At one point, I realized that my marriage was falling apart. It looked nothing like I had expected it to and I felt terrible about it.
The shame that we didn’t make it work. The fear that I’d never be able to find someone else who would be willing to love me after already having one failed marriage behind me.
I was prolonging the inevitable by doing my best to keep us together. But the more I fought for us, the better I realized that there really was no point.
I finally decided to give up, as my then-husband and I finally figured out that there was no use in trying any longer. Even though our vows had said ‘for better or worse’, the best choice was still to get a divorce.
This realization hurt but it also taught me many different things I initially hadn’t been aware of. It made me realize that there’s good in everything, even in ending your marriage with the person you thought you were supposed to grow old with.
So, after the initial grief passed, I was finally able to look the truth directly in the eye. And this is what I then realized.
1. Being married can actually make you feel lonelier than being alone
Just because you married this person, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you saved yourself from loneliness. If your partner was a bad choice from the start, then there’s a chance that you’ll feel more lonely now than when you were single.
The point is that loneliness isn’t affected by your relationship status. Being taken doesn’t necessarily mean that you won’t feel alone the same way being single doesn’t immediately mean that you must feel alone.
In fact, being around a person who doesn’t get you can actually make you wish to be alone instead. When you wish to lock yourself in your room, all alone, because you can’t stand being in the same one as your husband – that’s when you know that your marriage is doomed to fail.
And that’s exactly how I felt most of the time...
2. Delaying the inevitable does you more harm than good
As I already mentioned, we tried our best so that our marriage wouldn’t fall apart. But it was only delaying the inevitable as at one point, the moment had come where all of our problems flooded us and there was nothing we could do to save the boat from sinking.
The moment you realize that you didn’t get what you expected, you can try working on your marriage. But if it becomes obvious that there’s nothing you can do to salvage it, you shouldn’t wait any longer to officially end it.
Trust me, spending more time together and trying to adjust to one another won’t change anything. It can only make you realize how incompatible the two of you actually are.
3. You should always follow your gut
You can’t choose to ignore your gut. At any given time, the decision to pretend like everything’s okay will knock you on the head and your gut feeling will scream from the top of its lungs that there’s no point in staying.
You know what’s best for you and you’ll feel it deep down if you’ve made a mistake. The second you realize that you’re not happy and that ending your marriage would actually put a smile on your face, that’s when you know that you’re wasting your time staying.
By then, you’ll have realized that there’s no way for your marriage to work. You know that it’s about to fail hard and the fact that you’re trying to ignore that feeling isn’t going to help at all.
4. You should never compromise the core values of your personality
Yes, relationships are about compromises.
Even if you feel like eating Italian food, you decide to opt for Chinese since your husband has been craving it badly. Even though your husband has been to Paris, he still chooses to go with you because he wants to create some memories together.
But you should never compromise the core values of your personality such as your beliefs, dreams, and desires. You should never choose to make yourself unhappy just because your husband doesn’t agree with your opinion.
I made a mistake by thinking that marriage is about compromising on everything. From the most insignificant things to the ones that change the rest of your life.
I also thought that by compromising, I was doing the right thing for both of us. But once I found myself dropping out of the university I had been thrilled to get in to because my husband thought that it would be a better idea to focus on my career, that’s when I realized that we had a problem.
I was definitely married to a man I didn’t love enough and I was compromising on the things I loved the most for the sake of our relationship. Those two things were clearly wrong and I had to do something to change them.
5. You’re the only creator of your happiness
One of the reasons why I was delaying the inevitable was because I was afraid that ending my marriage would also signify the end of my happiness. I convinced myself that being with someone instantly meant that I was supposed to feel better about everything that life gave me.
After making myself stay in a marriage that was obviously sinking, I realized that my husband could never make me happy since I didn’t felt happy having him by my side. I didn’t feel happy with the bare decision that I had married him.
And that’s why every day next to him felt like torture.
Honestly, I felt best in those weeks when he was away on a work trip. That’s when I would get my old self back and I would even catch myself smiling.
At that stage, I realized that I’m the only creator of my happiness. It wasn’t my husband and it never would be him.
If anything, he was only capable of sucking the happiness out of me instead.