come to the terms with the fact that you deserve to be happy again.
It’s important to confess to yourself that you have to move on because you’ve been fighting yourself for a long time. I’ve heard that there’s always a rainbow after the rain, so it may be that happiness is waiting for you behind all those tears you’ve spilled.
Once you admit to yourself that this isn’t where your life should come to a halt, it’ll be easier for you to make headway. You’d think there’s not much hope left after being widowed, but the first relationship that comes around could change your mind.
What to expect of the first relationship after being widowed?
1. It’s okay to be scared
You decided to give this fresh start a go, but you’re too scared. This is understandable and normal because it’s the first one after being widowed.
Loads of questions are swirling around your mind and there are just too many what-ifs. It’s okay to feel frightened, so you should take things nice and slow.
Don’t pressure yourself because it could just make things worse. I know you’ve spent a lot of time with your late partner, so it’s hard adjusting to this new person.
Whatever you do, don’t rush it because wounds take time to heal!
2. Things won’t go as planned
It seems like a mission impossible to get into the first relationship after being widowed. Therefore, don’t make it more difficult for yourself by going in with high expectations. That way, you’re setting the bond you share up for failure.
You may lean on the fact that you’ve already been through this and you tried to plan out how things will go. However, this isn’t the case because it’s a different person we’re talking about.
Let’s be honest – women like to plan a lot of things, but we usually end up disappointed because they don’t always turn out how we’ve hoped.
Be prepared that this brand new partnership won’t meet all of your expectations, but that’s okay. Just don’t let small details discourage you.
3. New things can be frightening
I’m not the person to enjoy changes, especially sudden ones. If you usually have a hard time adjusting to changes, then I suggest you be prepared.
I don’t want to scare you away, but you must know that the first relationship after being widowed isn’t going to be like the one you had.
It’s like you’re entering an unfamiliar world and while it can be frightening, it can also be entertaining. Don’t get me wrong – you’re not forgetting about your past, but just learning to live with it.
What to do in the first relationship after being widowed?
Meeting new people and going out can be hard, let alone choosing the person you’re going to be starting all over with.
However, you don’t want to kick things off in the wrong way. This period is supposed to be something fresh and you don’t want to spoil that. So, here are some tips on what to do in the first relationship after being widowed.
1. Be open
We know that honesty is the best policy, right? When getting involved in another romantic connection, you want to start off fresh and build trust.
If something major happened in your life, like losing your partner, be open about it. The person you’re dating won’t know how you feel unless you tell them.
Communication is the key to a successful partnership and it will make things easier for both of you. Don’t try to hide your emotions or your past.
The time gone by is a part of you that you can’t change which doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk about it. Don’t be afraid to tell your boyfriend about it and how you’re doing as it can only make things better.
2. Let go
As we previously mentioned, the past is something that’s a big part of you but you can’t let it undermine your future. This implies that you can’t hold on to it for dear life, and instead, you have to learn to let it go.
If you keep living in it, it won’t only affect you, but your companion as well. This can leave serious consequences on your new life and that’s not what you want.
It’s the first one after being widowed, so this relationship means a lot to you. It’s okay to remember what your past was like, but bringing it up constantly can undermine your partner’s self-confidence.
Trying to compare your boyfriend with your late spouse is never an option. You’ll end up infuriating and even insulting him.
So, don’t try to forget the past and your husband, but rather try to learn to live with it. This won’t only help you on your road to recovery, but it will be a fresh beginning that you’re going to share with your companion.
3. Don’t pressure yourself
Sometimes, we think we have to push harder when in reality, it’s nothing like it. You may be too occupied with your thoughts on constantly worrying about how you’re going to deal with this new relationship.
If you put too much pressure on yourself it can slow down your progress. You’ll find yourself suffocating and you’ll blame it on your bond, when in fact, you’re the one trying too hard.
Take it easy and take your time to flow into this new life. Stop thinking about whether you should marry again or have kids with your partner right off the bat.
Allow for yourself and your new boyfriend to enjoy the time you spend together. If you constantly feel pressured to make the next move, you’ll probably end up taking a few steps back.
I know you want to experience that love as you used to, but give yourself and your partner space before it gets too crowded. Eventually, you will learn to give in and before you know it, love won’t hurt as it used to.
What to expect from your partner?
1. Understanding
Your partner needs to understand what you’ve gone through and how much of a hard task it is. If you openly talk about it, I’m sure you’ll be relieved after spilling all of your emotions.
It can be quite a task in the beginning and you may have a feeling that he doesn’t understand you. However, you shouldn’t walk into a relationship with these prejudices because it will only make things harder.
It’s best if you go into this new romantic connection with a clear mind. That’s why you took all the previous steps of getting over the guilt and moving on.
2. Support
A partnership explained in a very simple manner is support. The two of you are supposed to be there for one another through both good and bad times.
I’m sure your new companion will be supportive of you and your interests, but you have to give back to him. You can’t expect him to divert all of his attention to you and get nothing in return.
It takes two for a relationship to work, so if you’re feeling too weak to back him up at the moment, you should probably reconsider your choice of getting together.
It’s understandable that you find yourself frail because of losing your spouse. However, you shouldn’t put all of the burdens on your boyfriend’s shoulders.
3. Love
I realize why you’re scared to enter a different love life and how it affects you. You’re probably thinking that the first relationship after being widowed won’t even resemble the previous one.
This is true, but it shouldn’t stop you from going after your happiness. We all share this precious connection because we want to love and be loved.
You probably think that there’s no one else who could possibly care for you as your spouse did. Don’t be afraid of accepting new love as it will only help you grow.
The feeling of guilt may reappear once you start noticing those butterflies in your stomach. However, remember to let go and enjoy your current partner and the bond you share.
What not to expect from your partner
You’ll feel amazing after you find a person that can put up with you and all of the burdens you’re carrying. However, this doesn’t mean that all of the weight should fall onto his shoulders.
Be ready to receive understanding and support, but keep in mind that he’s not supposed to be filling anyone’s shoes. Here’s what not to expect from your new boyfriend.
1. He’s not your personal therapist
After being widowed, you may have some trouble with the first relationship. You’ve gone through such a hard time, but that person doesn’t know how you feel.
They can guess and you can try to explain it to them, but if they’ve never experienced it firsthand, this may be quite challenging for both of you.
You don’t know how to deal with the burst of emotions and he doesn’t know how to help you. But keep in mind that your new partner shouldn’t be your personal therapist.
Although you can talk about it, don’t make him think that it’s his only job. He can get the wrong idea that he’s only there to be your consolation.
2. They’re not the same person
Perhaps you’re confused after spending so much time with your late partner. This man you’re dating now doesn’t look like him and he doesn’t even talk like him.
This may come off as shocking because it’s a big change. Sometimes, you don’t even like his perfume. It’s okay to feel this way, but you shouldn’t attempt to carve this new person to try and resemble your spouse.
It’s not fair to either of you if you see your partner but you keep looking for someone else. Also, it can come off as selfish and he may get the wrong idea.
At times, it may seem like he’s a complete stranger and you may question what you’re doing. Don’t try to avoid this problem, but rather sit down and think thoroughly.
3. He can’t know everything about you
You may catch yourself doing the things you used to do before. That’s okay because certain things become habits and it’s hard to get rid of them.
However, the problem might be if you’re expecting this person to know everything about you from the start. For example, he brought you coffee but didn’t know you like it black and without sugar.
Small things like these can make your heart drop because your spouse used to know all of these little quirks you have. Instead of getting worked up about it, try to understand that you’re starting all over again.
Make out the most of these situations that would otherwise sadden you. This is a great opportunity to share your interests and learn more stuff about one another!
In conclusion
Starting all over again can fall heavy on your chest and honestly, it can be exhausting. However, you can’t let your hopes down because this relationship may just be the first positive thing that’s happened to you after being widowed.
It’s confusing and a whirl of emotions. That’s why you have to make peace with yourself so you would get involved in a new romantic bond with a clear mind.
Your partner may be loving and understanding, but he’s not your spouse. This is okay and you should keep in mind that he is what he’s supposed to be.
If you keep searching for your late partner in your current companion, he may perceive it like you’re comparing them to one another. This really isn’t something that would make him feel appreciated.
Therefore, try to get over the guilt you have for moving on. After that, you’ll be able to enjoy your first relationship after being widowed without any regret.
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