Manipulative or protective-like feelings.
Greed or understandable jealousy.
Lust or love.
Acts of imperfection or human.
Envy or a simple desire.
Lies or half truths.
Some days I wonder if I will ever be my true self again, other days I am thankful that I am not the girl I once was. Unfortunately, these certain days have happened frequently within the past couple of years. More than I generally like to admit.
Relationships are difficult, they take time and effort but they are also supposed to be enjoyable. When you are truly with the right person, relationships can be so simple. No one, NO ONE deserves to be in a relationship where they fear the other person. I come prepared to write today, that I was the girl who stayed in a relationship because I was fearful of the man I was with.
All it takes is one day, one day where I had the courage to walk away from the situation. Walking away from this was the best decision I have made so far. I let someone take so much from me, and if I didn’t eliminate myself from that situation I don’t know where I would be today.
I dated someone I thought I knew.
For months that regretfully turned into years I spent so much time convincing myself that he was going to go back to the boy I had first met. I was oblivious to the fact that what I wanted to happen was impossible. I believed for so long that this was all a phase, but it wasn’t.
I dated someone who didn’t even know who he was.
The difference of his presence in my life as a friend and his presence as more than a friend were polar opposites. He developed into a compulsive liar and abuser. I constantly made excuses for him and disregarded everything he did wrong. All I wanted, was for him to be the boy he pretended to be. I tried to make everything seem perfect. I thought if I made it look perfect, it would be perfect. I lied to everyone that asked how we were doing. If I lied about it enough, maybe it would be the truth. I chose to ignore all of the signs, because I wanted to see the best in him.
I dated someone who made me lose my self worth.
I lost my smile that once filled the room because God forbid he see me happy. Its like my smile was a nuisance to him. Once he charmed me into falling for him, he knew he had me hooked to be able to manipulate me. He knew he had me wrapped around his finger and he used it against me everyday. He knew I wouldn’t leave. He could read me like an open book. Because of him, it was difficult to look in the mirror…my self esteem was lower than I ever thought possible. Because of him, I lost so much self confidence. I was the girl that didn’t deserve to be told compliments, because they weren’t actually true. Saying that he made me feel worthless, is an understatement.