When I tell you that things aren’t looking too good for me, I’m not lying to you.
Everything is a little bit overwhelming at this moment, to be honest. I’m trying to get over someone who’s already over me.
He’s over it. He moved on like I was nothing but a fever dream that he had no intention of remembering.
When I was younger, I thought that the pain of heartbreak would get easier over the years.
Especially because the first heartbreak is the worst. It feels like you’re holding your breath for days, just waiting for your mind to collapse into itself.
The second heartbreak is not that much easier to live through. You forget how many tears have streamed down your face by the end of it.
But what happens after you’ve been broken so many times, when you finally think that you’ve gotten used to the feeling, someone new emerges?
I was a broken little girl. Even in my twenties, everyone around me considered me a little girl.
I was always fragile, always emotional, always naive.
So whenever I had gotten my heart broken, I’d pretend to be strong so that people wouldn’t think of me as a lost case.
I put on a mask of strength and made sure no one saw that I’d cry myself to sleep at night.
So when he decided to come into my life, I definitely didn’t think that I would fall so fast and so hard.
I fell for him like I was desperate for affection. Now I know that wasn’t true.
I fell in love with him because he made sure that I was taken care of. He protected me from the world and from myself.
He did everything he could to ensure I was just as madly in love with him as he said he was with me.
This man made sure I believed that love was pure and beautiful. He made me trust in myself and my decisions.
He showed me that true love can heal even the deepest wounds.
Maybe that’s why I’m so fragile after him. Because he put all my broken pieces back together, just to shatter me apart at his will.
I was so oblivious to his antics because I was so sure that he loved me.
So when things started to go downhill, I would shake my head and try to rid my mind of any bad thoughts of him.
He became more distant as time went by and he wouldn’t talk to me about it.
When I’d ask what was wrong, he’d yell at me that I was always too persistent and if he wanted to tell me, he would.
He was frustrated with me more days than not.
When he stopped touching me altogether, I had to reconsider our entire relationship. I had no idea what was going on.
That’s when he also left me.
He broke up with me like I was nothing more than a bystander that he had to move past to get to his goal.
I was nothing more than one more obstacle he had to run past in order to get to where he wanted to be.
Because he wanted someone else more than he wanted me. He didn’t intend for that to happen is what he said, and somehow, I believe him.
No one intends to fall in love with someone, it just kind of happens. So I let go of him, because what else could I have done?
I couldn’t have held on to him for dear life when he didn’t want to have anything to do with me!
That’s when the tricky part came: I questioned if I’d ever be able to move on from him and what we had.
It’s easier to get over someone when you know that they’re in as much pain as you are.
Maybe it’s a selfish thought to want someone to go through the pain you’re experiencing. It’s definitely not healthy, but I can’t help myself.
I wonder if he still thinks of me when he makes his favorite breakfast. Does he remember my green eyes when he looks into her brown ones?
Does he feel that little sting of pain whenever we accidentally run into each other?
Why do I even care?
Well, I know the answer to that at least. It’s because I haven’t let go of him and it’s breaking me that I know that he’s already moved on.
Getting over someone who’s already over you is a pain I’ve never known before.
You might think that I’m being dramatic, but you’ll know if you’ve experienced it.
The thoughts of not being good enough or being too much haunt me.
What did she have that I didn’t? What did he see in her that I couldn’t offer him? Did he even love me if it was that easy for him to turn his back on me?
These are very dangerous questions with even more dangerous answers.
I just know that I have to get over him as soon as possible. Maybe even tonight my heart will crack into place again and I’ll be left with just a memory of him that isn’t painful anymore.
But I suppose that’s nothing more than wishful thinking. I feel like it’ll take me much longer to figure this out and work things through.
I am ready for that. However long it must take me, I will work through this and I will get over him.
During this time, I’ll welcome the pain and the sorrow. They’re nothing more than a part of this process.
They’re more than just a reminder of him and our love, they’re a reminder of my strength and that I am here despite how much I depended on him.
So now, whenever I think of him loving her, I have the pain to remind me that I have to move on.
One day, I’ll believe that I’m enough again. One day, someday in the future, I’ll believe that I’m worthy of love again.
Until then, I’ll let it hurt. I can’t escape the pain, so I might as well embrace it because it’s the only memory in me that remains of him.
So, about moving on from someone who’s already over you… It’s like living hell. But I believe that it’ll be worth it once I get through it.