What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you think about dominant and submissive relationships? What are the submissive rules, roles and even benefits in a d/s relationship? In the definition of BDSM, a lot of people think of kinky equipment like ropes, chains, handcuffs- the Fifty Shades of Grey kind of a thing!
In fiction, BDSM relationships are all about bondage, power dynamics, discipline, and even power play. Also, the man is usually the dominant partner in the relationship. But is this really what happens in reality? Submissive rules are not the same in every d/s relationship. You have to determine what you want to happen in your case.
Submissive Rules to Follow
In every relationship, there will be a dominant partner and the submissive one. However, don’t just assume that the wife will the submissive one every time. Some men crave the touch of a dominant woman which has become the plot of many movies and books focusing on sexual fantasies.
Submissive wife rules
Knowing the rules to follow in a BDSM relationship as a wife helps avoid the common blunders. However, before defining the submissive relationship rules it is worth noting that you need to be clear about when these rules may be broken. Some of the things to be clarified in making submissive rules include:
- Are there are scenarios where it would be impossible to follow the rules?
- Would you rather set the rules per-scene basis as opposed to having persistent rules?
- Could any of the submissive rules lead to dishonest interactions in the relationship?
The basic submissive wife rules are:
a) Enforced eye line
The sub wife must be looking straight ahead all the time. This is usually considered mental blindfold. You won’t be passively restricting her vision but rather doing it only partially. This takes much control and effort to maintain. Eventually, her eye line will break and then you can go ahead and punish her.
The sub wife can only speak when spoken to. It is one of the common rules seen in many BDSM relationships. However, the rule can be broken when the submissive wife wants to speak a safe word or when voicing a legitimate concern. You may not be aware of this during the initial phases of living this fantasy but in a d/s relationship you don’t want to push the sub to the point where she has to speak up about her safety or well-being.
It may even bring out feelings of disappointment and probably affect the power exchange and d/s dynamic in the relationship. The dom in a BDSM relationship need not restrict speech completely though. There is a variation where only certain ones are forbidden. The dom then outlines the punishment expected if the sub wife says the forbidden words, like spanking.
c) The sub has to remember and obey certain commands the dom sets.
This is basically a procedure of interaction that makes power exchange in a submissive relationship intriguing. Basically, the dominant partner sets rules for the sub to follow in a submissive relationship. The basic ones include the use of hand signals or memorizing certain positions. Some doms have mastered the art of using procedural play in a BDSM relationship and they can even take it to the extreme without losing control. People who have been in the military or are task-minded will love this angle of kinky role play in a dom/sub relationship.
It’s basically how the dom expects the sub wife to respond to specific actions. It has to be vocally. The simplest one used in any dom/sub relationships is having her count the strokes in role play. It can also be having her thank you after certain actions, like when you touch her.
This isn’t an exhaustive list of all the submissive rules you can impose on your wife in a dom/sub relationship.
You can come up with your rule book, as long as you ensure the rule will be kinky and not threaten the well-being of the sub. You can drop the submissive rules that are causing friction in the power play or d/s dynamic. They are not set on a stone and they can always be revised any time
Submissive husband rules
In many sexual fantasies women are are the ones are craving their lovers to throw them against the wall or in bed for some passionate and rough lovemaking. However, some men also crave that. They want a dom wife who bosses them around and throws them in bed or whichever place she desires. Submissive relationship rules vary widely and if you want a BDSM relationship where the wife is the dom then you should go for it. Some of the submissive husband rules to follow include:
a) Have him in his birthday suit while you are in a glamorous and sexy outfit
With your husband on his knees before you in tiny shorts, you can’t help but feel like you are on the top of the world. He’ll definitely be aroused by your display of power and you should go ahead and spank or pinch his bum playfully. This makes him feel open, exposed and even accessible while you are the goddess of beauty holding all the power in your hands.
b)Have him wait on you no matter how menial the tasks you are doing are
Whether you have just finished a work out or catching up on work emails on a lazy afternoon you need to put your sub husband to work. Have him filling up your drinks, bringing you snacks or massaging your feet. It will be better if he wears a “servant uniform” in this case. A white shirt and black trousers are standard but you can pick a different outfit for him depending on what you want. He can also be naked, which makes spanking easy for you if he makes a mistake. For this to work out, however, you need to ensure he has a safe word as well or the power dynamic will completely fail.
c)Declare yourself the queen that you are
You don’t need anyone else to make you feel like a queen but it does help when there is some formality in power dynamic of a d/s relationship. Include these in the dominant submissive rules and you will have loads of fun. Have him address you in an honorific manner to emphasize that you are in control. It will get right into his head. The positions you force him into also matter. If it is a lazy afternoon at home he can be sitting on the floor or a cushion while you relax on your throne.
d)Have him worship every inch of you
Get that massage oil when you are exhausted from the chores of everyday life and have him go to work on each and every part of your body. After you have relaxed then you can have him worship your body. Give him directions on how to touch you, address you, and have his lips and hands all over your body just how you like. In case you get turned on you should let your sub husband know. However, he can only make love to you on your terms, and when you say so. You are the queen and your word is the law.
e)Have sex on your terms
Sex is meant to leave each partner satisfied but in a dom relationship, the rules are quite different. His pleasure comes from pleasing you and your sex gratification comes first. Therefore, give the rules on how to be licked, played with, kissed and teased. If you desire penetrative sex it should be at the pace you want and you’ll decide on the position as well. Make use of sex toys if you must. Let him know the toys to use for your pleasure and how to use them. The sub should keep repeating the process until he has perfected this. Nevertheless, he shouldn’t orgasm until you say so.
f)Tie him up and keep teasing him until he can’t take it anymore.
Restraints are needed in this scenario. The best are the adjustable restraints that come with washable Velcro straps. They are easy to attach, safe and comfortable. While tied up, tease and stroke him until he is aroused and ride him until he’s just about to climax. At that point, get off and leave him frustrated. Keep repeating this until he loses his mind. The goal is to play him like an instrument and keep him guessing. You can get him to do anything you want when he is frustrated to orgasm but he can’t.
g)Ban masturbation for him
Men who love dom wives fantasize about having their orgasms controlled by their partners. It will be hard for anyone to quit masturbation cold-turkey but you can ban masturbation for him for several days. During your playtime, his attention will be on you.
h)Keep practicing dominating
You’ll pick up new things in everyday life on anything you are keen on. You won’t start off a dom/sub relationship being perfect, especially if you have never tried it before. Thus, you have to keep practicing until you are comfortable with your element. The better you get the better the role play will be.
Later on, you can laugh with your partner about the occasional awkwardness and even the mistakes made in the beginning. Don’t let the fear of making mistakes or the awkwardness of taking control hold you back. Keep going if both of you are happy about it, but remember to use a safe word when necessary.
Sundance submission rules
Sundance in dom/sub relationships signifies devotion and love for the dom. It also means the sub is committed to the relationship fully and willing to guard and protect it whatever the cost. There isn’t a right or wrong way to go about collaring. You pick what you are comfortable with. However, there are some general rules to remember in this case which are:
a)What does the collar mean to you?
Just like people decide on the wedding ring and what it means before walking down the aisle, it is the same way with sundance submission. Research on the collars and their meaning beforehand. You can even discuss this with other doms and subs. Think about how important it is for you- don’t panic though if you don’t come up with an in-depth explanation. Talk it through with your partner as well to ensure you are on the same page.
b)Prepare for the collar
It is a huge step to accept a collar from your dom partner and you need adequate preparation. Make sure you fully trust them to have your back no matter what you go through. However, this isn’t a must if it a casual relationship because you will only be using the collar during your playtime.
c)Receiving the collar
Obviously, you will have no choice on the sundance submission equipment used unless your well-being and safety are threatened. The dom partner decides what to get for you. Know the rules in using the collar in BDSM and how far you are willing to go. It prevents disappointments that can throw the relationship off balance. It is a thin line between dom/sub dynamics and feeling humiliated or worthless.
Rules for BDSM scenes
Unlike non-kinky sex, kinky sex offers a sea of possibilities. There are many things you can opt for it is impossible to do all of them in one lifetime. As much as you can tell through body language that a certain person is interested in having sex with you, it would be impossible to determine whether they want it to be kinky or not. On the same note, you won’t be able to tell the kind of things they want in the process unless you talk about it.
It can be tough planning BDSM scenes together. It is very personal but with some guidance, you won’t feel like you are floundering around. Some of the rules in planning BDSM scenes include:
a)Establish your goals
What roles will each person take? How do you feel about it? What are the accomplishments you are aiming for? What’s driving you to play together? Any activities you would like to try out? Have a list of the ideas you have in mind and then clarify or negotiate on what to do.
b)Use the goals to define the scene and get consent
No one should be forced into doing something they are not comfortable with. Gain consent before proceeding. Also, define the feelings that are scene-enders and the ones everyone feels good about. What sexual or physical contact is acceptable? You should also talk about the limits you shouldn’t push past and the things that shouldn’t be done. This is where you pick a safe word too. No one is a mind reader in these things and unless each participant communicates their needs and desires the other party won’t know.
c)Explain your feelings
Consider the feelings you aren’t comfortable with and let your partner know about that. No one is allowed to change the rules mid-play just because the other participant didn’t object to that when the rules were being made. If it wasn’t included when planning the scene doesn’t mean it is okay. However, it is also important to be thorough when discussing the limits. You don’t want your partner going through the scene afraid that you will pull the rug on them and follow a different script from the one they approved.
d) Proceed slowly
It’s not a competition and you’ll have another day to do it all over again even if the first time wasn’t perfect. Therefore, start slowly and build up the momentum. If it is the first time you are trying out BDSM you shouldn’t be going for 100 strokes. Do 5 or 10 and see how that goes. You have the option of going up later but if you go beyond your limits you can’t take it back. Don’t be in a hurry when you have so much time ahead to do whatever you want.
e)Communicate about safety
You should make sure your partner is okay with every step in a BDSM scene. Pick a non-verbal or verbal cue to signal distress. These can be safe words or a non-verbal cue. If safety is compromised the other party might abandon the BDSM idea altogether. Also, it is not about hurting or humiliating your partner but rather making each other feel good.
If that isn’t the case things can sprawl out of control quickly. Therefore, get your partner’s consent in everything you do, even if it was on the script. It’s better to be sure than sorry, and it won’t take much time to get their consent.
How to give orders to your sub
When you are the dom partner in a BDSM relationship you ought to ensure that your choices are deliberate. Doing something because it looked or sounded hot in your mind can turn out to be a big mistake. Also, don’t just go with what you saw in the movies. Remember movie scenes are written and directed by professionals, not to mention that they are usually edited. It would be impossible to create many of those scenes in real life, especially without the equipment and resources available when shooting a movie.
Every action you take will have an opposite and equal reaction and that is exactly where your focus should be at. In giving orders to your sub you have to:
a)Speak clearly and be authoritative
This is the whole point of being a dom. Your tone and message should be authoritative for the sub to know who is the boss. Nonetheless, make sure the message is clear to avoid blunders.
b)Frame every order to fit the scene and its dynamic
Don’t insert orders that are just impossible because that will be confusing to the sub. Orders that are taken out of context will lead to failure of the role play, hence, you have to avoid such. Discuss the orders before getting started to ensure your partner can follow them easily.
c)Give clear orders
You don’t want the sub pausing mid-scene to ask for further interpretation of the order. This takes the excitement out of the scene. Therefore, give clear orders that don’t require further explanation. Also, you don’t want to leave your sub wondering what you meant with your order. You want consistency and for the scene to succeed for maximum pleasure. This should be your goal in such a case.
d)With every order, there should be an intended result
Consider the desired result for each order. Ensure that whatever order you have given can produce the intended results. You may not get everything right the first time but knowing how to give your sub orders makes it easy for the scene to flow without interruptions. Mastering these rules on how to give orders to your sub makes things easier, even if you are a newbie. There is always a first time for everything but when you already know the rules there is a high probability of success.
BDSM rules in a relationship cannot be mastered in a day. Thus, take your time in mastering the art and be patient, especially if your partner is also new to it. Besides, don’t use someone else’s playbook especially if you aren’t comfortable with their rules. Remember that everyone’s taste and preferences on matters of kinky sex are different. It should be between you and your partner and what each of you wants and is comfortable with. You can keep adding or dropping rules and scenes until you have reached a middle ground. Once that is out of the way playtime will be the best part of your day, week or month.