To me, falling out of love always came naturally.
Falling in love made me think of a stuffy little box with all of my favorite things stuffed into it. Falling out of that box is hard and for some reason, it takes much longer. I guess all the things that are holding you back and weighing you down make it exhausting.
That imaginary box that we created during our relationship is full of unkept promises, hugs, and kisses, and all those words that hurt like hell.
It’s not that easy to fall out of a box like that when all you want to do is crawl into the corner of it and hide between some miserable leftovers of the relationship.
Every relationship before you was chaotic to me. I never knew how to love for long, I just perceived it all as a waste of time. It wasn’t until I met you that I understood what people meant by “falling in love.”
It’s like you’re falling down a skyscraper (head-first) and all you can do is close your eyes and hope for the best. You don’t know if someone’s going to catch you at the end, but there’s no going back now.
What you do know is that the wind is making your lungs burn and you can’t get a breath in.
You took my breath away.
When I started to fall in love with you, I was filled with adrenaline and I remember how badly my cheeks hurt from smiling. I believe yours weren’t much better off.
We welcomed the love that overflowed us with giggles and open arms. As if nothing bad could ever come from it.
Oh, how wrong we were.
The puppy love stage is a beautiful thing. You’re getting to know the person you believe to be the love of your life. Everything that person does or says is like magic to you.
At any point, you can take those rose-colored glasses off and see that just maybe it’s not as magical as you’re imagining it to be. But no one wants that! I mean, who’d like to watch themselves fall out of love?
I wanted to fall in love deeper and deeper until I was drowning in everything you were. That’s exactly what happened.
I ignored the red flags and let you use them to neglect me when I needed you the most. You couldn’t care less about those mornings I woke up sick or about the fact that I needed you more than you needed me.
You saw a burden in me. After a while, it became very obvious. I saw the shift in your eyes. I saw the moment you decided that I was just too much for you.
That one early morning when we woke up together, you rolled to the other side. You decided to turn your back to me, even though you knew how bad my nightmares were.
I just needed you to hold me and remind me that it was all a dream.
I don’t know how much that would’ve helped, considering that I thought of you like a dream for such a long time. And here you were, very much real, and that moment hurt.
You’d roll your eyes when I’d tell you what happened at work. You’d puff out a breath when I’d ask you a question. Even the times I’d try to hold your hand, you’d just snap it back, raise your voice and say that I should leave you alone.
You can imagine how confused I was. The fairy tale that we had soon became an incarnation of all my darkest fears.
I’d beg you to spend more time with me, but you’d always refuse. You’d pretend not to hear me when I’d ask you when you’d be home after your night out. Some nights, you didn’t even come back at all.
I never once tried to ask you where you were. That’s because I knew that if I did, you’d blame me for the things you did when I wasn’t around. And also, I didn’t want to know the truth. It would hurt me more than anything to know that maybe, just maybe, you were falling for someone else.
When you said you loved me, your eyes were so devoid of emotion that my heart would crack. Slowly, I felt a hole form in my chest. Where you once lived had turned into a gaping black hole so big that it sucked all the happiness and joy out of me.
The confusion on your face was obvious when I said that I didn’t want to be with you anymore. There was confusion, but I didn’t see an ounce of remorse. I think that that’s exactly what confused you. You weren’t even aware how much you didn’t want me in your life anymore.
But here we are.
And falling out of love with you was ecstasy.
It started with the crushing sound of my heart hitting the pavement. Onlookers didn’t seem to care about the bizarre picture that just played out in front of them. They just knew it was creating a mess for them.
So I kept it all to myself, mended my heart, and cradled it like a small baby. I told myself that everything would be okay and after a while, I started to believe that statement.
When you stop falling from that skyscraper, you finally have enough time to fill your lungs with air and take a moment to breathe. I felt that moment my chest expanded.
The hole that you left in my chest still hurts from time to time, but I can handle it. I rejoice when I feel the way it aches because it reminds me of the person I became because of you.
How many people can say that they enjoy the feeling of falling out of love with someone? The way your heart seems to fall into place all by itself and your skin starts to get its natural flushed color back.
I see the world again for the wonderful reality that it is. Even without you in it, I’m happy to have loved you. I’m proud of myself for experiencing love in that annoyingly beautiful way.
But I’m more proud of myself for falling out of love with you.
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