I had strong hopes for our relationship. And I am finally not afraid to admit that. I know I acted like I didn’t care for you enough in the beginning, but that was only out of fear. You always made yourself very clear and you never promised us a future together. So, although we were actually never on the same page and I always craved for more, I tried to follow your lead and tried to act like this what was going on between us doesn’t have a deeper meaning for me either.
But, those were all lies. I’ve been to lying you and I’ve been lying to myself.
Now, I am strong enough to admit that I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember. And even when I didn’t want to admit it to myself, I’ve always hoped that we’d become something bigger and more important than this. I was just afraid to say it out loud because I knew you would reject me. I didn’t want to be a foolish, little girl who believed in love and romance in your eyes. I didn’t want for you to think of me as weak.
What I was even more terrified was that I would lose you completely, although I never had you. I was settling for little crumbs of your attention and affection because that was better than nothing for me.
But, now it’s about time to put an end to this farce. I loved you and I still love you and I don’t know if I will ever stop loving you. But, that is not the point now. These are my feelings, I am taking full responsibility for developing and having them, and I am the one who needs to deal with them.
The point is that you will never feel the same way I feel about you. I’ve tried to deny it, but I know that now. I’ve let myself be led by hope for more than enough time. I kept looking for an instance of your love for me in everything you did. But, there was no any. And there never will be any.
And that is why I am letting you go, as much as it hurts me. Don’t you ever think it doesn’t hurt- it hurts like hell. But, it has to be done.
I am letting you go because I am and I will always be just your option. No matter how much I try, you will never put me first. Yes, I will be the one you’ll call when you are drunk or when no one’s around or just when you need some company. But, I will never be your person. I will never be the one you’ll proudly present as your girlfriend nor the one you’ll call just to check up, even if you don’t need anything from me.
I am letting you go because I’ve spent more than enough nights crying myself to sleep. Because I’ve spent more than enough nights all dressed up, waiting for you to pick me up like you promised. But, there was always something more important than my- friends, night out at the club or some other girl.
I am letting you go because I am sick of your lies. You may say we were never in a relationship, so you never technically cheated on me. But, it sure did feel like cheating to me every time I saw you with another girl. I am letting you go because I’ve spent more than enough time and energy comparing myself to all those other girls, wondering what is that they have and I don’t.
I am letting you go because I am tired of waiting for you to finally choose me.
I am letting you go because now I know I can never heal you. There are some people who simply don’t want to be saved and I am aware that you are one of them.
I am letting you go because I am done with giving you second chances. I never thought I would be the one to say this, but you’ll never change and all of my hope is in vain.
I am letting you go because I don’t want for my life to look like this.
I am letting you go because I know I deserve better. I deserve a man who will be fully devoted only to me. I deserve a man who will be there for me when I need him and who will think I am special and more than enough.
You probably thought this moment would never come and that I will be somewhere near you as long as you need me. But, this is me accepting that we are simply not meant to be and this is me being strong and brave enough to let you go, even if it kills me.
Not for your sake, but for mine.