„She wears her pain like diamonds“. We have all heard of this famous quote that describes all the pain that girls are going through for their lost loves, and how they still manage to keep their strength after all. We girls are truly looking through the pink glasses when it comes to understanding what it means to love and be loved.
Since I was a little girl, like most of the girls, I spent lots of my nights dreaming about my „happily ever after“, my Prince Charming and my „ Big day in a white dress“. And I as well, like many others at the end, was not an exception when it comes to disappointment once I realized that my fairytale is far from my reality.
My high school sweetheart was everything I ever dreamed of. The tall and handsome guy with dark hair, big blue eyes, and big white smile. Now when I think about it, every man is the most handsome one in the eyes of a woman in love, and this guy truly was all of that for me. Not long after I met him, we started dating, and it went on for quite a while. Oh God, I was in love!
Moments with him were everything for me, and the more time I spent with him the more I was in love not just with him, but with my life in general. And who wouldn’t ?! He was the type of guy who would paint my name in street graffiti, lift me up and kiss me in the middle of the street, shout „ your mine“ in front of our friends, and sing me our song while I’m sitting in his lap, on „ our bench“.
I liked every single thing about him, and about us. He was my first love and I hoped he would be my last. Sure, how time went by, we’ve had our fair share of ups and downs but in general, I really believed things were going well for us. I really did…
Now, you know that moment when somewhere between dreams and reality you open your eyes, and you find yourself in some strange unknown place with the feelings you no longer understand. Its like you’ve been blindfolded through the whole ride. Finally, you get to see things for what they really are, and not for what you wanted to believe in. I remember that gloomy afternoon, he didn’t even bother telling me, I had to find out from other people about the other people in his life. I felt shame and stupidity. I gave him my all, and I only ever got the pieces of him. Afterwards, I started thinking about all the bad stuff he had said to me, and all the misery and pain I have felt lately, and the way he made me feel about myself, the way he made me think about myself. The love of my life was gone, and just like that, I was left alone. I was even thinking about forgiving him!
I was so lost without him, that at some nights, I would just stare at my cell phone and beg for his call or message, and I swear, in those moments of weakness I would run miles barefoot just to find myself in his arms again, even though I could still feel her perfume, I wouldn’t mind. He would be there, and that would be all I need.
But the truth is, you can’t make someone want you, you can’t make someone love you if they don’t, the only thing you can actually do when they leave is to let them. I felt so useless and helpless, everything I ever dreamed of was slipping right through my hands, and there was nothing I could do about it. You know that feeling, when you feel like your not able to get out of bed in the morning, have your morning coffee or even get dressed. You stop caring, that’s what happens. Everywhere you look and everything you see is somehow a small reminder of him.
However, time went by and so did he, and so have us. I started changing, getting more mature, and in the flip of the moment, he was gone. I don’t remember the exact moment when I realized that he was gone, I only remember the moment when I realized that I haven’t thought about him in a while and that in fact, I don’t even care. Just like that.
Even though he was out of the picture, the scars he left behind were too deep and too painful to forget. It is not something that I want, rather something that has become part of me, part of my personality, something that has shaped me and made me the way I am today. They said,“ cold and arrogant, repulsive, strong, untouchable and unable to feel“. Every time some boy asks me out or gets interested in me, I just run away. I can’t trust him, anyone, I really can’t.
Honestly, I am terrified of being hurt again. Terrified of giving the last remaining piece of myself to someone who will trade it for something else or someone else. To someone who will get tired of me eventually. The fear has become stronger than me. Yes, It may sound like a cliche, and the story we have already heard of, but it’s my story, and its maybe your story, and there is no cliche when it comes to what we feel, because that is the only thing that will always be unique for us, ability to feel.
Love is what get us going, it gives our lives a meaning, and we shouldn’t end our entire story just because one chapter went wrong. Fix it! Write another one, and keep writing until you get your happy ending. There’s a common belief that, in order to love someone, you must let yourself be loved, and let me tell you something that indeed is the truth.