Dear cruel lesson I had to learn,
If what I had with you would have to be described in only one word, ‘waiting’ would surely be the one.
The entire time we were together, I was constantly waiting for something.
I was waiting for you to be sure about me, to choose me, to call, to reply to a text, to stop being afraid of commitment, to finally be ready…
But I guess I was actually waiting for a miracle.
If I had let you keep walking in and out of my world, I’m sure that I’d still be waiting. I’d still be hoping that one day you’d stay and truly love me.
I was ready to give you and our relationship a million chances, and maybe I even already did. The result was always the same and still would be…
It would never work, because you’d never change. You’d never truly love me the way I deserve… the way I truly loved you.
Saying this doesn’t really make anything easier, but it does make me finally face reality.
I wasted so much time, too much time, hoping that you’d eventually come around, that you’d see how things would be if you truly gave us a chance…
You couldn’t do that, and you never would. You’re simply emotionally damaged and afraid of love.
That fear made you think that you had to keep me far away from your heart, even though I gave you mine.
You never really talked much, at least not about the things that matter.
Those rare moments when you’d still open up and allow me in were what made me love you.
You’d squeeze me in a hug and passionately kiss me, which made me believe that you genuinely cared about me.
In those rare moments, you were a dream come true, but the rest of the time, you were just distant.
It’s like you were trying to keep me close by doing just enough for that, but never allowed me to get too close.
That ‘just enough’ kept me around you for a long time, so I guess it worked.
You knew that I’d let you come back to me regardless of how long I wouldn’t hear from you or see you.
I guess you even counted on that, and you were right every time.
You knew how deeply I loved you, and you used that to your advantage.
I was never a priority to you, and you repeatedly proved that with your actions as well as your words, countless times.
Still, I loved you so much that I was ready to settle for crumbs of your affection and attention.
I let you treat me badly, and it was the biggest mistake I made.
When I settled, I became just an option, which is the worst you can mean to a person who you’ve made a priority.
By settling for a lot less than I truly deserved, I hurt myself and allowed you to hurt me. Just by staying with you, I broke my own heart.
You just made up stories and fed me words I wished to hear.
I remember the stories about us being happy together one day and you chose to tell those most of the time.
“We’ll be happy together when the time’s right…”
“We have a good thing now, why spoil it?”
“Why put labels on what we have?”
“Why do we even need others to know about us or see us?”
You used these phrases so many times, and I believed you every time. To this day, I don’t understand why.
I guess you simply can’t rely on your own eyes and common sense to see things clearly when you’re deeply in love.
Only a lot of tears could really open my eyes, and there were a lot of them…
I willingly gave you all of my love, respect, understanding, commitment, and all of me… You never even tried to give me the same.
You just assumed that I’d always let you come back and took me for granted.
Even I thought that I’d never stop letting you in, trust me, but I had an incredible moment of epiphany that finally made me see things clearly.
It made me realize that I’d only get sick if I stayed on the emotional roller coaster that was our relationship.
There were times when I felt like we were moving forward, but you just let me down every time.
Every single time I trusted you and believed your promises, you disappointed me.
Whenever you did something that made me feel happy, I would have to pay for it, and it cost me enormous pain.
These things are the true reasons I had to stop and open my eyes.
I simply had to stop letting you mistreat me like that. Most importantly, I had to have enough self-respect not to allow you to come back again.
I was only wasting my time, and it had to stop and make me see that you’d never be ready.
My heart couldn’t stand you walking in and out of my life whenever you wanted, so I needed to protect it.
I had to remind myself of what I deserve and look past my love for you.
Getting away from you was the hardest thing I ever had to do but I had to do it to find myself, start loving myself, and try to make myself happy.
Waiting for you to love me and make me happy was hopeless anyway.
I had to make myself a priority so that I would stop being only an option to you… or to anyone else who was going to come into my life after you.
You are the cruelest lesson I had to learn, but I thank you for teaching me how important it is to put myself first.
You really hurt me, but it was only possible because I let you.
I won’t let myself make the same mistake again.
Whenever I see someone considering me as an option again, I’ll remind myself that I have the option not to allow it.
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