I don’t regret our relationship. I don’t regret having spent two years of my life with a man that never loved me as much as I loved him. Your love was always a half-way story. Sometimes it was strong and overwhelming, while other times it was cold and ignorant. You never gave yourself fully to me. It was always somewhere in the middle. Loved more than a friend yet loved less than a lover.
When I love, I give my heart and soul. I don’t hold back. I loved everything about you. From the way you look when you are trying to concentrate on the way you double over when something makes you laugh.I made you my priority, I put your every need above my own. But I was never your priority. On those nights you left me alone, crying in our bed..you chose yourself. You chose to take care of your own feelings, leaving me to hold myself together.
But I don’t regret choosing you. How can I? When you were my first love. The first man that made me feel like I was on cloud nine when we were together. Just looking into your eyes was enough to make my heart beat like a drum. When things were bad they were terrible but when things were good…I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.
I believed that my love was strong enough for the both of us. That it would keep us afloat when things got hard. That my love was stronger than your demons. But it wasn’t. Your words were like knives in my heart, slowly killing my confidence. While I was giving you my love you were giving me your poison. But it was me who destroyed my pride. Every time I would crawl to you after you had hurt me, I would lose some of my pride. Every time I cried over you more of my happiness was stolen. Soon there was nothing of me left.
I don’t regret giving you my love, I regret giving you every single piece of myself. Because when you left, you took my heart with you. I regret giving you my all, not because you never gave me anything in return. But because I was left with nothing when you left. I thought that if I loved you enough, you would start to love me too. If I loved you enough, you would change. Now I realize, no matter how much I loved you, you never did love me. How could you? If you had trouble even loving yourself.
I don’t regret loving you, I regret loving you more than I loved myself. But I regret that in order to find the man I once fell in love with, I lost myself. I was focused so much on trying to save you that I never realized it was me that needed saving..from you.It was me that was broken after our relationship ended. I had to pick up the pieces you broke. Somewhere, deep down I believe you loved me too. But not enough.
However, I don’t regret our relationship. It was my first real relationship and it made me stronger. It made me stronger for every future man that I might meet. Now I know that that the only person that can save me is me. I learned to love myself more than I ever loved you. I am my own hero. And I still won’t hold back in my love for someone, that is just not who I am. Nor someone who I want to be. However, I will never myself get lost in a relationship. Not for any man.