„ A mistake repeated more than once is a decision“. In order to decide to do something, we don’t necessarily have to say it, write it, or in some cases even know it, we just do it.
Our inner impulses and needs are driving us and keeping us alive, the only difference is whether we listen to them or not. This experience was the biggest lesson in my life, and it left a noticeable mark on my skin and soul. I am not proud of myself, but nor do I feel ashamed, I just feel that it happened the way it did for a reason and a purpose and it made me the person I am today.
I loved a man I that I was with for five years and he loved me back. This is the most simple introduction and the most accurate one. We loved each other very much, that much that is has almost become some sort of sickness and possessive kind of relationship. He was my all and I was his and there was no room for anyone else, not even friends, it had to be just us. It was the true sense of ironic love and despair. We hated the fact that we love each other, we hated the fact that we are miserable together, and we hated ourselves for not being able to fix it or to let it go. We knew that we are too different and yet too similar to make it work. We were fighting over almost anything, from why I left the house without telling him to why do you breathe so loud and why do you chew the way you do.
All the little things started to bother us, we would yell over almost anything, and physical contact was also very often. But even so, we kept going, there were no words of insult or anything in the world that any one of us could to in order for the other one to break up. Nothing, we would just fight over it, and then fall asleep as nothing has happened, in fact, it has become so often that we wouldn’t even notice it or get angry over it, we would have our fights as the „ morning routine“ and then continue with our life till the „ evening routine“ and then we would sleep and wait for the cycle to continue.
I knew I can’t leave, I was not strong and brave enough, and neither was he, but I also knew that If I stay for a moment longer I would lose my mind completely, I begged the universe to help me and to show me the way out of this mess… And indeed, universe collapsed and hid in the green fields of his eyes, those were the greenest eyes I have ever seen…
We met one night at 1 am while I was running back home from the house of my unfortunate love, we had the biggest fight ever, I hit him and he did the same, he called me names and said the words that I will remember till the day I die, the words of pure hate, hate because he loves. So there I was, running at 1 am down the street, freezing since I forgot my jacket in his house, my pale skin and wet cheeks couldn’t even cry anymore, so I just kept running, and just like in the movies, I almost crashed on him. I stopped just on time not to hit him and started saying how sorry I am for scaring him, but he just stood there, staring at me with those big green eyes, in the scariest and beautiful way, and I stared back. I liked it, very much.
He listened to my story, walked me home and gave me his shirt, that I still keep in my closet, to keep me warm. We exchanged phone numbers and one innocent cheek kiss…And the very next day, nothing was the same anymore, I was a completely different person. I spent the entire night thinking about the green eyes man, thinking about „ us“ and the way I felt that night with him, even though he was the complete stranger, he made me feel things I have forgot to feel. He started calling me and texting me, we were talking ALL the time, or at least all the time that I could. I was really scared of what would happen if my boyfriend found out since we still haven’t broken up.
The green eyes boy knew my story and he made peace with it. He knew that I will call him when I can and that I will see him when I can, and he wasn’t forcing anything, he was so patient and calm, almost like it wasn’t real. The more time I spent with him, the happier I was, I regained my confidence, positive energy and the very sense of power, after playing the victim role for so long. But truth to be told, the more time went by, the more I realized that he is not even near my unfortunate love. He was not as smart as him, nor as handsome as him, nor he could ever understand me like my love could…. but still, there was something about him, something that was driving me crazy and keeping me next to him. It was nothing in particular, not the talks, not the intimate relationships, not the looks, nothing… just the idea of having him near.
He fell in love with me badly, and I knew how much he suffered for knowing that I will never leave my boyfriend for him, for knowing that the moment I leave his bed and house, I will call my boyfriend, and that is exactly what I was doing. I couldn’t help it. I had the love of my life, and the most destructive relationship ever, and on the other hand I had the sweetest and the most innocent guy with green eyes that is treating me the way no one else ever did, and maybe never will. But either way, I knew that I can’t stay with him, and he knew that too. I just needed him there in that moment.
It went on for a while like that, and the longer it lasted the more confused and panicked I was. I started to feel like I’m losing my mind. I was stuck somewhere in between my needs, wishes and common sense. I knew that what I was doing is more than shameful and bad, but for some reason, I wasn’t even feeling guilty, because every time I heard a bad word or anytime we had a fight, I would remember all the beautiful things that green eyes have told me last night and I would be okay, but then again every time I was with green eyes I would only think how he is never going to be the man I love.
I knew I had to do something and that this can’t go on. There was the only one solution for this situation, in order to make it least painful for anyone and to give everyone the chance for a fresh start and healthy life. I told the man I loved „ I love you, God knows I do, but I am not happy with you, and I don’t think that I can be ever again“, it was the first time that he just looked at me softly and said „ I know, and I love you too, I want you to know that „. It was the best and the worst thing he could possibly say. The very same day i told the green eyes how much I love his eyes, but that it is not enough and that it will never be, and he responded with „ I know, I always knew, I just hoped that I will never hear it from you…“. And then I left. I chose the best possible option, the one where I do not to chose but rather just leave. The third option is usually the best one, the one with the most possibilities open, and the least damage made, except that this time the damage and the burden was mine, and I embraced it the best way I could.