It’s unfortunate that I’m having to write this. It means I lost someone that I cared for deeply.

I’m not one to get too personal but this has been a long time coming. Love — it’s a mysterious thing. You think you know who you’re going to fall for, but it doesn’t quite work that way. The one you fall for the hardest always comes unexpectedly.

That’s what you did. You came out of nowhere.

At first you were just like any other guy. But soon after, it was like a spark ignited. Gradually the flame between us grew stronger and stronger with each day. Slowly and surely, you turned into the one. The one who was on my mind every minute of every day. The one who made me light up just by walking into the same room as me. The one whose smile literally brightened up my world. The one who could make my days better with just one simple phone call or text message.

The one who I was sure I would be with the rest of my life.

You were my happily ever after, and I was convinced I had found my knight in shining armor. I found you handsome, charming and unique. I admired you, your flaws and your dreams. I defended you, respected you and appreciated you. I fell in love with everything about you.

While some fairy tales end with happy endings, mine did not.

You took me for granted. You didn’t see the little things. You couldn’t see the look of disappointment when I received a message or call that wasn’t from you. You didn’t know that I waited for those 3 a.m. calls from you to bring you home, because I always knew they were coming. You didn’t hear me defend your name when others talked down on you. You couldn’t feel the way my heart skipped a beat when I saw your smile. You didn’t notice how much I loved watching you get excited about a story you were telling me.

While you stayed on your phone, you didn’t notice that I never touched mine when I was with you. You couldn’t feel the joy I felt every time I heard your voice. You didn’t see how time stopped for me when I was with you. You didn’t realize I was there for you whenever you needed anything.

I was there through some of your worst days and some of your best ones. As hard as I tried, nothing was ever good enough. You couldn’t see the bigger picture. You couldn’t see me.

Instead, you destroyed me.

I believed the best in all situations. It’s hard to find true optimists these days, but I was one of them. I was just an innocent girl in love with the idea of true love. I still believed in fate. I believed if I wished the same thing on every shooting star that it would eventually come true. I believed in miracles. I believed that every person had a good side, even if they didn’t show it. I believed that Friday the 13th did indeed bring bad luck upon people. I believed in finding the beauty in everything. I even believed in aliens. I was a believer and I believed that, for once, I was actually living the life I always dreamed of.

Instead, you turned into my worst nightmare.

You built me up just to tear me right back down. You made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for anyone. To the point where I would question my own self worth. For the longest time, you made me blame myself when it was you all along. You abused the love I had for you. You filled my head with lies and you lead me to believe you actually cared about me. As much as I believed you would change and as hard as I tried to fix it, in the end you defeated me.

The sorrow I felt did not just last a few days. The pain never just magically went away. The agony lasted for many months up to years and counting. Over those years I’ve spent many late nights thinking about what was and what could have been. My pillow has been flooded with tears and my mind has been overwhelmed with flashbacks of all the memories we had. For a while, I felt as though I wouldn’t recover. I felt as if I had lost my mind and gone insane.

In the end, I was the bigger person. I learned to accept the truth that you wouldn’t tell me and it’s made me stronger. It might sound crazy but this I thank you for. It’s taught me not to let my guard down even for a second. I now think twice before every decision I make. I have the lock on my heart stronger than it was before. I know that people will try to manipulate me but I won’t let it happen anymore. I won’t settle for anything less than what I deserve. If you look deep into my eyes you can see how broken I have become, but you can also see how with time the pieces come back together. The scars I have are proof that I am healed and I have survived. They’ve made me value love and relationships even more than I already did before. The scars are not a flaw, they are a strength. Because of you I have become a stronger woman, and for that I am forever thankful.

One day you’ll look back and realize my worth. You’ll finally see me and all the big and little things I did for you. You’ll see me with another guy and, as hard as you try not to let it bother you, it will. You’ll think about how at one time that guy was you and, if only for a moment, you will feel regret. You’ll see how strong I have become and feel guilty because you were the cause of it. You’ll realize that all along you actually cared for this sweet optimistic girl. You’ll realize that the whole time you were pushing me away, I was the girl you should have been fighting for.

You might have defeated me then, but I have defeated you now. Not only did you lose the fight, you’ve completely lost the girl that loved you unconditionally.


The girl who used to love you.

By Hannah Murrell for Odyssey