I know it’s painful to see the people we love make mistakes that ruin their lives, but detaching with love allows us to enjoy our life despite another person’s problems and behavior.
It’s totally normal that we’re attached to someone and that we care about them. It’s even healthy! However, codependent attachment carries way more power than we think it does. It brings much pain and numerous problems in relationships.
The reason we become overly attached to someone is not hidden behind the fact that we love that person so much, but because we need them so much.
We desperately need someone to act the way we want them to, just so that we can feel okay. Then we become too controlling, we react in the wrong way and constantly worry. Those are things that have the power to destroy everything.
Everybody can become over-involved. But it’s important that everybody knows the antidote. And it is to detach and let go.
What is “detaching with love”?
Do you know what is the main issue of any kind of addiction? It’s control. It’s a big deal for the people who are overly attached, but also for their loved ones.
They convince themselves that they can control themselves. And the other party convinces themselves that they can handle the other person. When they realize it can’t work out well, the relationship between them collapses.
Many people call detaching with love “tough love.” But I wouldn’t agree with them. Tough love is an approach with many strict rules like: “If you say that to me one more time, I’m leaving you forever.”
When in contrast to this we have detaching with love. Which is not that strict and more flexible. Basically, we stop stepping in for every minor problem and we stop taking responsibility for our loved ones’ behavior.
We let them deal with the natural consequences of their actions. But we do still help them learn how to make better choices. And we try to teach how not to react out of anxiety, anger, or even fear.
We are still there for them, but the only difference is that they’ll feel freer. And we’ll also worry less and we’ll get a chance to focus on ourselves and the issues we need to face.
Why is it good for you?
How to know when you need to do it? Well, detaching with love should come when you realize that you are so wrapped up in other people’s problems that you start worrying too much. Then all that worrying negatively impacts your physical and emotional health.
The most common problems that appear are loss of appetite, insomnia, headaches, or stomachaches. You may even feel like you’re constantly under stress, distracted, easily annoyed, depressed, unable to focus, and many more negative feelings.
It’s time to detach when you start to care more about other people than you do for yourself. Sometimes you’ll try to change them for their own good, but you can’t change those who aren’t interested in that. And if you try to do it even though they said “No”, both of you will get hurt.
I know it’s hard to see people you love doing things that aren’t good for them. However, it’s also heartbreaking to keep bothering them, giving ultimatums, starting fights, crying, and rescuing them every other day.
When you accept the fact that you can’t control the life of the person you care about, you’ll finally allow yourself to take a step back and regain your strength. Trust me, you need it so you can be the best, healthiest version of yourself again.
Why is detaching with love good for people around you
You have to understand that this is one of the controlling types of behavior (even if the person had good intentions). And you need to know that it’s always done from a place of superiority.
People who behave that way usually act as if they know you better than you know yourself. That they know what’s best for you and you’re a fool if you don’t do what they advised you. Relationships with them aren’t healthy. They prevent you from having trust and open communication.
No one wants to feel like a child. And if someone is constantly trying to help you it gets annoying. Yes, sometimes people may enjoy the benefits of someone cleaning up their mess. But I assure you that people who are being treated as a child face many self-esteem problems because of that.
How? Because they get the feeling they’re incapable of solving their problems. And after some time they’ll be afraid to even try doing something on their own.
If you love someone, you have to let them go sometimes. Sometimes it will mean that you need to try to stop controlling them. So detaching with love is the best choice for both of you.
Of course, it will be difficult to do so and watch someone you love make wrong choices in their life or do things you don’t agree with. But keep in mind that adults have the right to make their own decisions, even if they’re bad.
Are you over-involved?
Think about how often you worry about something. Now you’ll see that the things we worry about are the ones we deeply care about. So when we’re angry at someone, it’s because we’re attached to them in one way. We want to be next to them no matter what happens.
And sometimes we give unsolicited advice. Believe it or not, doing that means crossing the limit. Don’t worry, we’ve all done this at least once, but overly-involved people do it all the time. Instead of acting like two different people with different opinions, we blur the boundaries.
Check out these questions and tick the ones that apply to you.
– Do you feel that you care about someone’s opinions, thoughts, feelings, and judgment too much?
– Would you say that you spend a lot of time worrying about someone else’s problems?
– Do you constantly overthink someone’s motives?
– Does your mood depend on someone else?
– Do you often think about how one of your friends is feeling and what is he/she doing at the moment?
– Or do you think that you sometimes neglect your career, hobbies, or friends because of a person?
– Do you leave your obligations behind to please other people?
– Would you say that you’re afraid of rejection?
– Does doing things alone bother you?
When we’re over-involved we unintentionally try to control the opinions, feelings, and actions of the people around us. And we do that to get what we want at that moment, or to feel the way we want. But we also try to help them. It’s not all that black.
However, it’s definitely something that’s bad for you and the people around you. So if you ticked multiple questions, you might want to think about detaching with love, seriously.
How to do it?
Okay, let’s see, we’ve already talked about what “detaching with love” is and why is it good for you and the people around you. However, you’re probably wondering how to do it.
Let’s revise what it is. It’s an action that helps you stay in your own lane. It means that you’ll need to learn how not to interfere in other people’s business. And focus on your own instead. Here are some examples:
– Set realistic boundaries.
– Stay focused on the things that you can control instead of worrying and overthinking about what others are feeling, and going through.
– Don’t be afraid to express your feelings and opinions.
– Allow people around you to experience the natural consequences of their actions, no matter how difficult it might be at first.
– Stop giving unsolicited advice.
– Never accept responsibility for solving other people’s problems; you have your own life to deal with.
– Don’t make excuses for their bad behavior.
– Be aware of the fact that your feelings and needs are valid.
– Don’t involve yourself in many situations that stress you out.
– Don’t always expect the worst things to happen.
– Stop doing things for people, when you know they can easily do them on their own.
These are some steps you really need to follow if you want to find true happiness. This way you’ll be free to finally enjoy the beauties this world offers. And you’ll also let the people around you feel free. It will make your relationships better. And everyone will feel better after some time.
More benefits of detaching with love
The benefits of detaching with love are not only seen in the relationship, but also when it comes to personal growth, inner peace, and all other areas of our lives. Even though some of them won’t be visible immediately, you’ll definitely notice the change pretty soon.
Here are some of the best benefits you’ll get the chance to see:
– We learn to show love the right way.
– Feeling more peaceful.
– There will be plenty of free time that you’ll get the chance to spend on yourself.
– We become stronger.
– Fear of losing someone significantly decreases.
– We learn a lot about independence and self-responsibility.
– The chance to make our current and future relationships better.
We need to know that we are the only ones who are responsible for our thoughts, feelings, actions, and all the consequences of those actions. Other people are responsible for their own.
Of course, we will try to help our friends with their problems, and they’ll also try to cheer us up when they feel we need it. However, it’s one thing to occasionally provide some help and to obsessively try to solve everything.
We shouldn’t become someone’s caretaker. In friendships and romantic relationships, everyone should be equal. If one person is trying too hard, it will either annoy the other one or make them not put the effort in anything anymore.
Final words
It might be difficult at the beginning, but as soon as you start to see the results, you’ll get even more motivated to continue making progress. When you see that the friendships you thought will never recover start becoming stronger every day, you’ll know that you’re on the right track.
Detaching with love is not a term that everyone is familiar with. Now when you are, use the knowledge you gained to live your life to the fullest. Be careful not to misinterpret it as distancing yourself from the ones you care about.
Keep in mind that you’ll still be allowed to help them and show them how much you care. It’s just that you won’t spend your nights trying to figure out how they will solve every minor issue that they need to face. They are adults who are responsible for their actions and they will learn something from their falls.
Be the change you want to see in the world! You’re strong enough to become the best version of yourself, so why wait any longer?
Leave a comment