I think that healing is much more painful than getting hurt. Getting hurt happens in an instant. It hurts like hell, but then the pain subsides. The initial shock wears off. Then there’s a grey period, a period of nothingness really. And then comes the monster. The time during which you are supposed to get better; the time during which you are supposed to heal.
Healing takes time. Healing means hanging on when you feel as though there is nothing to hold on to. Healing means facing all of your fears and being vulnerable to all of the pain moving through your body.
And healing means working really hard. Every single second of every single day. It means trying to smile when deep down your world has been torn apart. And the hardest part of all is not giving up. When you feel as though your heart is going to implode, or when you feel nauseous from all of the pain inside of you, you somehow have to keep going. You have to pretend you are okay and simply put on a brave face, even though you’re not going to feel okay, at least not right away.
And when you are in all of this pain, you are going to want to blame someone. Maybe it’s the person who hurt you. Maybe it’s you. Maybe it’s life. Or maybe it’s God. But no matter who or what caused you this immense pain, the easiest person to be upset with is yourself. When everything around you feels smothering, your reaction may be anger. Anger at yourself. Anger for feeling so terrible. Anger for feeling so weak.
But the truth is, it’s not your fault.
Your sadness is not your fault. Your hurt is not your fault. Your tears are not your fault. Release the blame. Separate yourself from it. You’re already hurt beyond measure. Blaming yourself won’t save you. It won’t help you to heal.
Instead, accept that right now, you are not okay. And maybe that is okay.
Maybe sometimes you have to fall before you know how to fly again. So please take the blame off of your shoulders. You aren’t a broken human. You aren’t irreparable. You are down, and you are hurt, but you won’t be hurt forever.
I know that when you are healing, some days you may wake up exhausted, with a lump in your throat. You may wake up in the middle of the night with chills or hot flashes, or sweat trickling down your back. You may wake up from wonderful dreams only to find that they were only dreams. These dreams will make you want to give up. Because right now it feels horrible. Right now the heartbreak and the pain feel insurmountable. But they aren’t. They are just mountains. You just have to climb. You just have to push through. You have to trust that you can do this.
You have to trust that you are strong enough to climb. Because you are. And all you have to do right now is take one tiny baby step forward. One little step.
The first step to healing is believing that you will feel better. The first step is believing that things will get better. And with each little step, you are healing. It might not feel like it, but you are. And no matter how low you feel right now, no matter how upset or depressed you may feel, you have to convince yourself that things will get better.
I know it’s hard to imagine feeling okay when right now all you want to do is cry. I know it’s hard to believe that you will feel good again, when right now you want to crawl out of your skin and disappear. You want to hide from the pain. You want to run from it. But you have to believe that this will pass. Because it will.
Storms always pass. Seasons always change. Nothing ever stays the same. Ever. I can promise you that you are not going to feel like this forever. It’s the truth. And if you can’t believe it right now, just keep holding on tightly to the ropes and I’ll believe it for you.
Healing hurts. Healing is painful. And it takes a fierce heart to heal from something like this. But you are going to heal. You are going to keep moving forward. You are going to come out on the other side. So right now, be proud of yourself for facing the days. Be proud of yourself for making it through and know that one day, very soon, I believe with all of my heart that you will find peace and comfort and that you will be okay.