One of the most difficult decisions when it comes to relationships is the one where you need to decide whether it’s time to let go or hold on. Even though our life appears to be a set of “either/or” situations, I’ve come to understand that letting go and holding on are two interconnected actions that we must practice simultaneously. Letting go too soon can force us to question our decisions, and we might find ourselves often thinking about “what ifs.” However, hanging on too long, is the most dangerous one, because hanging on for too long can be destructive and much more hazardous than letting go too soon. It keeps us stuck in a loop and agony surrounded by negativity and unhappiness and it leaves a long-term mark on our body and soul. In order to prevent this happening, or at least to control the damage in some sense, we should as ourselves a couple of questions and try to give ourselves the most honest answer.
Do I feel happy, or do I just pretend to be?
Am I scared of being left alone?
Do I love him for who he is or for who he was?
Is the love only thing left for us?
Now, when you read these it may sound like an easy task, but if you examine it closer and while you’re trying to answer and write down the answers, you will realize that you’re not even sure are you telling the truth to yourself. That’s the scariest part. The part where you don’t know what the truth anymore and how to handle your own feelings and thoughts. You don’t even notice it at first, you just know that SOMETHING is out of the place, that it doesn’t feel right, but you just refuse to see what it is. So lets just briefly so through these questions and try to understand them for what they really serve for.
Do I feel happy, or do I just pretend to be? While answering this question, think about all the moments when you felt truly happy with him, and why. I remember this time when he was walking me home, it was really cold and it just started to rain, I was in my skirt and top, and I started shivering, and we had around a mile to walk to my house. He lifts me up, pulled me through his shit so I could feel his warm skin and his true smell of the body in which I really enjoyed, and he carried me all the way to my porch. I remember thinking how that is the best ride in my entire life and probably the only time in my life when I felt safe, secure and wish for stars to collapse and time to stop. Try to find your moment of true and pure happiness and hold on to it, examine it and write it down. And then do the same for the next part, think about all the times you were pretending to be happy, taking a picture with him with the huge white smile, so that your friends can see you as the happies couple alive, but the truth behind that picture is that he didnt notice your new haircut today, nor the fact that you were getting ready for more than 4 hours just so he can say „ you are so beautiful today“, nor the way he didnt care when you tryed to tell him about your day at work and how stressed out you feel. All the little things that others don’t understand when you complain about it, but it means so much to you when it happens, all those little things are truly behind the happy face. Those little things matter more than big ones and can break your heart more than anything else.
Now to shift to the next question, the one where the true purpose of your relationship is hidden. Do you hold on because you want him and need him, or you just need that someone and that something that keeps you off the lonely path that you’re so scared of? Needless to say, it can be both, and that is fine because the fear of being alone is in human nature, we are social beings, and therefore we are not created for a lonely life. But sometimes, being alone is just what we need to figure out who and what do we need. For me, time spent alone with myself, at that point in my life, where I was surrouned by fake people and fake feelings, was the happiest one, because I had time to get to know me for who I really am and to understand my needs and wishes who were hidden underneeth all the pretending and forcing myself to do the stuff I don’t like and to be with people who are not what I need in order not to be alone, in order to create that feeling of happines and BELONGING somewhere to someone, and on that road I forgot to belong to myself and to myself, and that is the worst thing you can do.
Love changes and so do we. It’s the way it is and we can do very little about it. It’s the way time, nature, humans and Earth function and works together, and changes in our lives are mostly inevitable. So that is why I think that this question is the most important one when it comes to deciding whether your relationship is worth the fight or not. Do you love him for who he is or for who he was?
My love was true and pure, I can tell you that, I knew it was, I felt it through my entire body and in every breath I take I could smell and feel him. Its crazy I know, but that’s the exact way it was, I loved him so much. From the day one until the very last day my love for him haven’t changed a bit, he was the entire world and the entire universe in my mind.
But he was not the same man I fell in love with. Sure, his face and his body were the same, his voice and smell, phrases he used and the way he made his hair. But there was something in his eyes that changed, the way he looks at me, the way he thinks, the way he acts, the way he says what he says. Those were not words of a man I fell in love too, he would never say that to me, he would never act the way this man does. Who are you? Where are you? So, I was there, standing in front of the love of my life, staring in his distant eyes, my tears were chasing each other down my face and I knew this was the end and that there is no going back, it’s time. I stared at him for few more moments, just to be sure am I doing the right thing, and the more I looked, the more I was sure that I’m looking at the eyes of I stranger, the stranger I love. „ I love you“ ‘ I sad, „ but I don’t know you, not anymore“. That is how Goodbye sounds when love is the only thing left there, and even that love was a love for a ghost.