Growing up, you get shaped by everything and everyone around you. This means that from an early age, you’re forever looking for a way to relate to other people.
As you get influenced by the world around you, you create your attachment style, which affects every single relationship in your life. From those with your family and friends to the romantic ones.
But sometimes, as a result of the way you’ve been raised and treated as a child, you develop unhealthy attachment styles. Soon, you realize that many of your relationships become affected by it, and sometimes, they even fall apart because of it.
If you want to find out if your attachment style is affecting your relationship, then keep on reading. Maybe you’ve been neglecting something that has been in front of your eyes your whole life.
But now is time to be real with yourself and make a change that will help you become your best self.
1. The Pleaser
Pleasers usually grow up with overly protective or overly critical parents. From childhood, they therefore do everything in their power not to upset or anger their parents.
This means that they learn to please others, even if it means that they end up being unhappy.
Once they form this attachment style, they let it enter into every part of their lives, including their romantic relationships.
This makes them turn into the type of partner who doesn’t feel comfortable setting boundaries. They feel the constant need to please their partner and make them happy, forgetting about their own happiness.
They rarely express their feelings as they fear that it could make their partner unhappy. So for them, it’s better to keep quiet and not say anything than to share what’s going on inside their head and heart.
If you’re a pleaser, then you need to learn to stand up for yourself. You need to free yourself from all of the burdens you constantly put on yourself.
It’s not your job to make your partner happy, and no matter how hard you try, there’s no way you’re going to be able to do it indefinitely – you’ll burn out.
So, for a change, let go of all of the limiting thoughts you constantly feel, and don’t be afraid to put yourself first for a change.
You can’t always be the caretaker. Sometimes, you need to let others take care of you.
2. The Avoider
Avoiders never experienced sharing feelings. Growing up, their parents were rarely affectionate. There were no hugs and kisses, no words of encouragement when they did something right.
This means that they learned to take care of themselves from an early age as they didn’t need anyone’s support.
But now, when they want to create a meaningful romantic relationship, they often fail to do so.
Whenever their partner expresses emotions, they feel uncomfortable as they don’t know how to deal with it. It literally overtakes their whole bodies.
They have no idea how to show affection, which usually makes their partner feel emotionally neglected or underappreciated. This has a significant effect on the relationship.
If you match the avoidant style, then you need to learn more about yourself. You need to open up your emotions and learn how to express them – because they’re there, they’re just repressed.
It won’t make you vulnerable if you show your partner how you’re feeling. It can only help you strengthen the bond between the two of you.
3. The Vacillator
Growing up, vacillators rarely had their needs met. They always felt last on the list of priorities, which made them believe that they’re on their own, with no one to rely on.
And when their parents finally do pay attention to them, vacillators are already too angry for having waited that long.
That’s why their romantic relationships are focused on the idea of finding that one person who can give them all of the love they’ve been missing.
Vacillators want to feel a strong connection with their partners, which sounds like a good thing. But the bad part is that they tend to idealize their partners and create an unrealistic picture inside their heads of how they should be.
They fall in love fast, without taking enough time to get to know that person better.
But once they realize that the relationship isn’t going the way they planned, they give up on it because it lacks the perfection they expected.
If you’re a vacillator, then there’s one thing you have to do right now: Take some time to really get to know a person better.
Forget about that picture in your head that you’ve created. That means nothing as you still don’t know the person well enough. And the truth is that you’ll never get to that point if you keep living in denial.
Besides all of that, you need to learn to love yourself more. No one can replace the love you need to give yourself.
Even if you find someone who’ll love you to the moon and back, you’ll still be missing the self-love part. So, better start working on that if you want to see yourself happy in the long run.
4. The Controller
Controllers usually grow up surrounded by constant fear or feelings of helplessness. They were probably faced with some sort of abuse or mental illnesses, which affected their lives from an early age.
Felling vulnerable isn’t on the list of emotions they allow themselves to feel as they link this emotion to being helpless.
That’s why they choose anger as an emotion they need to experience on daily basis. Anger makes them feel powerful, and power gives them control.
That’s why, when it comes to romantic relationships, controllers avoid letting people in. They’re afraid of creating a connection with their partner because it makes them feel like they’re losing control.
So, if you’re a controller and you know how much trouble you’ve had for being unable to let anyone in, then I suggest you try to accept the fact that anger isn’t the only emotion you’re allowed to feel.
Your partner won’t hurt you when you let them in. Tear down those walls you’ve built around yourself.
Trust me, once you experience it, you’ll realize how good it feels to share your feelings with the one who won’t judge you but will actually be your support.
5. The Victim
Victims were usually surrounded by violent or abusive parents. So, as a coping mechanism, they learned to stay away from the trouble and be as invisible as possible.
They introduce these feelings into their romantic relationships as well.
Victims are those partners who have no confidence and don’t see anything good about themselves. They’re often anxious and adapt to everything their partner asks them to do, even when they don’t feel happy doing it.
Sometimes, they feel like the only way for their relationship to work is to be with someone who’ll control them and let them know what they’re supposed to do.
If you have a victim attachment style, then now is the time to do something for yourself. Stop thinking that you can’t do anything as you’re capable of much more than you believe.
You have a voice, so start using it to express your opinions, wants, and needs.
If you don’t do anything, you’ll always feel stuck and you’ll keep making excuses for the rest of your life. But trust me, you’re so much more than a victim – besides, you’re only a victim if you let yourself be one.
You may not know it, but you’re a fighter. It’s time to fight for yourself.