Think aloud
“Why is my grown daughter so rude to me?”
It seems like something’s going on between you two, but you have no idea what is happening, or why it’s happening. The only thing that you do know is that your daughter is being extremely disrespectful, and it doesn’t matter what you do, it seems like nothing is good enough anymore.
Whenever you call her, she just brushes you off. And even though she visits you, she’s just so rude to you. It doesn’t matter that you’re doing your best to make things more comfortable for her since even the slightest remark makes her spiral.
Sometimes, you’re just trying to give her some constructive advice, but she lashes out at you without any warning. I mean, you meant well. Why is she behaving this way?
Well, there’s probably a good reason for her behavior, and you’re not even aware of it. She’s your daughter, and you probably know that she wouldn’t be acting this way if there wasn’t a good reason behind it.
It’s a good thing that it’s usually not something that unusual. There’s an explanation for everything, so I’m here to help you understand what’s hiding behind your daughter’s rude behavior.
Why is my grown daughter so rude to me?
1. Childhood trauma
Throughout most of this article, you’ll feel attacked. I must tell you that in advance because you may become defensive at times, and I’d really like for you to keep an open mind if you want to rebuild your relationship with your grown daughter.
When you look back at her childhood, what was it like? What are the chances that there were some traumatic experiences that she connected to you and your family home? Maybe something happened that isn’t immediately on your mind.
Even if you didn’t have anything to do with that trauma, she still thinks that you’re responsible for it, because you should’ve been the person that kept her safe. If you weren’t there for her when she needed you, then she’s still holding a grudge.
Also, if you ever neglected her, or if you ever raised your hand or voice at her, she still resents you. I mean, can you really blame her? I know that you think that you didn’t know any better, that you were nothing more than doing the best for her, but she doesn’t see it that way.
You can talk to her about this and try to figure things out, but you can’t push her to force those feelings away. Those emotions are very real.
2. She’s going through tough times
Maybe you have nothing to do with her mood swings. There could be an underlying cause that you’re not aware of, and she doesn’t feel comfortable talking about it. When she’s under stress, she’ll react much more aggressively, even if it’s uncalled for.
Do you know if she’s having trouble in her relationship or marriage? Is she financially stable? Does she have issues at work? She probably said something that could tell you where that behavior is coming from, you just have to rack your brain for it.
Again, this is one of those things that you’ll have to talk to her about. However, if you think that she’s in an abusive relationship, then you may want to figure out another way. She could be scared, so you’ll have to intervene in another way.
3. Substance abuse
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People who abuse substances are much more agitated than others. It’s hard to talk to them, especially when they have no way to get to their preferred drugs. She wants to get that high again, but something is stopping her.
When you’re asking yourself, “Why is my grown daughter so rude to me?” then you may want to consider this issue. Also, if you already know that she’s taking substances, then you may want to intervene sooner rather than later.
In these situations, you won’t be able to talk to your daughter. I would guess that you’ve already tried talking to her, but it doesn’t seem like it’s getting through to her. You’re just growing apart more and more.
Is there someone who she trusts? Like a sibling? A friend? Or a relative? If there’s someone she trusts more, then maybe she can talk to that person, and they can convince her to get the help she needs. I’m suggesting this because there’s a good chance that she doesn’t want to listen to you.
4. She’s in therapy
You may be struggling to find a connection between her rude behavior and the fact that she’s in therapy. But, if you’ve ever been in therapy, then you know just how hard it can be on the individual.
The therapist brings out the deepest and darkest parts of a human being, and sometimes the person can’t deal with it.
Maybe her way of dealing with all these new things is to create more space between herself and other people to figure things out better. Otherwise, she could fall back into old patterns, and no one wants that.
If this is really the case, then you shouldn’t worry too much about it. There’s a good chance that your daughter will get back to you once the hard part is over, and she’s able to communicate things properly.
For now, you shouldn’t force communication and visits. She’ll feel much better knowing that you’re supporting her through this time and that you have enough patience to wait for her to reach out.
5. You were ignoring her boundaries
For some stupid reason, parents aren’t able to understand that their children have a right to their boundaries. Here, we’re not talking about a child who doesn’t know how to communicate things without crying. We’re talking about a grown woman who’s probably trying to tell her that something you’re doing is making her uncomfortable, so she’s trying to establish boundaries.
If you ignore those boundaries, I can promise you that you’ll lose your daughter for good. She’ll cut contact with you in a matter of seconds because her peace is much more important than any communication with you.
If you tried to tell her how to live her life, how to raise her children, or if you’re still trying to control her decisions even though she’s an adult, then you have another thing coming for you.
You can’t do that. Especially not if she’s specifically told you that you’re out of line with your behavior. Your opinion isn’t important here, it’s about her and her boundaries.
We’re not talking about an abusive relationship or substance abuse here, because you have a right to intervene in those cases. However, if you try to tell her how to clean her own house, or what car she should get instead of her dream car, then you should back off.
6. She’s trying to prove that she’s an adult
Well, she’s your grown daughter. She could be trying to prove to you that she’s an adult, and you’re not listening. She wants to make her own decisions, she wants to be independent, and she doesn’t want her parents to constantly be on her neck about anything and everything.
Your daughter has probably had enough of you acting like she’s a child. Maybe she just wants to be respected and seen as an equal. If you constantly treat her like a kid, instead of your grown daughter, then there’s your problem.
Would you be okay with someone constantly nagging you about something? You wouldn’t.
She’s not rude because she doesn’t love you. She’s rude because she doesn’t feel like you’re listening to her when she wants to be seen as an independent adult.
7. It’s hard for her to understand that you’ve changed
Well, have you been rude to her? Let’s be honest, most parents don’t even realize that they are bad parents until they get older, and their grown children tell them just how awful they were.
Somehow, your behavior led to this response. However, now you’re a changed person, but your daughter doesn’t understand that, nor does she believe it. You can change all you want, but she probably wants to see that change happening in action.
Parents tend to change and then become better people than they ever were before. For that exact reason, you feel like she’s being rude.
However, this used to be your normal communication before you changed your ways. Think of it this way. She’s used to chaos and arguments, she doesn’t understand that you only want the best for her.
If you weren’t able to establish a nice and peaceful relationship with your daughter early on, then there’s a slim chance that you’ll be able to get to that point later down the line.
You can try and talk to her, but I would recommend that you try to genuinely show your transformation through your actions. You may be surprised by the way your relationship will change!