I know what you see from the outside. I improved my look. I’ve gotten really good at everything, from the way I talk to people, to the smile I’m wearing on my face.
Sometimes it is real, but sometimes it’s not. I am not always happy or a ray of sunshine. I also have dark days and if you decide to take part in my life then I have to know that you will be there for me even in these times.
I’ve been through a lot in my life. I’ve experienced more pain and loss than most people have in all their lives. That’s what made me such a person.
And if you’re brave enough to face it, then I should warn you about a few things.
It won’t always be nice when I’m around. It won’t always be easy to have me in your life.
I don’t trust people so easily. I was hurt by some people, and that will never go away. Unfortunately, people have left this behind for others.
I have a wall as big as the Great Wall of China. It’s hard to get through them, almost impossible.
I overthink everything that I say and do. I’ve been telling myself that I could have seen this past pain ahead of time, if only I had paid attention to the warning signs.
I hesitate to believe in something good. I believe in love and the good in the world.
I don’t think I am good enough. I have been told so many times that I would never be good enough or pretty enough or smart enough. I was left by people who should take care of me and love me.
It is rooted in me that I will never be enough. I carry demons that nobody can see. I have scars that I will never talk about. I have bruises that still haven’t healed.
I am a ruin that puts a pretty smile on her face and faces the world every day in the hope that the past will simply disappear. And just when I think that everything is alright, something brings me down again. I can’t imagine anyone ever wanting to be a part of it.
But if you have the courage to face all of this, then you must know that I love with all my heart when I love. If I am interested in someone, then I am interested in someone completely. If I’m a friend, I’m a friend for the rest of your life.
With me you will always have someone by your side. You will always have a shoulder to cry for, an ear to listen to, and a hand to help you when you fall. These demons make me such a good friend.
Because I know pain, I would have never hurt you. Because I was abandoned, I would never leave you. Because I felt worthless, I would make sure that you never feel that way.
While my demons will always be in the background …. my heart is too big to let them take over.