Somebody very close to me once said: „It doesn’t matter who hurt you, or broke your heart, what matters is who made you smile again“, and in that moment all I could think of was you.
I never know how nice it feels to have someone close to you because I was so used to solitude. I’m used to solving my own problems and not asking for the help of the others, I’m used to keeping myself to myself and not expressing any unnecessary feelings in front of the others. However, the moment I laid my eyes on you, and the same moment you smiled back to me, I knew my life was just starting. And I will never find the right words to describe you how much you mean to me.
Ever since I was aware of my existence, I felt like the only thing I knew how to do properly was to suffer, this way or another, I was the one suffering, and it was definitely the most beautiful and most innocent suffering ever. I wasn’t always unhappy, it was more the emptiness that caused my suffering, the unexplainable happiness, the missing puzzle piece. I remember, crying myself to sleep for most of the nights over something that someone said to me that day, or over somebody who was not worth or my attention and not to mention the tears, but yet, but there I was under the blanket, sobbing, and the empty room never really helped. I missed love. It never had to be that romantic kind of love that I now have. It could be just a friendly voice saying that everything will be alright, or a warm hug giving me hope and strength I needed at that time. I was completely alone, and I had no idea how to handle it. I was looking for love in the most depressing places, in the most pathetic ways. Eventually, I found myself trying to get away from countless bad relationships, shallow people, and everything there was to be out there, except love. It was all, but it wasn’t love. So now, I’m writing this, and thinking “ where have you been all this time” you? Is this the way that destiny wisely plays with our lives and keeps us in a complete darkness so long, just to appreciate the moment when we see the light?
Yes, you are my light. And thank you for that, and I want you to know it, every single day.
And let me tell you something, I’m still the same girl as I was before. I still have long black hair, big blue eyes, and pale, white skin that you love so much. I still love sunsets, and I still read Paulo Coehlo when I’m alone in my apartment. But one thing has changed. Now I love. Now I know how it feels to love, and even more, to be loved! For the first time in my life, I can actually think about growing old with you. I can see us, in our big living room, and children running down the stairs to open their Christmas presents, and you are standing there next to me in our embarrassing matching Christmas sweaters that I made you wear, and eating the not-so-tasty ginger cookies that I made last night and you just keep eating them like it’s the best thing you have ever tasted. That’s how I feel when thinking about you. You made me feel good about everything I do. For you, I am the most beautiful one, even when I’m exhausted from work, in my lazy day pajama, with the bun on top of my head and the donut in my hands. You just stare at me with shiny eyes like your looking at the beauty that this world has never seen before, and I absolutely love it.
I love everything about you and about us, and even about me, you made me the person I am today and I can never thank you enough for that. With you everything looks and feels different than it was before, everything is more beautiful, cleaner, nicer, tastier and softer. You showed me the world I never knew existed before. And while you’re reading this, my dear, I want you to know that I am proud to call you mine and to be called yours, and because of you, I believe in love again.