I suffered a lot with you. And although I knew that a relationship and love shouldn’t look like that even when I was with you, I lied to myself and didn’t want to face the harsh reality of how much you’ve been hurting me.
But, even though I knew I was suffering, I thought everything was acceptable as long as you stayed by my side. I thought everything was better than you left me. And I was ready to endure every type of emotional pain just to keep you with me.
So, when you left me, I thought this was the worst thing that could happen to me. But, it turned out to be the best.
Of course, I didn’t know this at first. But, with time, it hit me.
You may think that the worst thing that could happen to you is for your biggest fear to come true. But, actually, when this happens, it sets you free. When your biggest fear comes to realization, there is nothing to be afraid anymore. And although you think you could never survive it, you see yourself alive, breathing.
My biggest fear was that you’d leave me. And I did everything I could to prevent that from happening because I thought I wouldn’t be able to stand it. But, I did. And you leaving actually relieved me. I was finally free, out of your cage.
Without, I’ve learned to breathe. I only realized this after some time after you left- when I was with you, I never once took a deep breath. You may think I am exaggerating, but you made me feel so anxious that I literally forgot how to breathe properly. Imagine how huge of an impact you had on me when you managed to affect my basic living function. Now, finally, being without you, I can take a deep breath and exhale. I don’t live in the constant fear you’ll leave me and that relaxes me.
Without you, I could finally live. And most importantly, I could finally be my real self.
For the first time in a long period, I don’t have to hold myself back. Finally, I could let myself shine as bright as I want. Finally, I am free to reinvent myself any way I want. When I was with you, you were always putting me in different boxes and giving me some restraints to make me fit your standards. You never accepted me for who I really was and I did everything in my power to be more likable to you, to make you love me more. So, in this process, I’ve lost myself completely and I’ve forgotten who I was before I met you. While I was feeling lost when you first left me and I thought this feeling would go on forever, it actually gave me the opportunity to be myself again. And it is the best feeling ever.
When I was with you, I always felt like I wasn’t good enough. Nothing I did could satisfy you- even when I tried my best, I wasn’t beautiful enough, attractive enough, smart enough. With time, you managed to convince this was really the truth. I’ve started thinking I was really good for nothing and that I should be happy that you were so kind of a person to even put up with me. Of course, this ruined my self-esteem completely. And instead you help me work on that, you’ve decided to boost my insecurities because that made me a more suitable victim of your emotional manipulation. So, when you left, I didn’t know what do to with myself. I thought I could never find my way in this world, I thought I was incapable of living without you guiding me. But, now I know the truth. I know I am capable of so many things and I know I could accomplish anything I set my mind to and that you were actually intimidated by that notion. Now, I know my worth and I could never acknowledge that with you by my side.
Without you, I can finally love. Maybe I still don’t know what true love should look like, but I know one thing for sure- how it shouldn’t be. I am finally ready to love another human being, without ghosts of past haunting me. And I am finally ready to embrace the love I know I deserve and nothing less.
And most importantly, without you, I can finally love myself. Without you by my side, I’ve learned to appreciate and take care of myself more than I ever did and that is something I could never do if you hadn’t left me.
Yes, you did break me. But, I’ve managed to put myself back together and that is my biggest life accomplishment and the most valuable lesson. If it weren’t for you leaving me, I could never discover my full capacities and I could never be this strong, free and brave woman I’ve become. And that is why I am more than happy you’re gone.